Lost in Love, Drowning in My Tears

Prompt: Write a story about a character who is lost.

Second Prompt: Follow a character who is looking for someone or something

Lost in Love, Drowning in My Tears

There was a warm feeling running across my face.  When I opened my eyes, I was temporarily blinded by the sunlight poking through the tattered curtains draped across my window.  When I gained some sort of consciousness, I could not recall who or where I was. I lifted myself off the cot I had been on, fumbling across the room to the mirror that hung on the wall. The mirror was unforgiving and always reflected the truth. I looked haggard and older beyond my thirty-four years. Wrinkles highlighted my lower eyelids. My skin looked leathery and dry. I am now only realizing that I had done this to my self because of my debauchery and my addictive lifestyle.  So many years of failed rehabilitation.  Detoxifying my body sadly became a normal part of my life.  As I viewed myself in the mirror, I still could not recognize who I was. What was my name and, really, where was I?

A wave of panic swept over me. I moved over to a small table to stabilize myself.  At the end of the table was a small radio and with great effort I turned it on. It had been preset to a radio station that played easy listening pop music. A tenor voice bellowed a love ballad with such impact it startled me back into reality as the song was about to end.

“Lost in love, and I don't know much

'Cause I'm thinkin' aloud and fell out of touch

But I'm back on my feet and eager to be what you wanted

You know you can't fool me

I've been lovin' you too long

It started so easy

You'll want to carry on (Carry on, carry on, carry on)

Lost in love, and I don't know much

'Cause I'm thinkin' aloud and fell out of touch

But I'm back on my feet and eager to be what you wanted

Now I'm lost (Lost in love, and I don't know much)

Lost in love ('Cause I'm thinking aloud and fell out of touch)

Lost in love (But I'm back on my feet and eager to be what you wanted)

Lost in love…”  ¹.

My heart was practically in my throat when I heard those words. Next to the radio was a clumped-up piece of photo paper. I gasped as I unfurled the photo. It was a picture of me with my girlfriend, Therese. A flood of memories swelled in my brain to the point where my head began to ache. We had been inseparable. She stood by me through all of my attempts at recovery. But I regressed again and fell “off the wagon” succumbing deeply into my bad habits.  When Therese saw me collapsed on the floor slurring my words and smelling of urine, she had enough. She said she would return for the rest of her things the following day when I got off the floor.

Therese showed up the next day and I was off the floor not smelling of my urine. I was a sniveling wreck. I made attempts to promise I would do better to clean up my act for good. I actually started to grovel begging her to stay. That action only made matters worse. Never in our five years together had she ever yelled at me. She held her anxiety so tightly inside her for those five years that this final straw on the camel’s back caused an eruption of her feelings in epic portions. Therese stormed out of the apartment in a fury of rage.  

It has been twenty-eight days since she left and I have remained sober. As I sat at the table the radio was playing…

“…I want you to come back and carry me home

Away from these long lonely nights

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?

Does the feeling seem, oh, so right?

And what would you say if I called on you now

And said that I can't hold on?

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Please love me, or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right believing for so long

I'm all out of love, what am I without you?

I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

Oh, what are you thinking of?

What are you thinking of?

What are you thinking of?

What are you thinking of?

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right believing for so long

I'm all out of love, what am I without you?

I can't be too late, I know I was so wrong…” ^2.

Despair began to infiltrate my thinking. I was resolved, however, not to let those demons flood me with weakness and self-pity.  I needed to find Therese. I needed to make things right again. Would she even believe me? A lump in my throat made it difficult for me to swallow.  I could no longer hold back the tears as they streamed down my face. Where? Where did she go?  For five years she lived with me. I had to find friends and acquaintances that might know where she went. I left the apartment aimlessly canvasing the streets.  All I had to direct my search was her crumpled photograph.

Somehow, I knew deep within me she still loved me.  There was a rustic, corner bar where we first had met. Nothing had changed since we met there five years ago. It still smelled of old beer and stale popcorn. The difference was she was not there. I remembered there was another place Therese would go often without me. It was a church a few blocks from the bar. I was averse to religion and churches. She never insisted I go with her. But now I was in misery and I would go anywhere with her. 

I walked the several blocks hoping I would by chance run into her.  At the steps of the church there was an old bearded man handing out fliers. I showed him Therese’s picture, but he shook his head no. Before I proceeded up the steps into the church, he handed me a flier which simply said,  

“Give thanks as you enter the gates of His temple.

    Give praise as you enter its courtyards.

    Give thanks to Him and praise His name.

The Lord is good. His faithful love continues forever.

    It will last for all time to come.” (Psalm 100: 4-5, NIRV)

I saw that several church notices had been scattered about the tables at the entrance. I grabbed one before I sat in the back row of the church. I was the solitary visitor that afternoon.  I was not sure what to do with myself as I sat in the pew. I really did not know how to pray. I whispered saying, “God, if you hear me where is my Therese? I miss her so much!” Tear drops fell onto the paper I clenched in my hand. Where the drops fell onto the paper, I saw the brief announcement. I had my answer. It was dated three days after Therese left my apartment enraged by my insolent, self-destructive behavior.

“Therese, 34 years old, loving daughter of Pat and John and members of our church community died tragically in a hit and run accident.  Her funeral and internment will be a private ceremony among family members. Therese will be buried in the church cemetery adjacent to her grandparents and her father John.”

I was heartsick. I felt nauseous. I was ready to crumble. I sobbed. I held my head with both hands as I let out an anguishing cry. The sound alarmed a minister in a back room behind the sanctuary. He came running to my side. “What is wrong my son,” he said to me. I could only show him the clipping of the obituary. He held me until my grief was subdued.  He asked me to follow him outside to the cemetery leading to Therese’s grave site.  I collapsed onto the grave.  I had no more tears to cry.  I looked upon the marker that was set in remembrance of Therese.

Great is his love for us.

    The Lord is faithful forever.

Praise the Lord. (Psalm 117:2, NIRV)

The minister said that her mom chose this verse because Therese loved others and the Lord with all her strength. She lived her life with: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Love him with all your mind and with all your strength,” (Mark 12:30, NIRV).  Then he said, “I strongly suspect you loved her very much.” He added, “Therese is with God, but know God loves you more than any love you can imagine. You too, are a child of God.”

I sat back in the church for what seemed like hours. For once in my life I asked for forgiveness and received it immediately from God. I lost my love here on earth but this day I realized I have a love that lasts into eternity with my Savior, God.

Darkness had fallen when I arrived back at my apartment.  I sat at the table and turned on the radio hearing this song: 

When you say, "I miss the things you do"

I just wanna get back close again to you

But for now, your voice is near enough

How I miss you, when I miss you, love.

And though all the days that pass me by so slow

All the emptiness inside me flows all around

And there's no way out

I'm just thinkin' so much of you

There was never any doubt.

I can wait forever

If you say you'll be there too

I can wait forever, if you will

I know it's worth it all…

To spend my life alone with you.

I can wait forever

If you say you'll be there too

I can wait forever, if you will

I can wait forevermore

I can wait forever ^3.

1.  Lyrics from “Lost in Love,” sung by Air Supply; composer Graham Russell, 1979.

2. Lyrics from “All Out of Love, sung by Air Supply; composers Graham Russell, Clive Davis, 1980.

3.  Lyrics from “I Can Wait Forever,” sung by Air Supply, composers Jay Gradon, Graham Russell, David Walter Foster, circa 1980-1982.

NIRV=New International Readers Version

Author: Pete Gautchier

Acknowledgement: Reedsy.com