Shock TV

This is a weird one, but this is a weird show, so I guess that's normal. We've seen women flashing their breasts, vaginas, and asses, men flashing their asses and penises. We've had the KKK, the Neo-Nazis, Confederate Flags, we've had everything, but this episode is closer to home. People may not laugh or feel better after this one, which the sponsors may not like or maybe they will. They like weird. After all, we are in the business of Shock Television. See, this episode is about children bringing their parents and aunts, uncles, and cousins together who the parents haven't spoken with, for multiple reasons, for years and to try to get them to talk for a living. This is something more suited to a therapist than a talkshow host, but why not? I have a BS degree in psychology and it's not a Bachelor of Science. See, people argue, people change, and sometimes people make-up and sometimes they don't. Then, the bell rings and the crowd goes wild, they try to kick each other's asses, and the professional security guard intervenes. The viewers love it. I used to be a DJ, then somehow I struck gold. 

           By the way, my name is Jerry Springer, in case the reader hadn't guessed that yet. You probably did with the beads, the fights, and everything else. I do shock television along like Howard Stern, but he's on a different show now. But, the point is, does this have enough shock value or will people turn to another station and another talk show? That's the $64 question. Suppose the parents and the aunt/uncle come on and just don't say anything? Give each other the silent treatment. Then we have dead air and no one wants to see dead air. See, house wives and teenagers mostly watch this show to help them realize no matter how bad their lives are, somebody's life is worse. Always. There is someone stupider than them on the face of the Earth, although you do have to be pretty stupid to watch my talk show. 

           I take a breather to see if there's anything we can do to spice up silence. Maybe rattle up the kids' anger at their family not talking? Maybe ask them what happened to cause them to not talk to each other? What started the silent treatment? We could put boxing gloves on them and force them to fight? Just kidding. But, what else? What could spice up the silence? See, what would make everyone feel good is the brothers and sisters talking again and the whole family getting along. What would get better ratings is the brothers and sisters screaming at each other and tearing each others' clothes off. Let's be honest. But, unlike regular formula TV shows, we need to have twists on our shows. Things like people thinking someone's cheating on them when they're really coming to propose marriage. But, most of my job is to facilitate communication. We once had a show with young hicks who couldn't even ask each other out. Communication, communication, communication. 

           So, I talked with the producers, the directors, the children of the parents and we decided to go ahead with it, since we thought people could relate to it, which would give us good ratings. Maybe. 

*

           Lights are set, cameras rolling. Camera man counts down from ten fingering the three, two, one, as usual. Kids know what's going on, parents/aunts/uncles don't. This'll be great. We open in the usual way and I introduce the issue: adult siblings not communicating with each other. The cheering of my name stops and I introduce the first children and their cousins and we talk about why their parents aren't talking to each other. The usual. One of them lied, they stole something, didn't show up to an event, didn't include someone in an event, etc. The usual bullshit people love. 

           Then the parents and the aunts/uncle come out and the parents yell at the kids and the aunts yell at the cousins and then there's migration. One cousins and aunts go to one side of the stage and the parents and kids go to the other side and then there's dead air. Shit. Dear air equals bad ratings. So, I but in. Something like, “Come on guys. It's been 20 years. Don't you think all of you have matured enough to get over these small differences?”

           Dead air. Silence. The kids and cousins encourage their parents to talk but the parents walk off the stage. This is the antithesis of maturity. If I can't have it my way, I'm leaving. It's the way a child is expected to behave towards an adult, not vice versa. 

           Then, the aunts and the uncles walk off in the opposite direction. I spend the rest of the show with the kids crying and asking what is best for the family. There's an old saying: Families are fucked up. Then, the kids, one by one, make their way off stage and we bring the next family on the show. I'm sometimes take the blessings in my life for granted. My family and I argue sometimes, but never like on my show. Some people accuse us of faking the show, but it's real. A few weeks later, though, my producer got a call that one of the cousins was so disgusted he killed himself, which was a burden on the family. The only good thing the kids could see in this way maybe this would be the catalyst to bring the families back together. But no, the other family didn't even come to the funeral. There's a saying “The seed never falls far from the tree”. True. How true. 

           I receive mail from fans all the time. They love the show. They hate the show. How could we show such and such on the air? But, the face someone killed themselves because of the show was a major change. I sometimes worried people would kill each other on the stage, but that never happened, but someone died because of coming on our show and not getting what they wanted. The following day, I started a show with a tribute to this young man and my and the network's sincere hope the family could find peace and communicate again. But, they didn't and the show went on. Gender Queer people dating two people as member of each sex, etc. I just pray no one else dies because of our show. 

           The next nights, I hugged my kids, my wife, and my dogs harder in fear they would disappear. Everything stayed the same. My wife cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and watched my show. The kids got nudged into doing their homework, the dogs got walked, etc. Everyone washed up and me and my wife made love with contraceptives. But, I wondered what life would be like for me if one of my kids killed themselves because I didn't talk to someone. Then, I focused on my life. It ended and we cuddled and went back to sleep. I wonder what the next topic on the show will be?