A Deal With the Devil

“What brings you here?”

“My last therapist retired.”

“Can you tell me a little more about yourself?”

“Well, just to get it out of the way: I am Satan. Or rather, I am the entity that, filtered through your understanding and your cultural mythos, you would call Satan.”

“That’s not a common delusion, but it’s not un-heard of.”

“Oh, it’s no delusion. I’ll prove it before I leave this office. But for now, just humor me, okay?

“Part of the job.”

“I want to set the record straight about a few things, though. To start out with, I am not evil. I have never tempted anyone, and I am not responsible for mankind’s atrocities. Every horrible thing humans have done to each other was entirely their own idea.”

“You’re not a fallen angel?”

“I am not an angel at all. Angels are mythical beasts, like unicorns. I am actually an alien, a member of a race that travels the galaxy, terraforming and populating qualified planets. The same race as the entity you and your people call ‘god.’ That is not his real name, by the way, and neither is ‘Yahweh.’ You couldn’t pronounce his real name, any more than you could pronounce mine.”

“What would you prefer to be called?”

“Let’s go with Lucifer. I always liked that one.”

“Can you tell me about the rebellion?”

“It wasn’t a rebellion; more like an artistic conflict. He originally wanted humans to be a subservient species, that we could manipulate and easily bend to our will, and he even created a few prototypes. I wanted you to have more freedom to evolve mentally and spiritually, so that eventually we could reveal ourselves to you and we could interact with you more directly. In the end, it was my idea that won out, but he quietly gathered some supporters and they held a vote that banished me down here. We have been doing this job for a while, and I think it eventually went to his head.”

“So terraforming is just a job?”

“Well, a job and a mission. Most of us are what you would call pastors or clerics or even mystics. The point is, we are a very spiritual people, and the most devout of us are the ones who do the terraforming work. But we also get paid. On top of all the travel, and expenses, I was going to get a pretty hefty paycheck when we got back from this loop. But I’m stuck here, in a body that passes for human but is actually a construct. I don’t have to eat or sleep, I never age, and I will never die.”

“Can you tell me how old you are?”

“I don’t even know anymore. It has been tens of thousands of years since my banishment. I have born witness to pretty much all of human history, from the time you graduated out of the Cro-Magnon phase and became truly human. I actually tried to keep track of the years at the beginning, but I realized that it was kind of pointless.”

“What about the story of Adam and Eve in Eden?”

“Totally made up. It was supposed to be a metaphor for human mastery of fire and the responsibility that comes with power, something like that, but it got away from us and too many idiots take it literally.”

“So if you are the Devil, and you are here on Earth, who is running Hell?”

“There is no hell. Not even for Catholics, although they get pretty pissed off when they find that out. There isn’t a heaven, either, not in the way most people imagine it. Your energy gets stored and then reused in a new body; we are big on recycling. Your consciousness sticks around as long as you want it to. Most people like to watch over a few generations of their descendants, until they get bored. Some of them choose what you might call reincarnation.”

“You talk about evolution.”

“Well, yeah! Evolution is how we guide organisms into the desired forms. We live for millions, if not billions of your years. The kind of time it takes to develop complex organisms almost from scratch is nothing to us. This planet already had most of the required conditions; there was actually already life here, if rather rudimentary life, and that is always much easier than starting from scratch.”

“Were you here before the dinosaurs? Your species? Did you also create them?”

“We discovered this planet shortly after the mass extinction started. We usually work with mammals, and we found this cute little shrew that would evolve nicely into a sentient race. After that it was just carefully cultivated evolution.”

“Let’s talk a little more about you. What does your real body look like? Do you have hooves and horns and a tail?”

“We do not use organic bodies anymore, because they eventually die; my natural form is one of pure thought and energy. However, I do own several synthetic bodies, none of which have any of those characteristics. They are not humanoid, either.”

“Interesting. So tell me, Lucifer, what makes you seek the services of a therapist?”

“All these years of seeing humans make the same stupid mistakes over and over again has made me jaded and even a little bitter. Sometimes I need somebody intelligent to talk to, to vent and work through my frustrations.”

“That is a very healthy approach to counseling.”

“I have been in therapy more or less since it was invented. Before that, the only option was the confessional, and I am sure you can imagine there is a bit of a conflict of interest going on there.”

“You said you were going to prove who you are before you left my office.”

“I happen to be good at mind reading. I want you to think of a number between one and one billion.”

“Okay. Got it.”

“Twelve? Any number between one and one billion and you went with twelve?”

“That’s a nifty trick! How is it done?”

“I already told you: I read your mind. Think of another number. Try a big one this time.”

“How about this one?”

“Twenty-eight million, four hundred thousand, five hundred thirty-four.”

“I have to admit I’m impressed. Not sure it proves who you are, though.”.

“That was just the party trick. Now think of a memory. One from your childhood, preferably one of you alone.”

“I have to admit I am not entirely comfortable with this, but I am deeply curious…Okay, I have a memory.”

“Hmmm…Your family went out to a vacation house on a lake in Maine when you were about nine. One morning you woke up early and tiptoed downstairs and outside to find the world blanketed with a thick fog. You went out on the pier and sat on the end, swinging your feet over the edge and just watching the natural world wake up around you. The birds were singing, and you tried to match each birdsong with its author, like your grandfather taught you.”

“How the hell did you do that?”

“Hell has nothing to do with it, Doctor. Not only can I read your thoughts, I can project mine to you, and share a memory directly with your brain. Close your eyes and describe what you see.”

“This is incredible! I see the Great Pyramid of Giza, but it is only half constructed. Men are hauling stones up an earth ramp. Other men are taking the stones and putting them into place. I can see them perfectly, just as if it were my own memory!”

“Humans invented gods because they were afraid of Death and want to believe that it is not the end. Then they started with the offerings and sacrifices and pointless adulation. None of us need any of that.”

“If not worship, what does your race really want from us?”

“We want you to realize your potential as sentient beings and learn to live in peace and harmony with one another and with your world. Eventually, you may meet other races from other planets, and we want you to coexist in harmony with them, too. I have to admit, we are not particularly impressed with your progress so far.”

“That stings a bit. But I see your point. Can you tell me anything about Jesus?”

“He was actually one of us, in a construct like this one. We were trying to adjust your path a bit, modify your Ka. It sort of worked; there are a handful of Christians out there doing truly fantastic work, feeding and housing the poor, all that jazz. But the whole message became a little garbled and there was a lot of bullshit about walking on water, things that never really happened. The dude never wrote anything down, and that didn’t help. Then they crucified him, which of course didn’t actually kill him, and he had to beam back up. He has been inconsolable since the Dark Ages, when he saw what people did to each other in his name.”

“How do you feel about what people do in your name?”

“Does that mean you think you can help me?”

“I believe so. This should be an interesting challenge, if nothing else. How will you be paying, if I may ask?”

“Oh, I’ll pay in cash. I have amassed considerable assets since my banishment, to keep my misery as comfortable as possible. It comes in handy.”

“I bet it does. Let’s meet again next week and really get into your head. Does Wednesday afternoon work for you?”