Circles

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Does that make me insane? To look at me nobody wouldn’t jump to that conclusion. I’m a normal guy name Jake who grew up in a middle class family in Middle America. I had a very typical childhood catching frogs by the creek and playing peewee football. I was even voted “Best Hair” in my high school yearbook and now I have a standard career as a financial adviser. But I surprisingly have been caught up in the same pattern for the past two years. It makes me wonder if my life is a perfect example of insanity.

Right now I’m sitting on my friends couch early in the morning thinking about my mental state. This is not an unusual thing to do: to hang out at your friend’s house. But typically, people end up going home at the end of the day and wake up at their place in the morning. Now there are some exceptions; like after a party if someone’s had too much to drink they’ll probably crash on an unoccupied couch. Not a big deal. But me, I might as well get my address changed on my license just in case I’m summoned to jury duty. This way they’ll know where I am.

I do have my own place that I share with my girlfriend. I actually really like it there. But every now and then we have our differences and then our place becomes hers until one of us comes crawling back to the other and she agrees to let me move back in. I’m pretty used to this rinse and repeat cycle we’ve got going on. And until I’m allowed back, my buddy Eli and his wife, Jade, let me stay in their guest room.

Eli always offers to let me stay over with no hesitation whenever he hears that I’ve been kicked out. He’s my best friend and he understands my struggles. I used to think his wife understood as well. But the peace that comes on an early Saturday morning when you are the only one awake creates the right space to thing and I’ve concluded that Jade may feel like I have over stayed my welcome.

Jade and I used to be close. I knew her before she met Eli. Jade worked with an old coworker of mine, so we hung out a few times. I thought Eli and her would mesh so I asked Eli to tag along with me to happy hour one night. They met and hit it off instantly. I was the bridge that brought the two of them together. That was five years ago, and the three of us have been inseparable ever since. We were the three amigos, and she would be my go to whenever I needed advise from a woman’s prospective. The first few times I had issues with my girlfriend and needed a place to stay, Jade was always supportive and welcoming. Now, I’m lucky to get a genuine “Good morning” from her.

I think that since she has heard me complain so often about my relationship, then has to watch me fall back into the same patter soon after has brought her to her limit. I think this adds to the tension. It’s like I’ve invaded her space and her patients. Our usual relationship therapy sessions had regressed from a continuous well of advise from her to short comments like “oh really” and “that sucks”. 

I don’t blame her. If I ended this cycle my girlfriend and me would be better off. I know we both care about each other, but the lengths we both go to in order to prove ourselves right are questionable. But it wasn’t always like this. When we got together I knew I met my soul mate. There was no one else that I wanted to spend my time with and we poured ourselves into each other. Now every bit of information that we have come to learn about the other is always fair game when we argue. We use them as ammo and our arguments have become unparalleled. With each round our verbal blows get harder and harder and in the last round the knives come out.

As much as I understand how poisonous we are for each other, I know it’s inevitable that our usual make up conversation will occur where we will apologize to each other and promise that things will be different moving forward. And right now, I can’t help but think of the things I will say to make things right. I think this time I’m going to suggest therapy. I think therapy will be helpful. And I think that Jade is trying to figure out what I’m thinking too. She’s up now. I can feel her eyes piercing through the back of my head.

After we awkwardly say “Good morning “ I can’t help but mindlessly look at my phone. I must have placed my phone on silent, because I didn’t realize that I got a text message from my girlfriend that would make things even more uncomfortable then they already were. Turns out I didn’t have to worry about being stuck in the same cycle or going to couples therapy, because she let me know that she wanted to end things. She had done something that I don’t think I would have ever been able to do.

I can tell she’s serious. She asked me to move my stuff out. Our previous conversations have never gotten to this point. Usually, after our radio silence, we would be met with an apologetic text or call that would open the door for us to get back together. Her tone this time removed any hope of that happening.

I was ready to go through this cycle over again, and now that it’s over different scenarios of how we could have worked things out keep playing in my mind. I was never going to give up and now I am reassured that I am a bit insane. I never realized how comfortable I was with this cycle and now I have no choice to let it go. I guess I’ll have to crashing here a bit longer than I expected. At least bed in the guest room is pretty comfortable.