A Longing Shadow

***This is my first time writing a story. So bear with me! Feedback is definitely welcome. You’re all appreciated, and I love to read your work. I’m sorry I have no clue how to properly edit.***

My breath hitches, nearly strangling whatever life I have left barreling through my lungs. A dress whiter than a blanket of snow emerges from an archway of vines. The contrast in colors is almost as breathtaking as the brush of cool air that tantalizes your skin on a winter’s evening. Every head seated in the endless array of rows turns, anticipating the love that will soon fill the space with her presence. My feet crunch beneath the fallen leaves, an assortment of yellows and oranges encircling the shadow cast over the tree I’m standing below. A shadow that has seemed to follow me around for far too long. I try to straighten my crisp suit, feeling the linen scrape across my rigid fingertips. I’m dressed in all black, and the blue of my eyes is tucked behind matching black sunglasses. The earpiece nearly glued to my ear is itching, but I ignore it like I always do since I'm never off duty. Though the shadows are as heavy and as dark as the pain that weighs over me, I knew today I would breathe a little lighter. And by the look of the sun gleaming through the clouds and finding the breaks between the leaves, I think a powerful force above is working in my favor, too. 

Her beauty is as alluring as standing on the shoreline at dusk, watching a blanket of stars paint the ocean. I’m too far away to see the little crinkle in her nose or the caramel-dipped gaze that holds stories every lifetime should hear. But I know it’s there. A gift I’m sure she has freely given the world since her first breath. Gliding effortlessly under the archway, the gown of her dress drapes elegantly while it waits for her love story to unfold. Her head is held high, embodying an aura emulating poised confidence. Her ability to walk in a room with such grace sends pride coursing through my body. A lucky man awaits her. Tall and handsome. Shaggy brown hair and a smile that only seems to light up when she’s nearby. I have a feeling luck has very little to do with the blessing I know she is to every life she crashes into. She’s like the waves tumbling toward the shore—fearless and heart-stopping. I expect to see a man lock arms with her before he gives her away, but to my surprise, she stands alone. As the music twirls its notes, matching the pace of each beating heart, I reach into my pocket and feel the crisp edges and glossy finish of a photo that has never left my side. I run my fingers across the yellow butterfly, kissing the tip of a crinkled nose. 

Just as her foot is about to take the stone path covered in soft pink petals, she whispers something into the ear of a small, frail woman who looks like she’s worked her entire life for this moment. An ironic mixture of exhaustion and relief. Shock quickly paints her face, but Addy is making a reassuring motion. She smiles down the aisle, blows a kiss to the man waiting, and holds up her hand. She turns, and the air, once filled with a soft melody, is now consumed with gasps and hushes. My heart stops. She’s walking in my direction. She cannot see me through the plethora of trees, but she’s headed right toward me. I’ve worked in the Secret Service longer than I’d like to admit. If today is the day I’m caught, I might question every assignment I’ve been on up until now. Another few crunches of leaves wisp through the air, and I tuck myself further behind the large tree trunk. I straighten and gently press my back into the bark. The pricks of wood meet the bare skin behind my neck. I hear her approach the same tree I’m under, but her footsteps come to a quick halt. The smell of fresh roses dances in the wind around the tree. Standing tall and wide, its intricate columns are embedded with a lifetime of memories I’ve only wanted with the woman standing on the other side. We are almost an arm’s length apart, but she feels worlds away. 

“Breathe, Addy, just breathe.” I hear her whisper. Nearly feeling her pulse through the space between us. “You have been brave your whole life; you can be brave today. You’re not alone. Not ever.” Her breathing snags, and I wish more than anything I could step out of the shadows and hold her in my arms. Remind her that she isn’t alone. That she never has been. I’m fighting myself not to take a step. The world's weight is crashing into my shoulders as I try to move toward her. But before I can work up the nerve, I hear a new set of leaves crunch. Someone else is approaching and says, “My child. What’s going on?” A deep sigh fills the air. Addy says, “I thought I could do this today. I’m marrying the man of my dreams, but my heart feels empty walking up to the aisle. I feel selfish saying it out loud, but I thought today would be different. Not like this.” I feel a part of my soul leave my body. Wishing for it to wrap around the tree and place a piece of me in her heart. The pain in her voice is so raw. Millions of roots below our feet run deeper than she could ever understand. The husky voice coats the air again. He says, “What do you need from me, darling.” And though I can’t see him, I know who it is. It’s her great-uncle. Stuttering, she says, “I need reassuring eyes. I won’t have an arm laced in mine or mother's soft smile, but I need eyes to help carry me to Aiden.” “Then that is what you shall have, my dear.” 

My world shatters at the thought. Her mother lost her life a few years ago. A death as tragic as cold feet on a wedding day. The tree protects me from her view, but my shadow has always followed her. I’ve done my best to protect her from any cruelty that has dared to dim her light. But the day her mother passed, no amount of protection mattered if it meant she was worlds away from me. Before they walk off, he says, “Your mother and father would be proud of you today. Continue to be the brave woman I’ve been so lucky to see you grow into. But please know you are never alone.” A single tear spills from my eye at his reassuring words. Words that I wish could have come from me. The ground beneath our feet fills with more rustling as they set off. The canopy of decadent leaves flows in the wind, filling the air with the scent of late-blooming flowers. A mixture of mums and herbs lingering in the cool breeze. Once they’re far enough away, I see them walking hand in hand toward a man that I know will keep her safe. Something I never would have been able to do. At least not up close. 

A swift kiss is placed on her cheek, and her uncle finds his way back to his seat. The autumn air dares to hold onto the wistful feelings of saying goodbye to summer. But this fall afternoon is dipped in sunlight that leaves a faint glimmer in the sky, signifying a hopeful future. I know most of the people here today. And though they may not know me, I’ve treasured most of them for keeping Addy’s life full of love and laughter. The soft melody gently sounds from the piano once more. I see her chest rise and fall—inhaling the love that awaits her while exhaling the haunting thoughts that have never managed to find air until now. I may not personally know the man waiting for her, but I don’t have an ounce of worry. The love he carries in his eyes every time theirs collide is the epitome of safety, longing, and reassurance. 

My gaze is glued to the smile that meets her eyes when she finds Aiden’s at the end of the aisle. Tears begin to well, and I see my vision drowning in nothing but gratitude. The piano starts to fade into the cheering of guests, and I feel the tickle of something sweep across the nape of my neck. The cool tears meet the warmth of my cheeks as I see a yellow butterfly soar right down the aisle. It’s as if it picked up all my love and carried it to her today. As her lips release from the man who will now stand by her side, the butterfly lands on her nose. I know it crinkles. I know the little spark that was gone is reignited. She may not understand this moment, but I do. And what a blessing it is to witness her life find new meaning. New love. New hope. 

The ceremony is over. I’m washing my hands in the bathroom. I let the water wipe away the shame that has been embedded into my skin for the past two decades. I have far too many scars, but the invisible pain cloaked across every part of me aches more than any gruesome scar I’ve been given in my line of work. I needed to be here today for her, even if she didn’t know it. The creak of the door screeches louder than the children running outside, and I find myself crashing into a man in a gray suit. Aiden. “Oh, gosh, sir. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.” He says with sincerity laced in his voice. He is a handsome young man up close. His blue eyes are piercing, and a few strands of his chestnut-colored hair dip down to meet his eyebrows. “Don’t worry about it. I should be the one apologizing, considering you’re the more dapper gentleman here.” Throwing him a soft smile, hoping to return an ounce of sincerity. I lift my hands and adjust his tie. “If it were up to me, I’d marry that woman in our living room in pajamas. And though I think she would have agreed, I wanted to make this day as special for her as I could.” 

“Smart man,” I say, patting him on the back while laughing. “I caught a glimpse of the wedding. She’s a beautiful bride. And from the looks of it, it takes a strong woman to walk down the aisle alone.” Pride fills his eyes. “She’s just about the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I never knew something so beautiful could run so deep. She is as sweet as her mother. And I hear she gets her fearlessness from her father.” Something shifts in his tone. A cloud of sorrow fills the blue of his irises. It casts nearly as quickly as a sunny sky enveloped by rain clouds' darkness. “I never got to meet him. Nor has she.” He says with a wince. “I have always dreamed of asking a father for his daughter’s hand, and after falling in love with Addy, a part of my heart broke like hers when I found out I wouldn’t be able to.” I try to shadow my emotions, but it feels nearly impossible to cover them up. Struggling to swallow, I hold his gaze and say, “As a father who loves as deeply as I do. I have a feeling he wouldn’t have hesitated. There is no doubt in my mind he would have allowed you to hold his baby girl’s heart in your hands. It sounds like Addy was meant for you, young man. Hold on to that love.”

He shakes my hand and introduces himself, even though I already know more about him than I’d ever let on. We chat a moment longer, and then I see the brim of a white dress glide across the floor. Finding its own rhythm against the sparkling tile. Aiden’s eyes light up like stars in the night sky, and he says, “Addy. My love. Come meet a new friend.” Gesturing gently and reaching his hand to hers. My heart quickens. My pulse nearly reaches the surface of my skin. “This is Beckett. I ran into him in the bathroom. He saw our wedding, and I told him I’m the luckiest man alive.” He says, winking at her. She giggles. A sound so pure and innocent. Reaching out her hand, she gently holds her soft gaze with mine. The caramel swirls in her eyes, lighting up with each motion. Hints of a warm, comforting scent fill my nostrils. A scent far too familiar. Her mother.

 “It’s lovely to meet you, Beckett.” Her soft smile causes the crinkles to appear on her nose. The same little lines that have always held bits and pieces of my love throughout her life. “Addy, it is quite the pleasure,” I say, bowing my head, not wanting to let her go. “Would you care to come to the reception? We have plenty of food. And I promise we’re a good time. Though Aiden might try to outshine you on the dance floor.” She says as the corner of her mouth tugs up at him. A jagged inhale courses through my lungs. I’m seeing my entire world flash before my eyes, and just as I’m about to agree, a voice in my earpiece causes that same world to come tumbling down. “Shadow Eight, you’re needed on the next flight out. It’s urgent.” I reach up and tap the earpiece in response. “I wish I could. But I have somewhere I need to be. Thank you for your kindness. Maybe one day I can show Aiden there’s no outshining me on a dance floor.” The space around us is filled with her idyllic laughter, and now I’m okay with saying goodbye. Letting the sound of her joy leave me with a sense of comfort. Almost like an answer to a deep longing buried inside of me. They are hand in hand, and I’m slowly losing her again through the sea of people. She is smiling up at a man who has always had my approval. Before I lose sight of her for good, she turns around one last time to smile at me, and just as she does, a yellow butterfly passes by. A reminder that even when she can’t see me, my baby girl is never alone.