Meds

Every morning, I wake up to my mother tapping my shoulder and saying in her soft and sweet voice, “Wake up sweetheart, it’s time to eat,” as she whispers “today the day.”

She says that every day but I will never do it, I know every doctor and therapist says I have to so I can stay safe, but I just can’t. We both know it’s wrong but life has been so good ever since I stopped. Mom wants to tell people, well she wants me to tell people but it is so much easier to lie. When they ask I just say “of course” and no one can tell the difference. I go on with my normal life, it doesn’t affect me or anyone else so I don’t see the problem. When she tries to explain it to me I don’t let her and today were no different.

I got up today as she shouts down the hall, “Johnathan, you must!” Tears collect in my eyes as always but I wipe them away. She knows why I can’t and I never will, why doesn’t she understand. She sighs and follows me to the kitchen where she serves me my breakfast. My stomach grumbles because I haven’t eaten real food in days but I could never tell her that. So I continue to eat her food and smile and laugh at her jokes. We get in the car and head to the supermarket, people look at me like I’m crazy but I don’t care. I get to the line and place everything on the belt and watch them roll into the bag as the worker gives me a worried look and rings everything up for 0 dollars, again. I’ve been coming every day for the past week and still don’t know how everything costs nothing but I don’t ask. She asks if I took it today and I rolled my eyes and said yes. I can’t tell if she knows I’m lying but she looks away and sighs. I take the bag and we walk back out to the car. Mom gets into the passenger seat and I drive back home.  

When we get back home I give her a hug and she starts to make dinner. I go back to my room and lay down as all the emotions flood out of me. I try to be as quiet as I can but she knows and she comes to my side. 

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this Mom” I sob as she strokes my hair and gives me a sad smile. 

“I know honey,” she whispers “I know.” She goes to the bathroom and brings me the container and the cup of water. “Just do it.”

My hands shake as I reach out but then yank my hands back and curl up in a ball. Mom looks at me and says “You need to take your medicine, I know you haven’t been eating real food

 for me.”  

She knows, I think as my head floods and feel like it’s about to explode. “You don’t understand!” I scream at her shaking, I can’t lose you again!

“I understand but you can’t keep me forever.” She hands me the pill and smiles. “Just take it”

“B-b-but,” I stammer. “if I take the pill, I’ll lose you too.” I don’t know what will happen but I just know I cant. Mom closes my hand around the pill and looks at me. I nod and know I have to.

“Honey I love you,” she smiles “but it’s been years. You lived without me for that long you can do it again.

The flashbacks start, the ambulance, the hospital, the funeral, the graveyard, and that one day that I forgot to take my pills. A week ago I forgot to take my pills and someone suddenly knocked on my door. I opened it and saw my mom, it has been so long since I last saw her and I knew I couldn’t let her go again. I ate the food she made me even though I knew it wasn’t real. After a few days, my stomach hurt from now eating, and my head hurt as the hallucinations started to take over. It wasn’t just Mom anymore. I saw strange things, floating objects in the living room. Horses in the kitchen. I couldn’t control it anymore and I knew I couldn’t lie anymore, it was over. I swallowed the pill and hugged Momm hoping, maybe if I hugged hard enough she wouldn’t disappear. Suddenly I looked around and realized I was holding onto air. I collapsed and knew it was over, no more lies, no more weird looks, no more mom. I walked to the kitchen to eat the food that was really in the fridge. I ate an apple as I called my therapist and explained everything that happened.

She was shocked and told me to come in right away but I couldn’t. She came to me and told me that the trauma from losing my mom caused the hallucinations to be her when I didn’t take my meds. I hallucinated life as it was years ago before she got sick. I ate the food she would cook and could have died because it wasn’t real. She sent me to a mental hospital to keep me in check. I was there for a year, taking my medicine and getting people who helped me through the depression. 

It’s been a year but I write this to warn others if you have my condition you have to take your meds. If I had waited a day more I would have died from starvation. It is uncontrollable and very difficult, but you must keep trying. Help yourself because otherwise you can get sucked into a hole so deep you can’t climb out. Loss is hard but you must stay strong. Every day I feel like crying, every day I feel like I can’t go on but I have to. It’s what she would have wanted.