My Pain, Our Memories

“Friday , 12am”, Kisa reads aloud with a light groan staring at her digital clock , she doesn’t remember the last time she genuinely slept well , at this point the image of  Susan’s forceful smile while she prescribes Kisa a higher dose for her sleeping pills comes running to her mind. She groans again bargaining her choices with her brain, she sighs burying her face deeper into the warm pillow, today, she felt was different, it was heavy , this wasn’t the usual descending into depression alarm, she felt her body quiver and her eyes water , she stares at the ceiling clutching her chest , her shirt crumpling under the pressure of her fist, “Ah , here it is again” , the mind crumbling feeling , “My body and soul yearns for  something my mind isn’t aware of “ , this feeling would always envelop her mind once every week while she was having another of these sleepless nights, it had only been about a month since she had returned to her city apartment after being at her parents place for 3 months , she ransacked her mind for anything she left behind , some old blanket or thing she had a particular attachment to maybe that she forgot back there ? , all in vain because she could never think deep enough without being hit by a splitting head ache , which she considered a painful reminder of her long workaholic hours that were slowly killing her braincells , she groaned again and buried herself deeper in the duvet , tomorrow she was going to drive 3 hours go to her parents house and find out what it is that she had left behind that was giving her so much mind numbing anxiety and random chest pains including these idiotic sleepless nights , she nods to herself with determination and slowly passes out.

She woke up at around 11 am , she was more tired now then she was before and that really says a lot about how important this mission was to her now. She started opening her closet for casual clothes going right behind , she wore her suits daily to work so this was the first time in a while she was visiting her ‘casual clothes corner’, She looks over to a random black T-shirt which was very obviously not hers , she could put it up saying it’s an old boyfriend’s but who is she kidding she’d been single for 10 years, maybe it’s her brother , Jeff’s , she must’ve picked it up by mistake while packing her own clothes from home , anyways “you’ll do” she mumbled wearing the oversized black shirt that just had “Nirvana” , written on it , funny , she thought because Jeff ,  was hardly into rock bands , as soon as she wore it she felt some overwhelming warmth , “damn did lying in the corner of the closet make you this warm?” She asks herself puzzled. “Oh well” she thought and dismissed it , she slipped into warm leggings and grabbed her cars dashing towards her car, she gets in and presses the radio on , she doesn’t usually put the radio on because she’s usually in work mode as soon as she gets in the car, but this long ride demanded music to distract herself from the boredom, the radio had some sappy music on by Taylor swift or something , which she would usually enjoy but for today “all too well” really wasn’t helping her groggy lethargic mood , she opened the front car compartment for some gum or something and her hand slides over a cd case , which was weird because her car didn’t even have a cd compartment , and would you

Believe it , Nirvana again!. 

She thinks to herself for a moment before connecting her phone to her car speakers and turning nirvana on , on Spotify , she knew of nirvana songs everyone her age did , but she was never an avid listener, but even as she thought that thought she felt like she was lying , which was weird because why would she lie to herself , she shrugs and puts it down as,  Jeff, her brother leaving the CD over the there , she looks down at the comfort the nirvana black shirt provided her and just sighs in comfortable silence trying to ignore the confusion that was starting to overwhelm her , why is she singing every nirvana song by heart, why is she genuinely happy tapping her fingers against the car steering wheel , it was an instant serotonin boost , did she have a secret personality that liked nirvana ? , she laughed her thought off awkwardly , that’s the only possibility considering she had no recollection of being an adamant Nirvana fan.

Her confusion and happiness had now converted to reluctant irritability, she pulls up in her family home’s drive way. She knocks on the door and her mother who see’s her up from terrace smiles brightly ,”hey baby” , she practically yells , as if her mothers cheery attitude rubbed up on her Kisa spares a soft smile ,” come down mum”, she yells while smiling shyly , her mother nods and comes down to open the door , as soon as she sees kisa she smiles before her gaze dropping down to her shirt and that leaves a very disturbing look on her mothers face , she seems bothered , pained even , but she changes her expression quickly , “here for the weekend sugar?” , she asks her voice slightly shaking , kisa just stares at her mother, “mom are you that pained seeing me in Jeff’s shirt ?” , she asks confused and slightly annoyed , her mother just goes back to smiling but this smile seemed more natural more pitiful ?, kisa just groans and flops on the couch , “anyways mum did I leave any of my belongings behind here, I feel kinda empty these days , she mumbles, also mother ,was I ever a nirvana fan ? I don’t remember any of it”, her mother doesn’t turn around , busying herself with arranging the table ,”yeah , you were a nirvana fan” , she says softly, but you could also tell she was saying it with a smile on her face, “when you were 17 you sneaked off with a group lf friends and attended their concert even though dad and me grounded you”, kisa just thinks to herself absentmindedly, “huh I was quaint the rebel 10 years ago” , but she still couldn’t remember it , Her mother turns around and looks at her with a smile , “so, you’re finally here for what you left behind ?”

Kisa looks at her mother suspiciously,” why are you saying it like I dumped my trash here or something “,”did I inconvenience you too much mother” , she says mockingly before heading to the room expecting all her stuff to be there , but suddenly she was stopped by her mother , “are you actually ready” , she asks , again with the same pained expression like she’s physically hurting , Kisa nods slightly annoyed now, “it’s just like he said, 2 months and it’ll all come back “, she says suddenly hugging kiss while crying , a sense of dread enveloped Kisa , her head splitting headache returning as her brain unconsciously started looking for memories that resided locked in the back of her long term memory buried deeply in the subconscious, just like this black nirvana shirt she found buried deep in her closet.

3,2,1. Boom!, Kisa’s legs gave out , she clutched her ears, she could hear a soft voice calling out to her in a million flashbacks that were playing in repeat , a face . A familiar face ?. No not a familiar face, wait how does he know my name then ? , his face is getting closer and more clear , the distinct voice becoming more recognisable, oh. 

It’s him, Lace Anderson , the guy who followed me around in school when I randomly decided I wanted to get into Yale for Law. The same guy who decided to follow me to all my extracurricular projects , charity events and enrichment projects I did for extra credit, the same guy who decided his devotion was his only purpose in life , the same guy who beat someone up because they said our puppy love won’t last, the same guy who stood outside my house in the rain because he was sorry I had to see his “delinquent side” as he so eloquently put it, the same guy who who cried along with my parents when I got into Yale , the same guy who got a job in the Yale food kitchen just so he could feel that I was at least eating something that he was part of creating , all I because I said I could not be driving 3 hours to and fro just to see him , that same guy” Why did I try to forget him?” , why am I suffering so much just thinking about him right now , while my mother sobs in my back , oh right. I remembered it now, she realised what she left behind. Those memories and emotions flooding back and overwhelming her senses.

The boy I was in love with who never gave me a moment to doubt him , the boy who I’ve loved for 10 years and the boy who claimed his existence only served the purpose of loving me , the boy who could just make it a long distance relationship with meeting up sometimes , decided that his  culinary arts degree was a side quest but joining my college’s kitchen to prepare a meal i might eat was his main priority. I don’t remember anything that happened in the last 5 years , I can only remember his happy face and his deep loving voice calling out to me like a sirens voice urging me toward my own pain , then it hit me , the night it snowed , the night I finished late, the night Lace got mad at me for overworking again, the night he personally drove to me from our apartment to surprise me after kelt , the night he could just casually avoid , the night he could just have picked up an extra shift at his restaurant, “Kisa’s” , even the name of his restaurant that only brought me pride and inexplicable joy ,now made me want to wrench my heart out , the night I exited the office doors to step out on the chilly night , the night I noticed our white Audi parked right in the middle , the night , that night. 

The night where that truck rammed right into my Lace’s car , the night where the smile was plastered to my face because I couldn’t comprehend what just happened, the night Lace screamed at me to not come closer with his remaining strength before our car , our car. The car. the car we spent a 1000 priceless memories in , was lit on fire the blast so loud it brought me out of the shock , I watched as everything turned into ashes before collapsing.

That’s all she could remember, she let out of a guttural scream hugging herself , her nails scratching her arms drawing blood she was unaware of what she was doing completely shattered , She looked up at her closed room door , before pushing her mother aside and entering , there it was a 1000 pictures of him and her , his clothes, His clothes, thrown in a pile with other belongings of his , why was everything dumped here , she looked confusedly at her mother, when she woke up randomly a month ago in a random hospital near work, she had no recollection of why she was there , the nurse just told her she had fainted from overworking and she should take a break , so she came over to her parents house for a month to recuperate, but her parents made her sleep in the guest room instead saying her old room was all mouldy or something, two months ago , she had lost the love of her life and she had no recollection of it , what about the funeral , oh right there was barely a body , she laughs to herself a pained desperate laugh , hoping she could just escape .

After 5 hours after she had finally tired herself crying on the floor she looked around the room , she saw an urn , a picture stuck to it , she saw his bright smile “, Lace always had a bright smile “ crying with a soft smile on her face . The nirvana poster seemed to be staring down at her , looks like mom and dad shifted all his belongings from my apartment to this room, looks like they were prepared for this trauma induced memory loss , she scoffs laughing to herself before banging her hand in frustration screaming and crying again , her mothers soft sobs could be heard outside , she knew not to disturb her daughter in this private moment but she couldn’t help staying close.

Days and days and days passed , on the 15^th day Kisa stood up straight to finally shower , her mother smiled at the progress , kisa turned the bath on and slid in , her mother came to check up on her hoping she hadn’t fallen asleep in there , instead she was met with an unconscious Kisa and a bath full of blood. Four days passed , kisa finally woke up , she looked around and realised she survived her attempt , her mother had obviously passed out crying in the couch , she looked up at her dad , she hadn’t seen him in a while , she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep , couldn’t she stand being awake anymore , couldn’t she picture herself alive without him? Did she want to die or did she want the pain to end . She asked herself these questions for the next week , she’s just in pain , she finally accepted her grief , she didn’t want to die . No. She couldn’t. She had to go and work and look after the restaurant he left behind , she had to go back to her old life for both her and his sake , she had to. She owed it to him. 

She looked up at her parents , she finally speaks after twelve days , “I’m sorry “ she mumbled meeky ,” I won’t hurt you two again”, her parents who had both looked like they’d too lost their will to live nodded weakly , “I’ll try to fill the hole he left”, her mother stated politely , kisa leaned in and wiped a stray tear from her mothers face , “no mom, nobody would be able to do that , that is his only his to fill” kisa stated with a soft laugh and that hole down there too she thought to herself laughing to herself.

A month later , Kisa was packing to leave from her family house , she decided she was fine and ready to go back home , her home, their home. She was absentmindedly packing her things while humming a Nirvana tone, her mother was packing side by side helping her , suddenly she remembered what her mother had told her on the day she found out , about how she snuck out to watch the nirvana concert with her ‘friends’ , “hey mom do you remember how you lied to me saying I snuck out to watch the nirvana concert with said ‘friends’ haha” , kisa thinks back to that memory, it was actually a day of her last final exam , the day Lace her Nirvana freak boyfriend had left her a ticket for the convert, the only day kisa the bookworm had decided to skip a study day just to do one favour to her boyfriend and watch his favourite band’s concert with him , That was the first and last time she had ever surprised Lace, Kisa who was never big for romance or any romantic gestures was there , at the concert with her Applied Physics Textbook , staring at Lace with a cheeky smile and that there was to Lace the moment he realised this was the best and most romantic thing anyone could ever do for him, she realised why her mother had to lie to her and say she went there with friends , because if she reminded kisa of why or rather because of whole she was there , just like now she’d be crying, her heart full with awe and longing for her first and last love. 

The next day after loading everything in the car, she looked at her mother abruptly , “hey mom how’d you know id remember all this when I came here again?” , she just smiled at me knowingly , “remember how you forgot when your cat Beth died , you only remembered 2 weeks later , Lace reminded of this fact some years ago and we realised that’s what must’ve happened”, kisa nods slowly with a soft smile on her face ,” of course this bastard knows me this well even after his death” she mumbled smiling. 

“Friday , 12am”, kisa sighs softly and hugs one of Lace’s hoodies,”I’m so sleepy right now , was my sudden insomnia before only a punishment for forgetting and  leaving you behind?”, she asks the Golden urn that contained Lace’s ashes ,”well good job for me realising huh “ she says sarcastically with a smile , she looks at the picture on the urn “a picture of us in a haunted house ,” the note saying ,”I’ll haunt you even as a ghost babyyy”, kisa smiles , “keep your promise my love and do you best to haunt me” 

The moment she remembered what she had tried so hard to forget and retrieved what she had left behind she slept like a baby ..