Tell Me It’s Not

As I reflect on the past remembering all the different aspects of my brothers life, I find myself overwhelmed with emotions. As I struggle to forgive myself and find some kind of peace within, my mind takes me back to that heartbreaking moment when my worst fears became a reality. That moment that tore my entire world apart. The guilt I feel for not going and finding my brother to make sure he was safe can be absolutely consuming.

I had this overwhelming feeling the night before that something terrible what’s going to happen to him. I knew my husband would think I was just being the overprotective big sister I had always been. He would tell me my brother was a grown adult capable of making his own decisions and he chose where he wanted to be.

The troubling fact that life experiences have taught me to follow my gut and listen to my premonitions should have led me to do something. Why didn’t I react? Will I ever be able to forgive myself? Will I ever be able to find peace?

On a daily basis my eyes water and the tears sting my cheeks as a struggle to pull my life back together again. It feels like I’m never going to get anywhere as I face one obstacle after another. It seems like someone is intentionally creating these obstacles that keep cluttering my path in an attempt to kick me while I’m down. I refuse to let them have their way. I will not quit fighting. I will do everything I can to regain control of everything I lost when my brother was tragically taking from this world. That is what he would want. That is what he would expect me to do.

Being the oldest, I was always held to a higher standard. Although, it was that standard that made me the strong person my brother looked up to.

Nine years older than him, at times I played more of a parental role than that of a sibling. However, the dysfunctional environment and everything we endured growing up created a unique bond between us that was never broken. We loved each other dearly. We were as close as a brother and sister could ever possibly be. The unique bond we shared proved time and time again that we would always be there for each other. Even when life threw us situations that would destroyed most sibling relationships, the bond we shared became even stronger. He knew I would always be there for him and he will always be there for me. Even if one of us was wrong, we still had each other‘s back.

Being the oldest, I was always looking after my baby brother. I loved him with all my heart. The love I had for him started on the very first day he was born or maybe even before.

Having a large extended family, (My paternal grandparents had 15 kids on my dad’s side.) I had 22 first cousins on my dad side of the family. For nine years I was an only child. I remember watching my cousins fight and all their sibling rivalries. My mother taught me to always treat others the way I wanted to be treated myself. She would tell me to think how I would feel if the situation was reversed. It amazed me to see some of the things my cousins would do to one another. Not only would they hit each other or pull each other‘s hair, they’d push each other down the stairs, out of treehouses and pick objects as weapons. When I would watch them fight I would wonder if they knew how lucky they were to have each other? Then I would say to God if he would just let me have a baby brother, I would be the best big sister in the world. I would be so nice to him. I promise never to pick on him and I never to let anybody else pick on me. It became part of my bedtime prayers. Every night before I would go to sleep, I would plead with God, “Please, please, please let me have a baby brother. I promise to be the best sister in the entire world! On May 13, 1982, Guard finally answered my prayers and gave me the gift I had been asking for. On that day in May, in Huntsville, AL, my brother Malcolm Ronald Patterson was born.

When I saw him through the nursery window, I thought he was the cutest, most beautiful baby ever born. When I held him for the first time, I kissed his little forehead and whispered to him that I was going to be the best big sister in the entire world. From that moment on, that’s what I tried to be.

I loved him with all my heart. I fed him, burped him, changed his diapers, gave him baths, played with him and I was determined he would know I loved him more than anyone else. When I would kiss his little cheeks, I would kiss them at least 30 times. When I tickled his belly, hearing him laugh and chuckle filled my heart with so much joy words cannot express the happiness I felt in my heart. The birth of my baby brother made me the happiest little girl alive.

Before Malcolm was born, I was a little girl caught in the middle of a dysfunctional family of three. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was always yelling. At times, I found myself caught in the middle running to my mothers rescue as they physically begin to fight. The violence I witnessed was traumatizing. Fleeing in the middle of the night became a regular routine and a normal part of my life. There are times when it got so bad that I would run to the phone and call my Granny and Pa-paw. They will jump in the car and rush to my rescue. When my parents would figure out I had called, they would get themselves together and act as if nothing had happened. My grandparents knew better though. They would hear them yelling when I called. Furthermore, my mother did not have enough time to hide the marks on her face and my eyes would still be red and puffy from all the tears I had cried.

When Malcolm was born, I was determined to shelter him from all the things I had experienced in my young life. In addition to my parents fighting, I was also being sexually abused by multiple members of our family and I was determined to protect him from them as well. So when I saw things were about to start happening, I would block everything out, pick up my brother and get him as far away from them as I possibly could.

I would take him outside and begin playing with him. As we blocked out everything around us, we would embark on our next exciting adventure. Our imaginations would take us to a different world. We would go swimming and transform into mermaids. I would be the mermaid princess and he would be the king of the sea! He would stand on the steps of the pool with his staff in hand fighting off the evil queen and I would swim and dive underwater to hide from her. He would shoot electrical bolts at them and yell “Hide Princess Stissy, They’re coming! Hide!” When Malcolm was little he couldn’t say Misty when he first began to talk. Instead, he called me Stissy and he was my Bubba.

When we weren’t Mermaids, Bubba’s imagination would take us to Eternia. Bubba was Prince Adam and he’d tell me I could be his twin sister, Princess Adora. Then as darkness casted over the sky, we had to protect Castle Grayskull from Skelator and his evil army. As Malcolm held up his sword and yelled with all of his might, “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I HAVE THE POWER!” I could see the lightning bolts coming down from the sky, striking his sword as he became He-Man…. Master of the Universe. He would yell “Come on Sherah! We have to save Castle Grayskull!” Together we would defeat the evil Skelator and save the day. After Castle Grayskull was safe, we would return to our human forms and find our next adventure.

We did everything together. I carried him on my hip through the fields of Hazel Green on our Granddaddy’s farm. We would roll around in the Alfalfa field and make us a maze. We had to be careful though because if Pa-Bill ever caught us he would whip our butts. Luckily we never got caught. Everyone else did but we were lucky. We’d hear him yelling for us to get out of that hay. Then a little while later we’d hear him yank one of our cousins up and they would scream as they were getting their whipping. Then I would grab Malcolm by the hand and yell “RUN!” We always got lucky so it was worth it. It was fun making tunnels in the Alfalfa field.

When Malcolm was 4, I taught him how to swim. He didn’t have the confidence to jump in the deep end but I knew I had been watching him swim in the shallow end for weeks. So I took him to the diving board and threw him in. Momma told me I better not but I did it anyway. He yelled, “I’m telling!” Quickly, he ran inside and told our mom I threw him in. He then proceeded to tell her it was fun and he was going to do it again. From that moment on he was like a fish in the water.

During the summer time when I was in high school, I had dance team practice Mon-Thurs from 8-12. I took him to all my practices. When he would get bored watching us girls, he would run out to the football field where the football players were having practice. He would line up with them to do their drills which tickled the football coaches. I would yell for him to come back but they would tell me he it was fine. Then we would go home and spend the rest of the day out by the pool.

As he got older, he started hanging out with his own friends but we still confided in each other. The first time he got his heart broken, I think I cried more than he did. It broke my heart to see my baby brother cry. I couldn’t shelter him from that but I sure did want to go kick her butt for breaking my brothers heart. Don’t worry; I didn’t. I wanted to but I didn’t.

I kept my promise though. I was and continued to be the best big sister a brother could have I was always there for him and he was always there for me.

Not only was he a great brother, he was a great friend as well. He would do anything he could to help others that really needed it. He helped get other people off the streets and would even give away his last dollar for someone who was hungry. When he was younger, he asked our mom to take part of his Christmas and give it to the kids down the road because they weren’t getting anything for Christmas. Their parents had fallen on bad times and if they couldn’t have a Christmas, he didn’t want one either. He had a heart of gold but now he’s gone.

The one person in the world I could always count on to be there for me. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I do something after having that overwhelming premonition? The next day I awoke up from a nap, gasping for air at the exact same moment he was killed. I knew immediately something really bad had happened. Someone was dead. I needed to go back home. My children were going to be devastated. They needed me home. No! No! Not my Bubba! Please don’t let it be my Bubba!

Then came the news. On January 09, 2021 at approx 2:25pm, a man entered the apartment where my brother was visiting in Fayetteville, TN. He had gotten what he wanted. There were 5 people in the room: The shooter, my brother, a female and two males. He could have just walked out the door. what he wanted. Instead he stopped before exiting, turned around and shot my brother in the chest. He fled the scene leaving 3 other people standing. Why? Why did it have to be my brother?

I never thought my heart could break like this,

Words can’t explain how difficult this is.

My baby brother he was my best friends since we were little kids,

How did it come to this?

My husband held me when he broke the news.

He held me tight and told me what he knew,

Baby I’m sorry there was nothing they could do he was shot in the chest

He didn’t make it through.

Corus

Tell me it’s not true

but deep down I knew

that connection that we had

From the moment that he fell

I felt the pain

It took my breath away

If God would grant one wish

I’d wish to see you

Walking through that door again Big brown eyes and that smirky grin

To hear your laugh

To hear you call my name

Like you used to do

VS 2

And in that moment my mind was so confused

I couldn’t comprehend who’d want to hurt you

I dialed your number and a strange voice came through

She gave me the details of what had happened to you

It cut like a knife deep down in my soul

And it made my heart break even more

And then the word came they had made an arrest

But no answers were given and he did not confess

Tell me it’s not true

But deep down I knew

That connection that we had

From the moment that he fell

I felt the pain

It took my breath away

If God would grant one wish

I’d wish to see you

Walking through that door again

Big brown eyes and that smirky grin

To hear your laugh

To hear you call my name

Like you used to do

VS 3

It’s not fair

No matter what those prosecutors do

No justice in the world will ever bring you back

You are gone forever and that’s not gonna change

and I’ll never be the same

Tell me it’s not true

I wish it wasn’t true

Tell me it’s not true

but deep down I knew

That connection that we had

From the moment that he fell

I felt the pain, it took my breath away

If God would grant one wish

I’d wish to see you

Walking through that door again

Big brown eyes and that smirked grin

To hear your laugh

To hear you call my name,

Like you used to

End song

Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

Will I ever find peace?

I wasn’t there to hold him during his last moments when he laid there coughing and choking on his own blood. I wasn’t there to protect him.

I wish I could wake up and find it was all just a bad dream.

Will I ever find peace?

Tell me it’s not true!