My dearest diary

* I saw him again. Walking past the window. A hint of a smile tugged at his lips, and it sent butterflies flying through me. He was absolutely breathtaking.

By now I have his routine memorized. In the mornings he jogs past while I’m setting up for the day. He’s always a little late for work. At lunchtime he sits at my café ordering coffee and the sandwich of the day. Sometimes he comes in with some colleagues and other times he sits alone with his nose buried in a book.

He’s always friendly but I know that he’s not interested in me. At the most we could be friends. His tastes, if his coffee dates are any indication, more in the way of tall, lithe blonds rather than a small, plump, redhead like me. Not that it matters to me. I’m quite satisfied with the image of him I have built up in my fantasies. Taking things into reality would shatter my little stories of us together and drown them in the mundane.

Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. He might snore, hate animals, be too involved in politics, not involved enough in sports. Sometimes fantasies need to stay just that.

* I think he has a girlfriend now. His smile is brighter, his laughter louder. Everything about him is more energetic. I like that for him. He deserves it. Everything should go his way. Even if it makes those butterflies feel more like knives twisting and stabbing on the inside and the world a little darker. At least he still comes around the café every day. Still smiles at me and wishes me a great day. In my world that is enough.

* I overheard that he’s getting married. He was calling his mom to tell her the news. His gorgeous fiancée beaming beside him. A sparkling diamond catching the light with every move her hand made. They look perfect together. It was a surprise that she’s actually a brunette. Tall, thin, impeccable dressed in heels that make me feel dizzy just thinking about wearing them. I’m so happy for him. Even though my nails dig into my palms as I try to keep calm.

When they came up to the counter to pay the bill I even managed to congratulate them. She looked right through me but him… he actually looked at me for a moment, like he could really see me. Not as the café owner always on duty to serve him, but as a person. I’m embarrassed to write it down, but I could feel my face turning red. This was the most attention I had ever gotten from him. That night I had a vivid dream of us together. We had a little cottage filled with dogs and children. What a wonderful thing to experience, even for a brief moment in a dream.

* They have been fighting. I can see it on his face and accidentally overheard it through a really awkward phone call. She was screaming at him, accusing him of something I didn’t quite hear. Not that I was listening. It was unavoidable giving her loudness. He looked so sad. Couldn’t even manage a smile as he paid and went back to work.

I hope he’s alright. There is nothing so wrong that your partner, the one supposed to spend the rest of her life with you, treats you this way. I wish she would just disappear. Then maybe he could find someone better. Someone that respects him enough to have a conversation in private rather than a war in plain sight.

* I didn’t see him for a whole week. I wonder where he was. Maybe he got a chance to travel. I felt so sad. Perhaps I should give up on this fantasy. It’s not giving me anything in return. Just a tiny escape from a life filled with work. I thinks it’s about time for me to find a hobby. The only thing I need to do is to hire more staff. I can easily afford it. That might be just the answer to all my problems.

* I might be the dumbest person on the planet. A new hobby, perfect. I decided to take an art class. I have always been good at creating things. Good with my hands, as one of my teachers had said back in the day.

When I arrived, there were only two chairs left right next to each other. And he just so happened to be the last one through the door. It was like someone was trying to electrocute me. The shock I got seeing him outside of my work was more intense than anything I have experienced before. The hair on the back of my neck literally stood up. I felt it with my hand. I thought I was going to die from embarrassment.

Thankfully he was so distracted by his phone that he didn’t notice me.

Although that was also painful. He was so close that I could feel his body heat and still I was invisible to him. When the class was over I all but ran out. This was just too much for me. I felt like a stalker in a cheap horror movie. Not that I’m going to drop the class. I’m just going to do everything humanly possible to avoid sitting near him.

* His usual routine at the café has resumed. He has been giving me some puzzling glances, but I pretend not to notice. The butterflies pushed down with force and a perfectly pleasant, yet professional “I-don’t-know-you-have-a-nice-day,” smile stuck to my face until he leaves.

God that is a hard thing to pull off. I like him so much. His fiancé joins him sometimes and I can’t help but to think about their future. All those things I saw in my dream playing out for them. And that is alright. He deserves all the happiness in the world. It was never supposed to be me anyways.

* This winter has been freezing. Maybe it’s that stupid defeat I feel when I see them together. He has been dressing differently lately. So formal and so uncomfortable. He has also been straying from his normal routine. Only dropping by before or after work to grab his coffee in a to go cup. I’m completely invisible. My butterflies grow weaker. With power of 10 instead of the thousands I once had. Though I still care for him deeply. He deserves the whole world. If only it was in my power to give it to him. Her influence might not be as positive as I had hoped. Or rather prayed. Her intentions self-serving rather than for the good of them both as a couple.

I lay awake at night thinking and wondering. Trying to cut through matter all the way to the core of my feelings. I’m afraid that their relationship might have been built on a lie. Like a fireball hurtling through the sky only to burn up and leave nothing but memories of the passion and heat behind. That’s not a trap his future should be bound to.

He should find a woman who is compassionate, kind and nurturing. A wonderful person who complements him in the looks department and shares his view on life. Someone like me… but not me… I don’t fit into that mold. No matter how much I would like to. Admiring him from a far seems to be my lot in life. And that’s not all that bad. I will get over my infatuation and find a nice guy to settle down with. And then we will both know happiness.

* Art classes finished today. My final piece was a painting representing happy feelings. My hope was that people could look at it and feel good. Like a ray of sunshine lightening their day. My teacher seemed to like it well enough. He, on the other hand, didn’t say anything. Just stared at it for a long time with a puzzled expression. Then he left the classroom. I noticed that he was back to wearing comfortable clothes. His demeanor both sad and determent. 

* They broke up. Apparently, it happened a while ago, but I got to see some of the aftermath for myself. She came in with a face like a thundercloud one afternoon. He had his nose buried in one of his favorite books. Not that I really know exactly what books he likes, it’s just that he has read this one four times before.

When he didn’t notice her straight away, she cleared her throat loudly and started screaming at him. It was quite unhinged. He sighed and just sat there, his eyes never leaving her face, letting her berate him for everything that went wrong between them. And that was a lot. Most of what I overheard was petty, the normal he said, she said things that happen to everyone. It just seemed like she wanted him to take all the blame. To crawl at her feet begging for forgiveness.

This wonderful man let her get everything out. Not even once trying to interject or put her down. When she finally had no more words, standing there with her hands balled into fists, tears streaming down her face, shaking from the frustration, he stood up and said sorry. Not in the “I really want to get this over with so I will humor you” but for real. His body language truly portraying it. He was so sorry for how their relationship had ended. Sorry that she was feeling bad.

My knees felt weak. The butterflies multiplying and giving me the feeling that if I wasn’t careful, I would take flight. I hurried to the back, trying to calm down, catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror. My cheeks flushed, lips slightly parted and my eyes were so bright. Thank every possible deity that no one had spotted me this way. That would have been so awkward.

When I got back to the counter they were gone.

* I wonder if he might be sick. He hasn’t been in for a month now. Maybe he did see me and put two and two together. No one likes to be ogled by a wannabe stalker. 

* It’s stupid to admit that time seems to move slower now. I have nothing to really look forward to. And no, it’s not like I have shut myself down, staying at home like a puppy waiting for the owner to come back home. I get out a lot. More classes, meeting friends, having fun. But that stupid hole he left behind bugs me. How can you miss someone so much when you have never really talked to them.

* There must have been a mix-up at the destiny office. Today he came in after work. Dressed nice in a suite and tie with a single red rose in hand.

He ordered coffee from one of my employees and sat down, fidgeting and looking around. He was so nervous. Must be going on a first date. What a lucky woman. His foot kept bopping up and down while he sipped from the cup. Staring out the window like his salvation would come walking by any minute now.

Finally, he stood up and approached the register. I was standing there, ready to charge him, when he looked me right in the eyes and offered me the rose.

“I have been thinking of you. Would you like to go on a date with me?”

My heart just about exploded with joy and disbelief.