Finding Essence

I've been searching for you. I scoured the earth in search of your essence that you left on my bedsheets. That night you were on fire, I wasn't sure whether to put it out or set you ablaze more.

As I drive down the coast memories of that night keeps playing in my mind. I was joyous, at first, but as I continue to replay that night, I find myself continue to find more reasons why I should hate myself.

The word no crossed your lips multiple times, but it fell on deaf ears.

Those scratch marks were defensive wounds not signs of pleasure. Your ripped blouse was not intentional like in those lustful novels you normally read. everything seems so wrong in the re-run. He kept saying I know you like it, so I thought you did! Oh! where did you go my sweet essence.

That’s what I named you that night Essence because you were so sweet back then. Now it feels a bit bitter.

The sun no longer has it shines, the sparkle in your eyes died when you left me. It no longer outshines the stars but can give a corpse stiff competition.

Horns blow around me not knowing that I stopped traffic. I put the car in drive and continue to the coast side. Maybe I’ll find you there. It used to be your favorite spot to visit.

The ocean was your friend when no one else was. You scribbled in your blue diary with purple tassels at the end. Writing your every thought in case they left you. You silly girl, don’t you know I need you!

Why didn’t you fight? Why didn’t you put up more resistance? You gave up on me, on us! We were a team and you left me there. Oh, my sweet Essence I need you back, I didn’t mean to sound so temperamental. That night changed me as well, but I chose to stay. So why couldn’t you?

I loved you! Those words are not hard to come by, but they hold the weight of the world. I still have that tore blouse with your scent, I could not bear to part with it. Essence. Your scent still lingers and in toxifies me to my core until I’m numb. I longer know if its from pain or excitement. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Should I feel guilt from your pain? I know you liked it. So why should I feel guilty? He said you like it. Why would he have lied? He loved you as much as I did. Didn’t he? So why run from me? Why run from him?

Red and orange hues fill inside my car signaling the setting of the sun, the shore is empty with no signs of life. I pull up in the parking area, car still running. I’m at your spot, but I still don’t see you anywhere. Maybe if I take a closer look, you might be here. There’s a small cave like hideaway we found a year back maybe your hiding behind there. The tides getting high the sand feel like pins and needles on my feet. A slow walk to my death, the pressure that surging in my chest grows with every steps. Are you dead? Why is this feeling coming over me, my anxiety is taking over and I don’t like it? Something is not right. Essence please be alive. I’m touching water now the fear of drowning is approaching. I brace myself on the nearby rocks to steady my balance. I can’t breathe. Essence please come and save me! There are faded prints here in the sand, someone was here! tears blur my vision as I push forward searching for you, to scared to look forward I kept my head to the ground and follow what little evidence left behind. A sandal sways in the waves before me. Those are mines! I perfectly remember wearing those same pair that night. Why are they here? I thought I left them in the car.

I started taking smaller steps until I reached end of the cave like structure. There you are! Someone is over your body. Hey! That can’t be right! How did he find you before me! What’s going on! My mind is racing to fast to comprehend what’s in front of me. Essence! Why aren’t you moving!? Answer me!

Before a knew it a slow, burning primal sound came from the pit of my stomach and surface from my mouth as I screamed and continue to pounced at him withal my might. Why did you do it! Why did you kill her! you said you loved her! WE said we loved her! So Why? She was innocent! She was pure, she was our everything! You took that from me!

You never deserved her. You never deserved to breathe the same air.

That’s it! CPR. I can give her CPR, I put my lips to hers and continue to pump air into her lungs. You cannot die Essence! I can’t live without you! We are a team, Since the day we were born! Life was us for the taking, you cannot die here. The thought of you dying is too much for me to bear. Please come back to me.

I pound and pound her chest, but every push became more difficult to accomplish. Memories of that night flash before my eyes, him taking us home, snuggling with him on the couch. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up to him surrounding us! Pining us down, His tongue grazing our skin like razorblade to unkempt facial hair. Blouse is torn, skirt is nowhere to be found, panties unrecognizable. A forceful fit, he pushed and pulled and pushed and pulled continually going deeper inside us as his member grows harder and harder as he opens a door that can never be closed again. The words ‘no don’t’ crossed lips but it sounded like “no don’t stop” to him. He plundered like a Viking finding new land, it was a thrill for him! That animal instinct in coming alive as he slowly killed my Essence. My sweet Essence. I won’t stop giving you mouth to mouth. I’ll breathe life into you so come back to me. Seconds felt like days, there’s still glimmer in your eyes, a slight movement of your chest, my Essence please be okay. His shadow leaves us here like he did back then. Once again leaving me to carry this weight alone. Not ever taking responsibility for anything. I lay on your chest to hear your faint heartbeat. I slowly melt into your arms, once again becoming one. My essence, I found you, please don’t ever leave me again.