For the Names I Dare Not speak

My fingers trembled as I typed ‘PLEASE READ ALONE’ in the email title. I didn’t want to write an email. I’d written the letter twice already, first in pencil, then in ink. My hands hurt. My heart hurt. Every letter I typed hurt. It was a resignation to our friendship, the final nail in my coffin. But I couldn't wait another week to hand over the carefully written letter. It felt so impersonal—an email. It was time to unfollow Thalia on all her social media. I didn’t want to see any reply from her. I couldn’t. Or maybe I could and that was the whole point. I hit send and waited the rest of my life for her reply.

~

I met her for the first time twice. The second was at college. We sat in the first row in a stark, windowless poetry classroom. She was wearing the Fellowship pendant from Lord of the Rings.

“I like your necklace,” I said.

“Thanks. You wanna partner up?”

We were supposed to write something inspired by someone we felt spoke eloquently.

I guessed that Tom Hiddleston inspired her.

She said, “No…have you heard of Benedict Cumberbatch?” 

I gave her a look. I adored the show BBC Sherlock. 

“Do you ship Johnlock?” she asked excitedly.

“I’ll only ship it if it becomes canon,” I lied.

“Mm, that’s reasonable.”

After class, while walking to my car, I received a text. It was from her. Hey are you on Deviantart? The website was where I posted my art, including fanart. Mostly fanart.

Yeah

Is your icon a green butterfly?

Yeah! How’d you know?

I think we’ve met before.

The first time we met was through our mutual friend, Vivian. Vivian and I were both looking to go to college for art and she had an art exhibition at her high school. We were in the courtyard where a few other students were milling about. The first friend she introduced was a boy. Like most boys, he seemed too cool for me and barely acknowledged me when Vivian introduced us. Or maybe that’s just how I felt. Next was Thalia. We didn’t actually talk to each other. We sat side by side, silently staring at wall art until Vivivan walked up to us and said, “You both like Disney, Harry Potter, and drawing.”

And then she walked away.

“Have you ever seen A Very Potter Musical?” Thalia asked.

“Have I?” I started singing the intro song.

“Oh okay, you know all the lyrics,” she said with a hint of annoyance. I think she was pretending. At least that’s what I hoped. 

After realizing we had a lot in common, she asked if I liked Tangled. She asked eagerly, with sparkling eyes. I felt bad telling the truth.

“I thought it was okay,” I said.

~

I met Aiden just the one time. One year before Thalia. In Theatre: Intro to Costuming. There weren’t many boys in the class and he had started the semester late. I immediately noticed him in the way that I could tell he was good looking so I avoided looking at him at all. Like a too-bright light. I planned to avoid him for the rest of the semester but he came up to me after class. He asked if he could have my number in case he had any questions about homework. I successfully grabbed his phone without dropping it. And proceeded to forget my own number.

“Can you tell I don’t give out my number a lot?” I asked with a shaky laugh.

I cringed at myself as he just stood there waiting. He said his thanks, took back his phone, and walked away. In the parking lot, a black, rundown truck with a Spiderman sticker pulled over.

“D’you want a ride?” Of course, it was Aiden.

I shook my head, too nervous to accept a stranger’s offer.

“I like your Spiderman sticker though.”

He finally smiled and I had to look away.

“Thanks!” he said.

He sat next to me the next time we were in class. 

“Who’s your favorite Spiderman?”

We were practicing simple stitching.

“Andrew,” I said. 

I was surprised when he agreed since I knew my generation had a special place in their hearts for Toby McGuire. The original trilogy was just so nostalgic. In my defense, Andrew Garfield was hot.

The guy was obsessed with Spiderman, which was fine by me. More than fine. The only weird thing about it was that he dressed like a hobbit. As someone who identified as a hobbit, I found it attractive. He was constantly dressed in vests and linen trousers. His fluffy, red hair looked more like Daniel Radcliffe’s in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire than Elijah Wood’s in any of the Lord of the Rings movies, but I liked it. He kept it pressed down under a beret. But more than anything, it was his eyes. They were my favorite color; green.

“So what are you studying?” 

I accidentally poked my finger with the needle.

“Ow. Um. Art,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t ask anything more about it.

“That’s cool.”

“And you?”

“Acting. Why do you think I dress like this?” We both laughed. “It’s part of why I’m taking this class. I’d like to make my own clothes. It’d help with cosplaying for sure.”

“You cosplay too?” 

How perfect was this guy for me?

“Yeah.”

“That’s so cool!”

“Do you cosplay?”

“I’d like to…”

“But?”

I didn’t want to say I wasn’t confident in my weight. So I just shrugged.

“Well, what kind of art are you studying?” he asked.

I almost poked myself again.

“I uh, haven’t decided yet.” That was a lie. I knew I wanted to study animation, but our school didn’t have a program for it. 

“I’m taking Technical Theatre, Acting, and Guitar,” he said.

Guitar? Could he be any more my type?

“How about you? Which classes are you taking?”

“Fundamentals of Design in Three Dimensions, Screenwriting, and Study of Cinema or something like that.”

“So you want to make movies?”

I shrugged again. 

We moved on to music. I told him that I grew up with the Beatles because of my dad.

“Who’s your favorite Beatle?” he asked.

“Ringo.”

“Nobody likes Ringo,” he said, which caught me off guard. Was he purposefully quoting 500 Days of Summer?

I replied with the corresponding quote, “That’s what I like about him.”

He laughed, confirming my suspicion. Should’ve known that was a bad sign.

~

I was surprised when Thalia told me she had a boyfriend. I didn’t find it strange at the time. We just had so much in common that it didn’t occur to me she could have a boyfriend. I thought I was feeling like a concerned mother—was he treating her right? Was he good enough for her? Then the disappointment came. It felt unfair. Why didn’t I have a boyfriend? Why did a girl that was so similar to me get to have one but I didn’t? I thought my interests were what deterred men away but she clearly proved that wrong. 

And it was so tiring—people asking the stupid question. Why are you single? Aunts and uncles asking, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” I got to a point where I’d jokingly tell them, “What’s a boyfriend?” It’s not that I didn’t want one. It just hurt that I didn’t know the reason. Why didn’t I? Was it that I wasn’t trying? That nobody liked me? Was I boring? Stupid? Ugly? I started wondering if there was something wrong with me.

~

It took all of my courage to ask Aiden out to my friend’s kettle corn booth at a festival one day.

“When?” he asked.

“Friday.”

“Can’t,” he said. “I work.”

“The festival goes into the weekend too if you want to stop by.”

“Sure.”

Saturday came fast and I donned my best outfit before getting in the car with my friend. I helped her set up and hoped I didn’t get any grease stains on my clothes. 

It was hours before he arrived. The sun was already setting. He felt bad about receiving free kettle corn from my friend but she insisted. And we got free sodas too. We walked around looking at different booths. There were also several shops on the street and I led him into one.

“This is my favorite antique shop,” I said.

“Look at this crazy bottle,” he said. “Do you think it’s bedazzled enough?” I laughed. It was an old perfume bottle with a glass rose stopper, decorated with rubies.

“A little girl must’ve done it,” I said.

“It looks like a potion,” he said. “Maybe she was trying to make someone fall for her.”

“So where do you want to go next?” I asked as we left the shop.

“I don’t know. Hey, there’s Savannah!”

He waved at someone far away and she ran right at Aiden, crushing him in a hug. 

“Sav! This is my friend Rebecca. Rebecca, this is my girlfriend Savannah.”

I held my tears and smiled.

~

I introduced Thalia to a few movies, including 500 Days of Summer. In the movie there’s a scene where the main character, Tom, explains the beauty of LA’s architecture to Summer, who had never really noticed it before. She goes on to appreciate it even after she leaves him. It reminded me of my parents. My mom is always appreciating the beauty in something, which was always difficult for my dad. But she helps him see those things. Once, Thalia told me about the tallest building in the world. Or was it just in New York? I don’t remember. Just like I don’t remember the actor she felt should be more appreciated on Broadway, and I feel guilty in not remembering those things. But she helped me see beauty in things I had never thought about and I think that’s when you really care for someone. When they inspire you to be a better person.

Thalia introduced me to a few things too, including Phantom of the Opera which I liked, and a song called Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo, which I didn’t like. It wasn’t really my kind of music but she put it on because it reminded her of Sherlock. “Isn’t this such a Sherlock song?” she demanded. I agreed. The song is about the singer getting high to get over someone. Though John and Sherlock were never depicted as a canon couple in the TV show, Sherlock does get high a couple of times throughout it. 

Speaking of Sherlock’s addiction, the reason he struggles with it is because of his chronic boredom. He even shoots the apartment walls in frustration. I got into the habit of texting Thalia with BORED when I wanted her to distract me. I did the same thing on my way to jury duty one day. My mom was trying to cheer me up, telling me to take it like an adventure. I could use the experience for a scene in a film I’d direct or an animation I’d draw. What really made me feel better was Thalia’s reply.

Promise me you won’t burn down the flat while I’m gone Sheryl

Sheryl was our name for an alternate universe where John and Sherlock were women. I got the hint immediately.

Oh, I don’t know Joan, the flat might have it coming, I texted back.

And that’s how our roleplaying began. We even started writing fanfiction together through a website called Omegle. 

~

I eventually told her that I did ship Johnlock. I had been embarrassed. I hadn’t wanted to come off as one of those girls who just liked the idea because it was hot or anything. I simply liked the idea of the show depicting a gay relationship as a normal one. They didn’t have to explicitly state it. There’s a quote out there of Mark Gatiss, co-creator of the series, saying something similar. Too bad he didn’t apply it to his own show.

~

One day Thalia and I were hanging out at her house and she was writing.

“You should post that,” she said, nodding towards the Johnlock fanart I was drawing.

“Nah,” I said.

“How come?” she asked.

“It’s embarrassing.”

“But you’re talented. You really should post these.”

“Maybe someday,” I said.

“Tell you what. How ‘bout you post your art when Johnlock becomes canon.”

“You really believe it’ll be canon?”

“You don’t?”

I shook my head. 

“Don’t worry it will.”

It didn’t.

By the time the Christmas special came around, she stopped believing Johnlock would become canon, and I actually started believing it would. Her adoration for the show had died around that time. She transferred to another community college in 2015. While I missed her, the distance helped a little.

I transferred to Cal State Long Beach where the art department was so underfunded, that tiles would fall occasionally from the ceiling. That didn’t stop me from adding a skip to my step as I entered Intro to Animation. I raised my hand confidently many times instead of hiding away at the back of class like I had done since what seemed like middle school. I was learning animation. I was socializing and making friends.

“What was the homework again?” asked one of my new friends.

“Let me check,” I said, opening the notes in my phone.

On reflex, I opened Tumblr. And didn’t understand what I was seeing at first. It was a photo of a familiar hand, displaying a diamond ring.

“Rebecca?”

I swiped the photo away along with my tears and when my friend asked what was wrong, I pretended it was nothing. 

My art suffered. My animation portfolio suffered. Or maybe it was just me who suffered. I couldn’t make a portfolio regardless of Thalia’s engagement.

When I found out I hadn’t gotten into the animation program I put all my hope on Johnlock. If I couldn’t have Thalia or animation, I could at least have that. 

My cousin picked me up on the day of the finale.

“Is it okay if I watch something in the other room?” I asked.

“Sure.”

The bar that showed how much time was left of the episode was getting shorter and shorter and still John, nor Sherlock, had confessed their feelings to each other. I was growing anxious and could feel the tears coming.

“What’s wrong?” My cousin asked when I was too quiet on the ride home.

“I’m just tired,” I said. Which was half true. I was tired of lying to people. I was sick of hiding my obsession with Johnlock and my crush on Thalia. So, in 2017 I restarted therapy. It was bizarre telling my therapist about Sherlock because she even reminded me of John’s therapist in the show. They had a similar haircut. I started taking Prozac and it changed my life for the better.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last. It took too long to get my refills and I became immune. I finished therapy. At the end of 2019, I came out to my parents as bi. I wanted to start 2020 fresh by telling Thalia the truth, but the pandemic got in the way of meeting with her. That’s why I ended up sending her an email. Though I explained that she never had to reply, it still stung when she never did.

~

It’s been months since I confessed my feelings to Thalia. I don’t hide my obsession with Sherlock or Johnlock anymore. My hand is confident as I glide my pen over my drawing tablet. I’m satisfied with the outcome. I sign it with my real name. I save it as a JPEG and open up Tumblr. I click on create post and add my drawing. My mouse hovers over the post button. I press on it. I feel lighter than I have in years.