Unfounded Doubt

Lucy couldn’t shake the butterflies that had formed in her stomach. But, it spread further than just that. Her legs felt like jelly in her high heels, and she had a hard time holding her microphone steady. Although it wasn’t time for her set yet, she thought it would calm her to see something familiar. She wanted to throw up, but that would ruin her make-up.

Which, in turn, would piss off her stylist.

Not to mention all her fans that were waiting.

The day had loomed over her since her agency announced it. Or, maybe it stemmed further back. Did the anxiety start when members of her group declared they no longer wanted to promote when their contracts were up for renewal? That declaration alone left Lucy with no choice but to convince her agency to let her go solo. She thought it was the right choice — continuing her career. A couple of her members had decided they wanted to step out of the limelight and start a family with their boyfriends. They wanted to start the next chapter of their life. To be fair, Lucy acknowledged that they were older. She had been the youngest out of the five. The other two wanted to step out of performing. They wanted to start acting on stage and on screen. She couldn’t fault them either. She just didn’t want to start all over after devoting so much time to this part of her life. 

This — being an idol — was all Lucy had. She had left home at a young age. Given up on her family. Given up on being normal. Unrecognizable. This rendered her practically antisocial. All she had was her group members, but even now they were leaving her. Rather, they left her. All alone. The negativity from the original disbandment press release sat on her shoulders. Their fans had been so heartbroken. Lucy had even used this to her advantage when pitching a solo career. She didn’t expect, though, that her fans would have such a negative reaction to her solo announcement, either. They wanted Melanie or Sora to have a solo debut. Not little Lucy. 

That didn’t stop the show from selling out within minutes.

It also didn’t stop her music video from getting millions of views.

Fickle fans, Lucy acknowledge. Said one thing when protected by the internet, but said another with their actions.

If only she had an entire fanbase to rally the anti-fans she knew would be present at tonight’s concert. Waiting, watching, wanting her to fail. That was the one good thing about having a group on stage — you could rely on each other. Another would pick up the slack, or draw attention away from mistakes. With a solo act, the only savior Lucy had was herself. No one would come to pick her up. No one would pick up the singing when her microphone cut out. The only help she had were her back-up dancers. Even then, they weren’t there to help her. They were there to help themselves.

“Are you ready, Lucy?” Julia her manger asked. Julia had helped Lucy through the transition. The agency originally wanted her to sign on a new manager. She had to convince them that she needed to keep their original manager. Julia was the only one that Lucy trusted.

Lucy let out a nervous chuckle and looked at her manager through the mirror in front of her.

“Not so much.”

“Don’t let the nerves get the best of you,” Julia said as she grabbed Lucy’s shoulders. “You’ll do fine.”

“Just fine?”

Julia’s eyes widened before she caught her mistake. “You’ll do amazing! Just relax. Deep breaths in and out.”

Lucy followed her advice and closed her eyes. She never expected her nerves would be so bad. Being up on stage with a group wasn’t that hard. She never imagined that being up there alone would be infinitely harder.

It reminded her of her entry audition ten years ago. She hadn’t told her parents where she was going. She had just skipped school and went to the audition. When she had stood in front of the judges, she felt her heart drop to her stomach. Her arms and legs were tingling with anxiety. That didn’t stop her then, and it surely wouldn’t stop her now. 

This concert — this solo comeback — felt like she was debuting all over again. As if every performance up to this point had been erased from history. 

Saliva built up in her mouth.

“I can’t do this,” she muttered, holding a hand to her mouth.

“Don’t you dare vomit,” Julia said. She grabbed a cold water bottle from the mini-fridge in the dressing room. “Drink this and keep breathing.”

Lucy took the water bottle and took a sip, rinsing the spit from her mouth. As long as she didn’t throw up on stage, she would be fine, right? As she continued to drink her water, she stared at her feet. 

I can’t do this alone, she thought. 

To some extent, she was right. Her fans had been right in their skepticism of her solo debut. She had been the weakest link amongst her members. The shyest. The quietest. She could sing, she could dance, but what was that when she didn’t have the charm and charisma like her other members? 

Lucy had another sip of water.

“Do they have any peppermint tea?” Lucy asked, looking at her manager over her shoulder. The peppermint tea should calm her nerves. Or the nausea, at the very least.

“Let me go check for you, okay?” Julia said. “Don’t go anywhere. We still have twenty minutes until your opener is done.”

Lucy nodded her head sullenly. It wasn’t like she could go anywhere. If she didn’t perform tonight, she’d never perform again. Even if her agency didn’t cancel her, she knew her anti-fans and fans wouldn’t hesitate to do so. As Lucy waited, she resisted the urge to check her phone. She didn’t want to see any messages or mention’s from fans or friends. She didn’t want to get her hopes up that everything was going to be okay. She didn’t want the pressure of letting down all her fans out there. Frankly, she would never recover from it. The disgrace. The guilt. Definitely no recovering from it. She can’t even start over her life, her face plastered everywhere and anywhere. This was the path she had to walk.

As Lucy counted down the seconds, she waited for Julia. She waited for her leg of the concert to kick off. She waited for the nerves to abide, allowing herself to feel confident. The more she counted, the more those nerves grew. This wouldn’t get any easier. There was certainly no sunshine. There was absolutely no rainbows. If she didn’t get a grip on herself, she would botch this entire solo career. Who, after debuting with a group, still suffered from stage fright? 

As she buried her face in her hands, the door opened behind her. She hid her face.

“I couldn’t find any peppermint tea, Lucy, but I found something else that may help you,” Julia said from the doorway. She didn’t want to look. She was scared that it wouldn’t help. That she would let down her fans, her friends, her company. Her hands started to tremble, and the flip-flop feeling in her stomach spread to her heart and lungs.

“Hey, Lucy,” a familiar voice came from over her shoulder. Her head snapped up, the panic subsiding just enough to get her bearings straight. Melanie and Sora stood alongside Julia with flowers and cakes. 

“We were going to surprise you after the concert, but Julia found us in the crowd,” Sora said, holding up the cake. “Said you were getting nervous. We should have guessed.”

“Leave it to our baby to get anxious,” Melanie chided, striding over to her. Lucy rose up and hugged Melanie. Sora set her gifts on the dressing room table and joined their hug. 

“Where are the others?”

“They are saving our spot in the cluster of people. We tried to blend in as best as possible, but I’m not quite sure how well that is going,” Sora said with a laugh. “We wanted to celebrate afterwards with you. Cake, food, drinks. The whole shebang.”

Lucy could feel the tension release in her stomach. She didn’t think her members would be here to watch. They hadn’t mentioned anything. Maybe Julia arranged it, or maybe they were planning it all along. She couldn’t be happier. To have the support of her closest friends right in the crowd. 

A wide smile spread across Lucy’s face and she hugged her friends tighter. “I’m so thankful for all of you. I’m truly lucky to have you all.”

“We are happy for you, you’ve made it so far already.”

“Alright ladies,” Julia said, stepping in. “Lucy needs her final touch-up before heading out on stage.” 

Lucy’s make-up artist was stood in the corner watching the girls talk. Melanie and Sora gave Lucy one last hug and gave her some encouragement before they filed out of the room. 

If it hadn’t been for them, Lucy would have thought she was doing this all on her own. That she was alone in the great big world waiting to be fed to the wolves. But, she wasn’t alone, and she won’t ever be alone. Lucy will have the support of her group, even if they aren’t performing together.

“Are you ready, Lucy?” Julia asked again.

With a firm nod of her head, Lucy smiled at her. 

“I’m more than ready."