The Obvious Betrayal

I remember the day I met you. I met you through my best friend. You guys were roommates in a study abroad scholarship  program, but went to different colleges. She told me so much about you. How you all would cook fun little meals, fancy sandwiches together, how you met the sweetest little cat that you both named Luna, and you had to lean on each other since a lot of the people in the program were homophobic. Thousands of miles away and it’s still something you can’t escape. She also told me you were really smart and could draw anything. You were the rare occurrence of someone who could study something like Chemistry, but also draw hundreds of silly cartoons. She told me you were the type of person who knew facts about anything and everything, but not intimidating despite it.

We came to your house one day around the holiday to give you a Christmas gift. My friend had given you this big red wooden basket of games, candy, and a little stuffed animal. I was immediately drawn to you. I felt safe and comfortable, like we had known each other for years. I was often shy and insecure about my words, but with you I felt funny and like I had something to offer. When I first saw you I noticed your long dark straight hair and wire rimmed glasses. Right before we left to your house, I had taken a lot of time choosing my outfit. I changed over and over throwing clothes across my room before I decided on brown overalls and a corduroy jacket. It felt silly, because when we came in, you were standing there in sweats and a big t-shirt. You somehow found a way to make it look good.

Before you, I didn’t have any friends. I walked into all my classes too afraid to approach anyone or to ask anything outside of class. I always felt like I was cornering people when I would ask them to do such things with me. As if asking for anything other than being a peer had too many strings attached. I  was excited to meet you because we went to the same school. The three of us were there, but you made me feel included. You even told me you wanted to take me to your favorite restaurant nearby because I had never gone. I felt a little giddy like maybe there could be something that would grow between us. 

Around the time I met you, I made a vow to myself that this would be the year I put myself out there. I had been in college for almost three years and had nothing to show for it. I had zero friends at my school, never dated anyone, and my days would often be wake up, go to class, drive home, watch some tv, and go back to bed. A few weeks had  passed and the new semester came. I asked my best friend how to ask you to hang out. What you liked or  would wanna do. She told me you liked matcha and that it was so important I try to make friends this year. She wanted me to show others myself and always gave me the confidence to try new things. She made me feel worthy of others’ company like people deserved to know me.  Next thing I know, I was going to pick you up. When you walked outside your house I was in complete awe. There’s a misconception that queer girls have to be one way or another. Maybe they dress more masculine and take on stereotypical “male roles” and pay for things. Maybe they are perfectly feminine, with dark eyeliner, and a deserted past with man. With you, I noticed you wearing brown carpenter pants, vans, with beautiful long curled hair and a face full of makeup. I loved the fluidity of it. The fact that you never noticed this about yourself or paid attention to it made it even more special. 

We went to a coffee shop nearby and stayed there talking for hours. Conversations flowed easily between us like no other. The weeks following, we saw each other every other day. I joined the club you and your friends were in and soon they were mine too. You’d come over all the time and we’d stay up talking till 3 am even though we had to go to class the next day.  We’d talk about everything from our fears to terrible things that had happened to us in the past. We talked about repressing our queerness and internalized homophobia. We talked about our families and the difficulties of having brown parents who struggled to accept us. 

I remember developing real feelings for you. I felt so nervous and terrified and excited all at once. I called my best friend to tell her about it and make sure I didn’t make anything weird. She was shocked when I told her. She got a little quiet and didn’t know what to say. She told me “Oh… well, honestly I’m really happy for you”. She was a little shocked, but supportive. She assured me that it simply took her by surprise, but was kinda perfect because we were all friends. Later, she told me her girlfriend was so happy for me because she had been worried there was something going on between you and her. I found this quite odd, but was happy that so many people supported me. 

After that, things were so enthralling between us. We slept over at each other's and became more physically affectionate. I remember feeling absolutely terrified to confess my feelings to you. I knew you wanted me to do it though. Everyone was telling me to go for it. My best friend was giving me words of advice telling me, “You got this!! I believe in you.” as if she was preparing me for a big test. Day after day, I would do a little countdown and would tell myself I could tell you everything. After some time, I finally told you how I felt. We were in my car and I mustered all the courage in the world. We would laugh about the next few days following because despite the months building up to that moment you had no idea whatsoever that I had feelings for you. It was kinda funny. You felt shocked that somehow like me could like someone like you. 

Things felt so unreal. I had liked you for months and it was finally happening. I remember going over and meeting your mom. She didn’t know we were dating yet, but it felt so close to being known. I felt special being able to meet her and talk to her. You even told me that she liked me. You said your mom had this intuition about things, like she could really tell the type of person a person is and according to her I was a kind one. You told me she never really says those sorts of things unless she means it. In contrast, she said that my best friend would hurt you one day. You didn’t know why she would say that about her, but she said she just felt that way. I remember telling you that I couldn’t understand why she would say that. 

Here is something about my best friend. She is the most thoughtful person I have ever met. She listens to all the things people tell her and pieces things together enough to find you the perfect gift for every occasion. She loves hard, really hard. She is the type of person who spends hours thinking about how she can be the best person. She once told me that she sat in front of her girlfriend crying. She was crying because of how much she loved her and she couldn’t believe it. She was crying because she never wanted to hurt her, a mistake she had made in the past with others. We can hurt the exes of our past, but she had nothing to show that she would do that to her current girlfriend. I had never been in love, but from the way my best friend described it, it’s so beautiful that it hurts. I couldn’t fathom her hurting me or you or anyone for that matter.I don’t know what compelled me to say this to you, but I did, “Why  would your mom say that? I really can’t think of anyone she’s ever hurt. Maybe an ex or two but that’s in the past. She’s never hurt me in any way.”. Of course, you never told her that your mom said that, but I had thought about it every now and then.

I remember the day things started to crack. One day my best friend came to visit us and we were all hanging out. For hours, you both began to talk about when you studied abroad. You talked on and on about all the things you would do, showing photos, and telling inside jokes. I felt so embarrassed to say this, but I got insecure. I went to the bathroom and cried. The next day we all three went to the store to make dinner. You both started putting things in the basket in sync. I felt three steps behind you both. As if there was something I was missing. When did we discuss that these were the things we were getting and how did you both read each other's minds? I was visibly upset. I tried expressing my feelings about it without sounding crazy. Crazy for being upset that you’re good friends, crazy for being upset that you had memories I was not there for, and crazy for being upset in a way I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know what to call it. You both began comforting me and told me that you didn’t mean anything by it. Things were okay by the time we left the store. We had a really good night, cooking dinner and listening to a mixture of music and food cooking on the stove.

A few weeks later, we had our one month. I bought you these flowers perfectly put together. Blue cornflowers because blue was your favorite color, sunflowers because that was your favorite flower, and red roses. I made you a card telling you all the things I liked about you. I loved hearing you tell me things I never even knew about, I loved watching you draw and explain complex things using your art. I even loved listening to you talk hours about your favorite artist. We ate dinner that night enjoying our time together before I left on a trip with my family. It was the perfect night. 

When I went on vacation with my family, I excitedly finally told my sister about you. About us dating, exposing my queer identity. My sister was surprisingly supportive, making my heart grow 10 sizes. When I got back, you had gotten me a huge gift still celebrating our 1 month. It was a basket with a stuffed animal and little trinkets only a person who knew me would understand. I remember reading the card too. I couldn’t tell why, but all I could think was that your words didn’t say much about me as a person. You didn’t say why you liked me, but just all the things I would do for you. The way I would listen to you and be there for you no matter what. 

As I started meeting more and more of your friends, I began to feel as I’d something was very wrong. Your friends would give me these stares that made me feel as if I showed up to private school without a proper uniform, or if I had some spinach in my teeth. A lot of your friends were also people you met studying abroad. Some of the others were the homophobic people from abroad that would just hang around your friends. Maybe that’s what it was. They were just terrible people thinking terrible things about your relationship and queer identity. 

A few days later I remember you started to get distant. You would agree to hang out with me everyday for those next few days, but could barely look at me. You didn’t want to touch me either. A one eighty from our exciting passionate affection we had early on. A lack of care we used to have about PDA or always wanting to be physically affectionate. I always saw you on your phone sending messages to someone, but with me you took so long to respond or just wouldn’t. I remember talking to my best friend about it.I told her something off and I didn’t know what to do. She told me there was something in the air because she was thinking about breaking up with her girlfriend.

I was utterly shocked. That was the last thing I had ever expected from her. I felt uneasy thinking about  her telling me about the tears she shed thinking about how much she had loved her girlfriend a few months back compared to her casually mentioning this next move she had planned. There had to be something really wrong with reality. There were so many things that didn’t make a lot of sense to me. Except it did.

To be honest with everyone, there’s many obvious things that must be known. Before I met you, there was something I had known all too well. When you and my best friend got back from studying abroad, there was a switch in her. She had something she wasn’t telling me. She talked about you in a way that a person talks about someone they long for. Maybe it wasn’t right because she had a girlfriend, but I don’t know that I was right for choosing to ignore it. When me and you started dating I also secretly knew I’d never compare to her.  

In fact, there were many things out in the open about you too that I knew. Things that were obvious. Like how everyone saw you and her as a couple. Everyone knew you two had feelings for each other dating back months before we dated. This was right in front of me. My biggest fear had happened. A secret fear I never shared. My fear that you two had an unspoken desire for each other that was never said. An unspoken desire that was never able to be explored. Somehow I was the thing that got in the way. Everyone knew this and thought this. This is why they would stare at me and you with confusion or maybe a pity that I got caught up in this. 

I worked up the courage to confront you. I tried everything to get it out of you. I told you that something was wrong, that you had been off, that we had been off, and you should tell me if there’s something going on. I  gave you every chance to tell me and I could tell there were words behind your eyes that you were holding back. After pleading and begging to you I finally asked you the question. “Do you and her have feelings for each other?”. There was a pause that felt two years long marinated in fear with something I didn’t want to know on the other end of it. Finally she said “yes I do like her.”. There it was. Out loud I gave her all the pieces that she could either confirm or deny. Everyone around us knew, didn't they? They knew that there was something between you two. They knew that what you two had could never be replaced. That I would never be enough for you. That I would never be her. I had gotten in the way of what you two had really wanted, which was each other. You never liked me, not really. You like what I could give you, even if it would never compare to her. You could never tell me all the things you saw in me or admired about me. All the messages I had seen you sending all the times we were together  were to her, but I was too scared to admit it. Your mom even knew that things would crash and burn with her.

I still had to confront my best friend. Since she lives far from me I called her on the phone. I asked her the same exact question. The response I got? Identical to the one I had gotten just earlier from you. I told her that all the times she supported me and you were a lie. The times that she told me how much she loved her girlfriend were a lie. The times she told me about the crazy people in her program were also a lie. The thing is, when something is obvious to everyone else but you, you have to know that it’s simply not a rare case where the opposite is true. There is no “people are out to get me”. There is only two people in front of me who have had feelings for each other this whole time. There is only an obvious truth that I must look dead in the eye. It’s a case of two people that had feelings for each other that were obvious for everyone, but themselves and here I was the person that solved it for them. I had somehow played matchmaker for them through it all. This would be their story of two people meant to be with unspoken feelings