The Human Mind

Dilapidated buildings. Grey sky. Hopelessness. Fear. Anguish. 

Loneliness.

A desolate wasteland. As far as the eye could see…not a soul. The state of abandonment spoke of ancient life. 

Now, nothing. Anywhere.

So void of life that even the wind dared not breathe.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

My heartbeat. The only sound. 

Thump.

Thump.

Thump. 

I fell to my knees in dismay. This abandonment was expected, but the rate at which all decayed around me felt…swift. I thought there was more time. To prepare.

The sun. Sat ominous. Hovering above the peak of the mountain. Threatening. Threatening to dip down, never to be seen again. If the sun set.

Never. Would. It. Rise. Again.

Still on my knees, I cried out in agony. Everything. Falling apart. Nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing. Nothing to slow it down. I knew that I could not stop the setting sun. Once it set, my last breath would be drawn.

Then. Released.

Never would my eyes flutter open again. 

This void landscape. Was my mind. Outside, my world was vibrant, light, fun, exciting. However, it could not permeate the walls of my mind’s city. In that place, a world of depression. Anxiety. Anguish. Mistrust. Misery. Heart ached. Mind fragile. 

As my soul released all of the emotions felt into the still air around me, a rain fell. My eyes, the clouds. Screams. Hoping to reach anyone. Someone. Help me. Hands clutching the clothes above my heart. Tightly. Body shaking. With each agonizing scream, the sun dipped further. 

In the outside world. I appeared fine. I did not dare burden others with the state of my lonely heart and mind. Would anyone even help me if I did? Everyone. So wrapped up in themselves. They did not think to look outward. Signs. I gave them signs. I was not well.

Isolated. 

Apathetic. 

Miserable.

Silent.

Angry.

Distressed.

I didn’t outright say anything, but I’m sure the signs were there. I couldn’t have been acting normal while my world was falling apart. My heart ached to be heard. To receive help. Mistrust. Nested in my mind. Allowed no one entry. 

My eyes begged those around me for support and help. My voice could ask for no such thing. Everyone around me carried around as normal. Are they all so drawn to look inward? Look outward! Here I am, asking for help the best I can.

I, myself, looked inward again. Eyes. Drawn toward the sun. It had sunk further. My breath. Fast. Shallow. Eyes. Wide. Dismayed. Panic. Fear. Heart. 

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Fast. Nothing. Helping. Anxiety. Strong. What…could…I…do?

Nothing. Couldn’t do anything.

Breathe. Breathe. Struggling. Stars. Eyes. Darting madly. Help.

My attention snapped me back to physical reality. Friends gathered around.

Laughing.

One of them was laughing about something their boyfriend said. I sat. Panicking. Unable to breathe. Fighting internally for my life. 

When your mind is crumbling and fragile. Everything. Tears. The. City. Down. Nothing. Can hold it up. When it gets to the state mine was, nothing could be rebuilt. All that was left was to fight the setting sun. I. Was. Losing. 

Sun. Was. Setting. Quickly.

I excused myself, said I was feeling under the weather. No one batted an eye. Said they’d miss me. Get better. How could they not see?

I walked away, feet carrying me quickly. Heart pounding. Eyes watering. Whole body twitching. I did not want to be here anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore. The drive home. Intense. Swerve. Swerve. Eyeing the barrier. Testing speed. 

Home. 

Don’t know why I worked so hard to get home. The sun was almost set in my mind. The car would have been the perfect place to set it entirely. 

Darkness. I sat on the edge of my bed. Stared at nothing. Empty. All intense feelings, gone. Empty. Nothing. Left. To. Feel. Eyes void. Heart empty. Mind telling me to leave. The sun was almost gone. 

KNOCK KNOCK.

Glance. Door shut. Opened. Mother. 

Words. Sounded like TV static. I stared. She cried. Knelt down in front of me, sobbing while holding my hands. My mind would not comprehend much, but something was clear. She was holding up the sun that was trying so desperately to set. She begged me to open up, express what was wrong. 

Silence. I felt my face. Tears. Streaming. When did this happen? I looked at my mother. She. Cared? About. Me?

Emotions. Poured. I sobbed. I told her everything. I shared my thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. The abandoned state of my mind. The lifeless world I lived in. Poured everything out, on a platter. My mind. Screaming. Nobody. Cares. About. Me. Looked at my mother. She seemed to care. Told me she should have done better. Should have seen sooner. She apologized. Asked me how to help. How. To. Help. I. Don’t. Know. Never thought I would make it that far. 

She cried with me, holding me tight. Begged me. Made me promise. 

“Do not go anywhere. Lean. Lean on me.”

I nodded vigorously. Looked inward. The sun was higher in the sky. Looked outward. One person. One person cared about me. That would do. That’s all that mattered. One person looked outside themselves and saw me. Saw the signs. I felt something stir within me. 

Healing.

Optimism.

Perseverance.

Empowerment.

With her help. I could rebuild. It would take time. But. Someone cared. Someone was willing to listen. Someone was not selfish. Would I be a burden? Was help not a good idea? I peered into my mother’s eyes and saw love and sadness pouring out. I decided. It did not matter. She loved me. She wanted to help. I would let her, however. I had to help myself. I could not. Would not. Rely on her to solve my problems. She was to support me. That was all. I would not use her. 

I stared out at the landscape in my head. I turned and walked away from the ruins. I was right though. I couldn't rebuild. I would build something different. Stronger.

A single weed sprouted where I had been standing. A weed. It was life nonetheless. 

Hope.