A Journey to belief

I find it hard to believe that I am loved now. I just can’t accept that it’s true. I’ve lost the belief of anyone being able to love me. My mother? No. My father? No. My brother? No. My boyfriend? No. I don’t feel lovable anymore. No matter how many people show me sorts of affection.

“Nat? Did you hear me? I love you” He’s staring at me, his tough hands resting on my shoulders, as if attempting to pull me together, waiting for a response to sliver out of my mouth. Waiting for an “I love you too”. But I’m slipping out of reality. Slipping into my deeper thoughts.

He doesn’t understand that as a kid, I loved hugs, and I loved showing affection, but now it’s just weird to me. It feels out of the normal to me. Unnatural. I don’t feel like I deserve it. - but how do I tell him this? 

I’ve been with Nathan for nearly a year now. He’s made me feel nothing but butterflies, and when he’s around me, it’s as if a huge weight is taken off of my shoulders - not even; my soul. So things are going well with him. I’ve been dreading this situation though. I’ve been afraid of the word “love” slipping out of his mouth. I always find myself in this same situation. When people I love tell me they love me, I can’t really believe it. I want to be happy about it because that’s all I ever want to hear from them. Scratch that, it’s all I want to hear from Nathan. I want to marry Nathan at one point, and at the end of the day, all I want is his love and affection. It’s all I want—affection. But when I get it, I don’t know how to react. 

My eyes start to burn, they’re turning red. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t let him see the effect that such a silly word has on me. A word that people use without true meaning. “Hey, Nat - it’s okay, I mean it, I really do”. I’m sweating. My entire body is beginning to burn up, all I want to do is run away and never see him again. I want to lock myself in my room, throw my soundproof headphones on, and just sit through the pain I’ve had to learn to manage, never leaving the tiny bubble of comfort that music provides me.

I’m drowning in my own frustration from keeping everything in. From not telling anyone what’s wrong. Writing everything has turned into my only way, but he can’t know this. If Nathan finds out, he’ll understandably freak. He most probably won’t understand why I’m having this reaction in the first place, and I wish I could tell him. But the key to the safe of my secrets is long gone, and I fear that there is no way of making a replacement key, to finally be able to open up about the past. 

It hurts so much hearing that someone loves you, but not being able to feel it’s reality; it’s true meaning. A word like love means so much, it’s thrown around a lot in different convos, but I know that it’s impact is real right now. I know he really means it. I want to tell him that I wish I believed him, that I trust his words. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy again so badly. I’m craving it. But I can’t feel anything anymore. I can’t believe someone as amazing as him can love someone like me. Someone so utterly lost. Nathan's soul, on the other hand, is so pure, so caring, so strong, and mine is crumbling, and pretty much lost. Whenever anything negative happens to me, I feel like I deserve it all. I feel like I deserve everything that comes my way. All the negatives. And I wish I could speak up and say the reason why. Say what happened in my dark past.

Every now and then my mind shows me things I had forgotten about. Things it was trying to erase. I feel as if I’ve lost everything I once had as a kid. I feel helpless. The little girl in me is shattered, and Nathan has been doing nothing but building her back up, he’s been giving her a little more confidence and hope in this dark dark world. 

I guess I must be crying now, since he pulls me closer to his chest, and gives me soft kisses on the top of my head. “You’re so beautiful, so precious.” am I? “You’re so strong, I’m sorry you’ve been treated badly. You deserve so much better” do I? My thoughts are running marathons telling me all he’s saying is not true, that he’s going to leave, that it’s all a huge facade. And I’m falling for it. But it makes me feel weak. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling that I rather everything collapse. I rather it all be a sick joke; no matter the hurt it will cause me. No matter the permanent damage. 

“I don’t deserve you” I manage to say with sniffles in between. “I know you do, I just wish you knew how much I love you back.” Here’s the thing, I know he loves me, but I just can’t believe it. The feeling of him loving me just isn’t there. And in a way, I’m glad it’s not. It’s scary feeling things you’ve never been able to feel before, coming from who was once a complete stranger.

I hold so many questions which I fear I will never get the answer to. In reality, I was brainwashed. Why do I feel this way? Is it because of something I’ve done? Or is it because of something she’s done? I’m back to being scared, and heartbroken, and I’m losing hope. And all I can think and repeat to myself is:

“I no longer feel.” I can’t feel or understand it. 

Not for a large quantity of time.