For Real This Time

“Hey, calm down, sweetie. Come on, quit tossing, I just got those covers straight. What’s wrong?”

“You didn’t check ev’rywhere.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Your eyes were closed but I checked under the bed right after I tucked you in. There’s no monster there tonight.”

“What ‘bout the closet? Behind the clothes? Som’ting might be hidin’ in my shoes.”

“Nothing is in your shoes. Anything in them would be too small to worry about.”

“What if it c’n grow?”

“Listen, it’s been a long day for both of us. Just go to sleep. If there were any monsters in your closet, they left when we got home.”

“How d’you know?”

“That’s just how it works. When I bought this house I set up a no-monsters-allowed rule. I told that to every monster in the world, so they all have to stay away. My house, my rules.”

“That’s all it takes?”

“That’s all it takes.”

“And you’re sure it works?”

“Completely sure, sweetie. Why is this so important for you tonight?” 

“I thought I heard som’tin when we came in.”

“I didn’t hear anything.”

“Just list’n.”

“Huh, you’re right. What is that? It’s almost like a … hissing? A pipe?”

“Breathing! The boogeyman! He’s really there this time! In the closet!”

“That’s ridiculous. I told you I made a rule. There’s nothing there.”

“You shouldn’t lie to your children.”

“Oh my God.”

“You especially shouldn’t lie to them when they’re so scared.”

“Who are you?”

“Weren’t you listening? I’m the boogeyman.”  

“Get out of my house!”

“Well look at that, I’m still here. I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere until I get what I want.”

“Hey, he said leave, that means you gotta.”

“Nope. Doesn’t work that way.”

“What do you want?”

“I just want to run off with a few things. A few valuable things.”

“OK. Take them and go.”

“Oh, you can do better than that. You can do way better.”

“I won’t try to stop you. Just don’t hurt us.” 

“But now I want you to stop me. Come on, show your kid you can keep them safe.”

“Dad’s not ‘fraid of you. He checks for monsters like you ev’ry night.”

“But has he ever seen one? Does he have a plan in case one ever really shows up?”

“Look, I’m just going to sit here and not move, all right? You can take anything in the house you want and neither of us will stop you. Just please, don’t come back in this room.”

“Whatever.”

“Dad, what’re you doing? Get off of me, I don’t want a hug! Why didn’t you tell it to go away? It’s still in the house, I c’n hear it, what’s it doing?”

“I don’t want to tell you this. You’re not old enough to hear it, but just because I’m around doesn’t mean you’re safe. You’re going to be in trouble from time to time, and I won’t always know how to take care of it. Sometimes the best I can offer is a promise that we’ll get hurt together.”

“Fine, I’ll make it go away mys’lf.”

“No, come back!”

“Hey, let go.”

“Be safe. That’s the important thing. We need to be safe. We’re going to stay in this room, because we’re safe here.”

“Dad, it’s getting louder. We gotta do something.”

“I don’t care what’s going on out there. I told you to stay here. Do what I say.”

“You can’t tell me whatta do. You didn’t tell the boogeyman whatta do.”

“I can tell you what to do.”

“Ow, not so hard.”

“Look, I lied, I never set up a no-monster policy. I can’t keep intruders out of our house. Whether they’re the boogeyman or some random creep, I’m not strong enough to stop them or tell them to leave. But I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep you safe. If that means holding you still, fine with me.”

“Didn’t you hear that? It was a crash. The boogeyman’s breakin’ our stuff!”

“I don’t care. We can get more stuff later.”

“What about the other noise? The weird one?”

“I don’t care what that noise is, and I’m not letting you get up to find out.”

“But I’m scared.”

“So am I. That’s all I have to offer you right now. We’re scared together. We’re going to stay in this room, scared, together.”

“Wow, you weren’t kidding. You really did just sit there and didn’t try to stop me while I did whatever I wanted.”  

“Go away go away go awaaaaay.”

“You almost sat still anyway. Pinning down a little kid. Oh, what a big man you are.”

“Do you have what you came for yet?”

“Almost. You have some nice stuff. I can’t fit everything I want in my pockets.”

“We didn’t stop you, just like I promised. We’re still not stopping you. Finish up whatever it is you came here to do and leave us alone.”

“You don’t even know what I’m here to do. Once you find out where this is going you might wish that you made more of an effort to stop me.”

“Don’t take one step closer.”

“We’ve been through this, you can’t tell me what to do.”

“You stink and you ugly.”

“Cute kid. Hey, if you think I’m ugly now, just wait until you find out what I have in store for both of you.”

“How can you take so much pleasure in frightening a child?”

“Two kids by my count. Look at you, crawling on the floor. You might as well be hiding under the bed. Not that hiding there would help. I’ve got friends who call places like that home.”

“Drop the boogeyman act.”

“But it’s not an act, I’m serious. You think I’m not? Let me prove it. Get up. Come on, come at me, I’m begging you.”

“Do it, dad.”

“Yeah, do it. Last chance. Stand up now or sit still while I take my sweet time.”

“C’mon dad, c’mon c’mon c’mon.”

“AAAGH!”