I wasn’t looking for anyone new. I promise. I was trying, so hard, to be a good wife. Trying to do what I had never done… be faithful. Trying to live up to the promise I had made, not only to myself, but to my husband. I tried. I really did.
After being separated for nearly ten years by circumstances, I came home. There my husband was, waiting for me, faithful and true. If he had strayed, I would not have ever blamed him. How could I? I wasn’t a saint. I wasn’t the good and faithful wife I had promised I would be. But he hadn’t, and I commend him on so many levels. He is such a good man, and yet…
The first three months were passionate, a rekindling of the flame that burned between us. And then, life set in. Routines became routine, and work (when I finally found it) took hold in such a way that I was more away than I was home.
I transferred into a position of greater authority, which meant that I transferred stores. At my new location, I made new friends, and gained the trust and respect of those who worked around me. One day, a gentleman came in to get what I soon learned was his preferred meal. The banter started, the bad puns and geeky references. I felt as if I had met a kindred spirit.
Over the next several months, while I didn’t remark on the fact, I found that he frequently took his breaks when I did, and we began to have longer, more involved, more interesting conversations. I found myself looking forward to seeing him, and getting the best hugs. He was great for hugs.
He always listened so attentively, and gave thoughtful feedback, while understanding what I was saying. Yes, a few suggestions were made, but I rebuffed them gently, laughingly, hiding behind my wedding ring and my son. The seed was planted, but I was religiously not watering it.
Circumstances once more interfered, and I was forced to return to my old store. I sadly said goodbye to my friends, fully not expecting to see or hear from them again. Maybe on the odd return to that store for shopping, but not to actually connect with them in any way other than through passing.
I found that seemingly randomly, he would show up at my original workplace. Just passing through, in the area, thought I would see how you were doing type thing. I was always excited to see him, and I would yet again get the most amazing hugs.
About a year later, I strayed. Not to this knight in tarnished armor, but to another gentleman who had caught my fancy, and given me a taste of true appreciation. But that taste soon soured, and I was not happy with my failure.
My knight stopped by, randomly once more, and he gave me a hug in parting. The hug was his normal hug, but it meant so much more to me. It felt… right. It felt like the connection that had slowly been building had finally solidified.
I waited a couple days, then used his phone number, which I had had this entire time, yet never attempted to use. I sent him a text message, and the response was incredibly immediate. We made plans for him to come see me again.
And while that may seem like it was the beginning of the end, in reality, it was the beginning of the future. The future that I want so desperately.
He came to see me. He gave me a hug. I asked him to park around back of the business. I met him back there, and we hugged again.
The impulse took over. It was a test, both of myself and of him. It was, for me, the ultimate test.
I bit his neck, while being hugged so intensely.
I bit him. Just a little nip. This was the telling moment.
If he had shied away, or worse, clamped his hand over his neck, I would have known that I had misread everything.
He didn’t. His eyes widened. Shock? Fear? Confusion?
He pulled me to him and kissed me. Full on, on the mouth, teeth and tongues clashing. It was intense. It was phenomenal. It was mind-blowing and life changing. Earth-shattering. We couldn’t get enough air, yet we couldn’t stop. Time completely ceased to have meaning as his hands secured my face to his, and we feasted on each other as if it was the finest delicacy about to be snatched away forever.
Saved by the bell! The bell for my store went off, and I reluctantly pulled away. I ran inside, quickly took care of the customer, and ran right back outside.
He had waited! We came together again, and again, could not stop, yet could not help but marvel at each other. Why had I waited so long? Why had I pushed him so far, yet not given in? Why had he waited so long for me? I knew who and what I was.
I was married. I was a workaholic. I was … so wrong for doing this, and yet, it felt like all the pieces in the universe had finally fell perfectly in place. I felt whole, complete, for the first time in my entire life.
There was, and still is, a small niggling of guilt that writhes in the back of my mind. I ignore it. It doesn’t actually exist when I am in his arms, or even just in his presence.
He is my perfect complement. We talk… FOR HOURS. We cover such wild and crazy subjects, and he actually keeps up with my tangents. He is attentive, and considerate. He is passionate, and demanding and giving all at the same time. He is chivalrous, yet allows me my independence. He respects me, which is more than I can say about myself.
He is… perfection. He is the other half of my soul, that which had been missing for so very long.
The plans we make… unfortunately all hinge on one event yet to happen.
As I mentioned, I also have a son, who is a pre-teen, and special. My knight has no desire for children, yet he will accept that I have three. Two are grown, and one he has met. My third is still in middle school. And therefore still lives with me, and his father, my husband.
My husband. He is a good man, as men go, for the most part. True, he spends more time at home than he does working. True, he drinks, but at least he is not a violent drunk. Also true, he loves me, and is insanely jealous over me. Long before I began this road I tried so hard not to run down again, he accused me of cheating on him. I wasn’t, at the time. I had no intention to.
But how long do you suffer the accusations before you decide to be guilty of what you are being accused of?
At this point, I live two lives. I live them well, and fully, no matter which home I am at. If I am with my husband, I am all in, until I leave the room. When I leave the room, my thoughts run to my knight in tarnished armor.
When I am with my knight, I barely have time to think, because the passion runs so high.
And so, I live two lives, and wait for that unfortunate circumstance which will make it possible to be with the other half of my soul. I wait…