A RETREAT

A RETREAT

She went out back for a little bit to clean up around the strawberry plants because they are just now, turning green.

She thinks.

When she stepped out into the sunshine it burned her eyes and blinded her for a quick moment…

I’m not sick of it. I’m, tired of it. I’m tired of me. I’m tired of what surrounds me. So I did what I thought would help. Lol. I took a nap. For tomorrow will be a different day.

Because today is going to start early. They have a Yoga class that begins at 9am sharp. She missed Thursday.

She’s not going to miss Saturday.

It’s supposed to rain.

It’s raining now.

So much better than the snow.

Amy wants to see Rod and Marcia today.

So, sorry.

Marcia’s brother died. He had a massive heart attack. That’s about all I know except that it may have been a stroke. He was here one moment...

Gone the next. I hope Marcia is doing okay. I don’t know what’s up yet. I do know, is that I want to go to the Y this morning. Lol. To get out of the house to breathe some new and different air. And to walk of course.

Will Jason do it?

That is the question…

3:56AM.

She woke up earlier to 333 on her phone. It was freezing cold, so she turned up the heater as she ran into the bathroom. When she walked out she looked for Diamond. She wasn’t in bed with her, and she rarely sleeps with Logan.

She felt well rested. And then came here to sit.

And then she realized that it is too hot, in the trailer.

Circles…

Last night was a nice break for everyone. The really special part was, was that when Marcia came in, she was carrying a toddler. And then out from behind Marcia, pops Courtney. She came home with baby Liam for her uncles funeral. Bittersweet. But it was super relaxed.

We played games. We ate. And we visited.

Marcia is doing ok. But omg, does she look tired.

She is tired.

She should be tired.

She’s been in a whirly wind tunnel for the past week and a half.

Good morning. It’s almost daylight out. The outside lights turned off a couple of hours ago, now she just waiting for natures light to show her the day. She can hear it. She just can’t see it.

Rain, rain, rain…

A good day for Jason and Logan to go and play some basketball. Maybe. Amy may or may not feel like exercising later on. We’ll just wait and see. Lol. Wait, wait, wait…

7:22 AM.

Not a creature is stirring.

Easy dinner tonight. Crock pot corned beef. Simple.

Trevor and Justine might come over.

Today is a lazy day so far. That I’m sure is because of the rain. It’s supposed to stop during the mid-afternoon.

Maybe it will dry out enough for Logan to work on his bike hopefully.

Lol.

No hurry. It’s not going to be warm again for a while anyway.

Fuck.

Every all is up. Including, the animals. Nala is looking out the window and Diamond is sitting on the floor waiting patiently for Logan to open up his door.

She wants in.

Well…

They went to go work on Logan’s bike. Hopefully.

Logan needs to stop being a FUCKING PESSIMIST!

Whoop!

They’re gone.

Time to get out the negative energy, diffuser-cleaner.

I have a rum-bly in my tum-bly. It is now going on five hours of the cooking of the corned beef. And because of that, I have been smelling the corned beef for five hours. Wow. Yummy. It feels about ten hours later than it actually is and Amy has yet to eat. She’s hungry.

The weather was nice until late last night. A cold front swept through. It’s in the forties today. But it is supposed to be in the seventies tomorrow. Whatever. Hot-cold. Hot-cold.

It’s not a day to go outside.

But it is a good day to go to the Y.

Maybe.

She has some energy to burn off. It’s not bad energy.

She just has too much, energy.

She can’t sleep. She can’t stay awake. She’s not sad. She’s not happy either. She doesn’t know. She wishes that she did it different. Hind sight is 20-20. Her choices, her decisions, her plans…Is it all for nothing?

What a waste.

Nobody will know.

Accept it.

I wish I never did it.

But then what?

Seriously...

What??

NO-TH-ING.

Ugh…

It is a bright and sunny day today. Twelve noon, exactly. Sixty-eight, for a high. Cloudy. She can’t wait for the warm weather. She just wants to be outside and clean up the garden. Design the rocks and bricks. Plan where to put her sunflowers. Whoop! Today isn’t the day for, that. Today is the day to…

Listen to Nala meow at the door.

In…

Out.

If I ignore her, maybe she’ll stop.

La, la, la…

Today is a day to go out for soup. We have soup at home. But. But it would taste better some place away from the kitchen. She’s been in there quite a bit doing some spring cleaning. She hasn’t been outside yet. Soon. When Logan gets home, he’s going to pull out the bike and go riding for a little bit. He is going to meet us at the Y and play some basketball with Dad. While Amy walks.

She had a, good walk. Her fastest walk yet. She did a mile and a half in under, thirty-five minutes. Good for her. She could possibly almost trot, a little. If, she would let go of the handle bars. Sitting here thinking…

…she can’t remember what it feels like to run.

She remembers not being able, to breathe. She doesn’t remember moving her feet with a quick forward motion.

Or backwards.

Maybe someday.

I’m starting to understand my disability almost every day. Things I never realized before. Things that I thought, were “normal.” Example: My balance. I got used to it. I haven’t felt any difference, until now. Crooked is her normal.

My dizzy spells…

Gone.

My right, arm. My fingers. My shoulder. My choking. The gagging and not being able to breathe.

Years.

My voice.

I do, have a voice.

Roar…

Lol.

My central nervous system.

My nerves…

My neck!

Fuck.

I was hurt.

I was stunted.

Little boy blue and the man on the moon…

Karma.

It’s a real thing. I can see it through prior thoughts. Prior actions.

Prior…

Feelings.

Everything happens for a reason.

I MISS MY MOM!!!

Why???

I need comfort.

I need love.

I need to be, heard.

I need honesty.

I need help.

I need to go back to bed at some point tonight. Or this morning. It is 1:56 am. I’ve been up since about eleven.

When it was still Wednesday. Right now, it is Thursday and I’m freezing cold. Jason is getting up soon so that makes time to pee and get socks. Turn up the heater.

Lol.

Looking at the weather, it looks like some snow, showers at around noon today. Will this never end? It’s almost April. Tomorrow it will be hot.

Probably.

She’s hungry.

Nothing some peanut butter on raisin bread won’t fix.

2:56AM.

She did go back to bed at some point. I think today will be the day when Amy switches sides of the bed with Jason. She need to be on the side of the bathroom. Closer, is quicker. Plus she needs a bit of a change.

A different, point of view. It is just that it is a lot of work.

But…

Jason can help maybe.

I don’t know what to do. I do have a choice. I always have a choice.

Freedom…

Cut the cord.

It’s a little bit funny. This, feeling inside.

It’s been two and a half years.

I think it’s…

ABOUT THE FUCK TIME!

Gail Maxwell left me a friend request on this, Facebook thing. I un-friended her earlier after our last, and pretty much our only, conversation. This is my mother’s friend/foe. I just don’t get this Facebook shit. I don’t like it. I need to understand it. I want to know all about it. Buzz-buzz. Tweet-tweet. But I need to know it, if I want to keep learning it.

So be it…

I now have four, whole friends.

Marcia’s family looks beautiful. I wonder why Gail wants to stay near to me. She’s too old. And she really hurt my feelings the last time that we spoke.

Negative waves man…

I don’t need it. Nor want it.

What I do want is to have a conversation with my son. Just, him. Nobody else.

How is that going to work??

We’ll see.

Lady Madonna...

Listen to the music playing in your head.

When Jason and Amy got home from their Yoga class with Ava, Jason thanked her for making him go to this class. He says it makes him feel real good. Stretching, and working on his muscles. And that he is glad that he is doing this. So is Amy. For both their sakes. She loves it. When the summer gets closer, she will take another class that they offer on Wednesday nights. The only reason she doesn’t go now is that it is too dark to drive. A simple drive. But…

Pitch, black.

Nope.

It’s cold.

5:17 AM. Amy is sitting here not wanting to get up to turn the heater on. It gets too hot in Logan’s room. So that means it too cold for Amy in the dining room. A viscous cycle.

Today is Saturday. Shit weather all weekend. The forties and rain. It would be nice not to go anywhere/ But. But we should go and see Rod.

We may not also.

He is sore, I’m sure.

Uncomfortable.

Well…

We went. And then we went to Trevor and Justines house for dinner. After they got home Jason helped Amy with some Facebook profile page.

Soon they were both asleep. It was early for Amy. The Y has taken energy from them. They both, love going. This is Amy’s new escape. Her new drug, so to speak. Jason likes it too. He likes to play basketball.

Can’t do that at Carter’s.

As a matter of fact…

There’s a lot, there that we couldn’t do at Carter’s.

Amy went down early. She was up before midnight. Barely. 11:58PM. Lol. The start of a new day.

12:01AM.

Good morning!

Hey.

You.

What do you see?

The beautiful people.

White toast with honey, is real good at 1:08 in the morning.

Words can’t bring you down.

But sleep can.

She was down until after Logan left for work. She heard him leave. She thought it was Jason. When she walked out into the kitchen, she saw the time and tried to put herself back into reality.

She wasn’t quite awake yet.

When she did awake, she couldn’t find her phone. Typical.

Speaking of…

Amy is sitting in dining room.

Logan is in his room on the computer, and Jasom is in the living room in front of the TV.

Every fucking day.

And today…

Amy s pissed about it.

All I want him to do is read the book. There are other reasons besides that he should own a few things.

Which will never happen.

Why try?

Because I have absolutely nothing else.

Example…

I weighed myself today.

Fully dressed.

129.

She’s okay with that. She’d be better with it if it was a heathy weight. Good food. Good, habits.

Her physical habits are definitely good. It’s the eating, heathy, she is not so good at.

Fyi…

Another argument ensued. Logan wouldn’t come ot of his room. Amy was pissed. And, oh. Jason was watching TV. Need I say more…

Nope.

Do you see us down here?

Oh Lord…

Aaron called today. I never called him back. We were on our way out when he called, so it was a short conversation. I told him that I would call him, but I got completely sidetracked. Lol. She fell asleep.

Previously…

They took a ride to the Chelsea Cemetery to take Linda’s wreath down that we took up there for Christmas. Freshen it up a bit before the summer season. I know…that’s Mike’s job. But. He’s busy. It needed to be done. Anyway, after that was completed, we had to drive into Ann Arbor to go to the Verizon store. Get ready to pack a lunch.

We were there to get phone stuff. We walked out 90 minutes later with two new screen protectors, and a new internet service that is going to save us a little money.

So they say.

They took a long ride home through Dexter so that they could stop at A&W to get a root beer. The last thing Amy remembers is coming home to take a nap. That is why she hasn’t called Aaron back. Right now they are only two hours behind, but it will have to wait till tomorrow. She’s busy.

It’s 11:04 PM.

There is a guy I know.

His name is Domino.

Domino-Domino.

Jeff is coming over at some point tomorrow. Shari may or may not come with. I doubt it. Jeff wants to talk to Jason about something. Who knows what it could be. Maybe something about his properties either in Michigan, or in Florida. Who knows…

Into the great white open.

What happened to the girl who taught him some chords?? They made a record. Who’s they?

The, girl?

His, agent?

Or his roadie named Bart?

Jason is up for work. Amy’s been up. That’s what happens when she takes a nap. She will just force herself awake today. lol. It’s 3:15 Am. One, two…sixteen more hours on 1.5 hours of sleep. She doesn’t want to do that. Not, good. But today is a new day. It’s a, Sunday. Day three of yoga.

In four days.

Her body is tired, and sore. This yoga stuff is working wonders.

Example:

Sunday Amy was at her Yoga retreat. Totally, away from her comfort zone.

But she did it anyway. Maybe because it was out of her comfort zone.

Growth…

What a day that was. Very calm. And very, cold. The yoga room was freezing. If it wasn’t so cold Amy could have fallen asleep. She’s glad she took a hooded sweatshirt. Because they also did forty-five minutes of a, gong-type meditation. It was in a huge dance-type room, that was surrounded by mirror’s. Bong. Gong…

.…onggg.

The finale was having a wonderful light lunch after the women got their nails painted. Purple was the color she chose. We made vision boards, and got some little stickers inserted into her ear. Yep. They also had a little acupuncture going on.

And bath salts! We made our own bath soaks for after the retreat.

Purple…

Purple was the color she chose for her fingers.

And Monday was just a blur…

Oh.

Exercise and grocery shop.

Payday.

Speaking of…

We are doing our taxes today.

Another big expense that we had to wait until payday for.

For the past couple of years Jason did them. But last year with the social security debacle, he isn’t so sure anymore. Understandable. Not, fun.

Jason said it could take hours because of some issues.

Always an issue.

I doubt it will take that long.

But…

Hours?

.

We went to the same lady we saw for years before Jason started doing our own. We have owed money for the years Jason was doing it. He wasn’t completely, confident. This was also a check-up if you say.

To make sure he’s not missing anything.

Well, he wasn’t missing anything. And we still owe the federal government money. That, peace of mind, was two hundred dollars. But it will bring balance when we get our state, back. We so were hoping Jason might have missed a write-ff or two.

In and out at the very most, thirty. Onto 2025.

Trevor stopped by to borrow a stick of butter, and to pick up some mail he has coming here. Still. It’s amazing how in such a short time, Trevor turned into a responsible adult.

Boyfriend.

Soon to be a father, and soon to start classes at Washtenaw Community College. Full time employee, new homeowner. A step-dad. I don’t what else to call him. All of this in under a year. Good for him. And Justine is now starting a job and school. WTF? To be young again.

Lol.

Nope.

8:19 PM.

Jason just got into bed. Under duress and not happy. Whatever. He emailed himself Circles. He wont go back. I know that. That has been a feeling in her bones since she started this. Not that asking a zillion times will help either. She’s done.

It’s tiresome.

But.

But we all know the alternative.

There isn’t one.

Cardinals are neat looking birds.

They are also a loud squeaky, bird.

Squeak…

Squeak…

Omg!

Squawk!!!

Little, but big alarm clocks. Snapped her right out it.

For Amy has a Yoga class at 9AM sharp.

To be continued…