Seeing You

You can feel it in yourself when something begins to change. Whether it’s growth, or change, or new emotions. Often the cause is love. The desire to understand someone else and be understood by someone else. The desire to be seen and accepted wholly. Love, desire, awakens something in us that we often are unaware even exists. Unaware it exists, and unaware that it changes us. Slowly and unconsciously affecting our behaviors. Making us conscious of small little details otherwise insignificant. Making us conscious of our loneliness and desire to love and be love. Making us conscious of just how much time can be spent thinking about another person. You can feel it between each other when something is beginning to change, when love is starting to form, desire and tension palpable between you. You can’t, however, feel how strong and fast and potentially dangerously it can develop. You can’t see the love and tension and desire morphing into something else. You can’t see it in the present, as you’re living it. But another You can. Another You that sees. And when it comes to love, this You that Sees always tries to warn you. A Seeing You from an alternative reality where one different move, or different step, or different conversation, or different decision led to you not falling so deeply in love that you ignore yourself and continue to blindly follow love. You continue to hurt yourself to make the other happy. You continue to hurt yourself because despite the hurt, you’re happy when they’re happy. You’re happy when you’re together.

I regularly go clubbing, and regularly went clubbing with the one I loved, so naturally My Seeing You came to warn me one night when I was clubbing. It wasn’t a planned outing like usual. Despite it being one of the club’s big party nights with a hard door we were dressed casually, both just wearing black shorts and me a black sports bra to go with it. Our other friends were dressed casually as well. We were relaxed, just hanging out, and having fun without stress. It was the early days of a new dynamic in our friendship, what felt like a developing relationship. It felt like that to me at least, until he kept insisting on finding a female partner for a threesome. I never had a threesome with another girl in fear of getting neglected, but I went along with the idea up until now. I told myself that that wouldn’t happen, or that it would be fine, and sometimes actually thought that it could be hot and fun and it’s time to get over myself and try something new. But something about hearing it in the taxi with our friends made me feel small. As if I wasn’t enough on my own. Or as if I was just a fun story. A passing moment. A filler love.

I finally said something, but not too seriously, not knowing how to balance our playful friendship and my emotions bubbling over. Almost as soon as we entered the club we all split up naturally from the crowd inside. It was our first time going to this particular club together, the structure like a maze and certain passages dense with people tripping in all directions. We split in the bathroom corridor when I found some friends and he was too overwhelmed by the crowd and left, deciding to explore the party alone. I acted as if I didn’t care if he left, but I just wasn’t sure how to keep a straight face after finally saying that I didn’t want a threesome. How to face him knowing that I indirectly revealed my deeper feelings. Revealed my jealousy. My insecurity. 

At some point I lost track of my friends as well. This always happens, everyone splitting off eventually to other dance floors, getting absorbed in conversations in hallways, or just getting lost in yourself and not caring about your environment or what’s going on anymore. This always happens at some point, and we always find each other again, texting to meet up at some point. I was wandering around deciding what to do with myself when I felt a presence approaching me directly. I focused in and realized that it was Me. Looking at my exact mirror. Except she was slightly different. Her energy was different. Instead of wearing all black like me with white hair, she was wearing all pastel pink and had pink hair. Her energy was lighter than mine, an energy I recognize because mine used to be the same. 

“Fucking hell,” I laughed automatically, “What’s this?” 

Despite the shock, I couldn’t deny that I was looking at myself. I was intrigued and curious more than scared. 

“I’m You from another timeline when you’re completely single.”

“I am single,” I responded with a bit of edge.

She gave me a look, “You’re single only in name because the two of you are both too chicken to admit your real feelings and how deep they actually run. Relationship wise you’re basically married, but without any label or emotional stability and reassurance.”

This made me start to walk away. “It’s fine,” I said curtly.

“No, it’s not fine,” she followed me. “You’re just hurting yourself. Your energy is depleting. Look at yourself then look at me. Didn’t you want to be carefree? Run around not giving a fuck? Staying unbothered by others’ opinions?”

“I am unbothered.”

“No you aren’t. You are the very definition of bothered. Bothered by love. Bothered when his attention isn’t on you. Bothered that you guys aren’t officially together. Bothered he doesn’t just make you fully his. Bothered that he isn’t fully yours. And because of this, you keep thinking about why it isn’t so. Why you aren’t together. At first you understood, or could accept, or reason, or delude, or think whatever and still be fine. But it’s starting to affect how you see yourself now. It’s negatively impacting your relationship with yourself and with your friends.”

This made me silent, the loud music disappearing for a moment. She was right. My self confidence was dwindling, my happy glow dimming because more and more instead of thinking ‘this just isn’t our time’ or ‘it’s nothing personal against you’ I started thinking ‘why not me?’. 

“Ok, fine, I’m bothered. I’ll get over it. Is that what you came here to tell me?”

“No, I came to warn you. You say that you’ll ‘get over it’ but it isn’t that simple. If you continue staying with him you’ll never get over him.”

“I’m a big girl. I got a bit too into it, I get it, thanks for the warning.” I said and started walking away again.

“No you won’t!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me back, keeping me in place. “You love him too much, you know this. You’ll only get more and more hurt if you continue like this. You’re too inexperienced. You’re too naive. You’ll tell him everything about yourself to try to make him understand more, see you more. Desires and emotions you usually keep to yourself. You’re letting your guard down too much, to the point where it’s almost nonexistent. You’re too vulnerable.”

“I’m okay being vulnerable with him though. He won’t hurt me. Even if he doesn’t love me the same way, he would never hurt me.”

“I’m here to warn you because he will. You need to detach yourself before you get hurt.”

What she was saying made sense, but I didn’t want to hear it. I ran away so that she wouldn’t be able to grab me and pull me back. I ran through the club without looking back in fear that she was following. When I wasn’t sure where to go or when to stop I ran into him, to one I loved, the one I was being warned against. I ran right into his arms and hugged him tight.

“Where have you been?” I asked desperately, hugging him tightly in fear of losing him.

He squeezed me back, engulfing me in his arms. “I’m right here.”

We were wrapped around each other for the rest of the night.