Going Through The Darkest Sunshine

Going Through The Darkest Sunshine

08. August 2017 - Tuesday

My dear diary,

Sometimes I feel you are my one and only true friend in my life. You listen patiently when I struggle, when I am happy or even go on rants. I never feel judged by you and you never make me feel bad. I swear sometimes I even get the feeling you sending me signs when I go about my day. When I just wrote down something and no one but you knows about it, sometimes I will come across it wherever I am! I want to believe you have a special bond with God and somehow me writing things down feels like a direct communication line to him.

Do you remember when I got worried last month because I was so physically in pain after work and I kept wondering what the hell that is about? Well, very shortly after I got my groceries or as much as I could with just 8,- euros. I walked between the aisles and there was this guy standing in front of the bakery goods and he looked around like he is looking for someone and there was just me and him. Honestly that moment I didn’t think anything of it, but the moment he saw me he turned around looking at the freshly baked buns and moved his hand with his index finger straight to a certain point on his upper back and held it there for a couple of seconds, not scratching his back but just pointing to it. And I moved on and walked off. But I tell you. That was a little strange. I brushed it off as weird and that’s it.

A few days later the Doctors told me that my job as sewer is not the most ideal job for me with my Scolioses and I should consider a job were I can move around a bit more. Sitting all day in pretty much one position isn’t that great. So, he ordered me to take on some physiotherapy to do some back strengthening and that will apparently help me.

After my first physio session with a therapist called Ben I kept thinking about that weird guy in the grocery store and wondered if you or God sent me sign of some sort! Because Ben told me I am really tense in my upper back and he showed me some exercises in order to loosen them up aside from the Scolioses work outs. I honestly thought I am over that stuff. My whole childhood consisted of those damn exercises every single day, to the point I started hating them. Though it doesn’t make much sense, because I really felt better after that.

Anyways I noticed that this weirdo pointed exactly to this point where I was tense which in turn caused my discomfort. It was like you telling me: “Christina everything is going to be fine!” Now I do wonder why he was standing in front of the bakery aisle, but I hope that mystery can be solved in the future.I am sorry this seems to look like a big entry, but I have so much on my mind. I am increasingly sad, whatever I do nothing seems good enough for Daniel. I really try hard to please him and get everything right the way he likes it, but he always finds something to nag about and at times goes on those huge rants on small things. And I feel like I am no good for anything! Everything I do is wrong and I start to believe I am a failure in life, like a major mistake God made. Like oops that was an error! 

Anyhow thank you for listening! I always feel better after having expressed myself to you!

Love Christina

22. August 2017 - Tuesday

Dear diary,

Last Saturday Daniel and I went out for dinner with some friends of him and I almost can’t tell you, but I felt so humiliated.

I was so excited to go out and have some fun, got dressed up as best as I could. It was a huge accomplishment for me finally I was down 10 kg and fit in size 42 and I was really proud of myself. So, we are sitting down and are halfway through our meal and were having a pleasant conversation when I reached out to Daniel’s plate to grab but one caramelised carrot piece off his plate when he says all the sudden: “Honey I think you ate enough did you, or do you want to stay fat!”

I dropped the carrot at once and probably starred at him with an open mouth totally shocked and humiliated!

My face felt very hot and warm and my appetite was diminished immediately.

Now, you would think that’s enough for a day, but no lets just continue on his downward spiral of negativity, shall we!

The last few months he worked, it seems 24/7, coming home very late if at all! I know as an event manager you have to be on sight and it can get late, but its usual not that often. Now the days almost every weekend, special Fridays! I love him so much and I can’t sleep when he isn’t next to me. So I stay wake until he is back home, but a couple of times, he actually came home around 5 or 6 in the morning! I mean what the hell is that! That can’t be normal and it worries me a lot!

This all is getting too much for me! And my personal highlight of the week is the bloody physio work outs I do. That’s pretty pathetic!

I hope for better diary entries…

Love Christina

05. September 2017 - Tuesday

Dear diary,

I write that with an heavy heart, which feels like it has been shattered in thousands of pieces! My entire world is breaking down, broken and burned in ashes and there is nothing, absolute nothing, left in this world for me! My heart was taken and trampled upon with high laughter from up high.

Last weekend was a lonely one and my boyfriend was gone and working really hard! As Monday came around and it was my day off from work and my back had been bothering me a lot. Though it has gotten better. Apparently the physio is working its charm. The door bell rang and a female voice said: “mail”! So, I opened the door to let her in and deliver, God knows what, to our neighbours. And that Lady walked up stairs straight towards my door! She asked me if I can let her in and so I did very confused.

She looked me in the eyes and told me how much she loves my boyfriend and that they are having an affair for quite some time. I could hear her words and I felt like my spirit left my body. My legs became like jelly and my heart was sinking into my knees. I fell to the floor like a puppet left on the strings, collapsing! My insides were burning like fire and I started shaking uncontrollably! Meanwhile she looked completely unbothered like its a normal occurrence for her!

Here I am a 23 year old, cheated on woman, and what feels like dying inside. My world is destroyed and all life has been sucked out of it! A heavy cloud is hanging over me and I can’t see the sunshine anymore. Spiritually blind from the inside.

That same day there was nothing left and I packed all my stuff immediately. After all I’ve gone through, all the abuse I took, and with me letting him master over me, that was but the last string which broke the camel’s back.

I am sitting here right now in my mothers living room on the edge of life justing barely hanging on.

In tears your Christina

24. September 2017 - Sunday 

Dear diary,

I am looking for a sign from God, but feel abandoned like a thrown out piece of garbage! People believe in hell as an abstract concept in the afterlife, but I feel its in the midst of all of us, right here with the living.

I honestly thought as difficult as it has been with Daniel that we could fix our problems. Or let's say the miserable person I apparently am, good for nothing, and that we would be together for the rest of our lives.

He told me on a daily basis how stupid I am and there is no one who will ever love me as much as he did!

Almost a month has past and I still feel this over bearing sadness hanging over me like a dark cloud trying to suffocate me! That day something inside of me died!

Even the morning rays of sunshine is a mere ocean of darkness!

Now I feel crippled by fear! Its not just the heartbreak which is killing me but I do worry about my own health! God only knows with how many women he slept and if he was careful enough to use protection!

No romance movie prepares you for that, but this is more than I can handle. Ever since this incident I can’t eat, though I try, but I just can’t get anything down my throat its completely sealed and closed! My appetite is zero and my dear mother is worried about me as well. Bless her heart, she makes even my favourite meals, gives me all the junk food, but I can’t get anything down for the life of me! My clothes hang loose on me and I have to fix my leggings with a pin for them not to fall off, while working those damn shifts in the factory!

A week ago my panic attacks kicked in so bad that I started throwing up and I got all shaky!

My mom took me the doc to run all the test you need after the devil hit you hard on the head!

I catch myself sometimes praying to God to give me a heart attack and free me from this burden of life so I can escape hell once and for all!

Going Through The Darkest Sunshine

Christina

18. December 2017 - Monday

Dear diary,

I think a little more than 3 months have past and I still feel shell shocked, but a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders! Somehow I can’t imagine ever being able to trust and love someone ever again!

None of my clothes are wearable anymore not even with a pin. That means one thing. I have to buy more clothes with money I don’t have and its stressing me out quite a bit! I guess I can invest in one shirt and one pair of pants without breaking the bank too much!

The only thing which keeps me from going insane is looking up into the stars at night and hoping that there is something good out there! Another thing I like doing is reading about other worldly monsters that keeps me distracted for a little while.

All the test results came back fine which made me happy and a burden has been lifted. And I thank God every day for protecting me! But from now on I say no thank you to men and relationships ever!

Tomorrow mom and me are going on a shopping spree to buy some cloths and she offered to help me out financially, which is really generous of her!

My days have become better now I am not crying myself to sleep every single night! And each day my pain is getting smaller and the heavy clouds are moving further away!

Something else I noticed is apparently my looks are better than ever. People complement me lots of times and it appears I am not that shabby to look at with my new slimmed down figure….

Your Christina

16. March 2018 - Friday

Dear diary,

I don’t know where time has gone, but I missed telling you about my day. I am still working a lot and earning zero to nothing! You can’t say that 400,- euros a month on a 6 hour shift each day is fair! I am more a slave to the system than anything else! And God allows those bastards to use people like me while the government shuffles money down the companies throats. What the hell!

Today is physio again and I kinda look forward to it! My posture is nearly perfect and I look very fit though my scolioses will never leave. At least I am build up some strength and working on those machines is manageable! And thanks to the doctors note which Ben prompted I am allowed to get up and walk around every 45 minutes for about 10 minutes without compromising my salary!

Ben is so friendly! I have never met anyone who is so caring with people. He always makes sure to give me the best advice and makes me laugh every single time.

Love Christina

30. March 2018 - Friday

Dear diary

Today after my physio session I couldn’t help myself but overheard some ladies talking about how attractive Ben is and it was a little weird to hear that. Don’t get me wrong I don’t disagree but I never thought about that! Not even once!

He always goes the extra mile to help me out with things. The other day he suggested to take up swimming because its easy on the back and gave me some tips on which beaches and lakes are free of charge in summer and an indoor pool in town, where his sister works. He said it wouldn’t be a problem to get in there for free if I am able to volunteer once a month at one of those events taking place there!

I am like HELLO how generous is that, please! That’s awesome, plus I do love swimming!

Love Christina

13. April 2018 - Friday

Dear diary,

As usually I had my physio with Ben and something really weird happened and somehow I can’t stop thinking about it!

While we performed an exercise he corrected my arms a little bit and our eyes locked into each other! Mind you, we weren’t even alone there. There was another patient doing the workouts with us and it felt for a few seconds like we were alone.

A little confused but happy Christina

20. April 2018 - Friday

Dear diary,

The other day I felt like God is sending me one of those messages and I keep on seeing hearts everywhere like no matter where I am looking! Either someone wears a shirt with hearts on it or someone else has a purse with a heart one it. Its really surreal…and I can’t wrap my head around it! Seriously why do I keep seeing that I wondered at first, but it became crystal clear to me just today!

After my session with Ben he gave me his card with the next upcoming sessions for the month with a pretty fine looking smile on his face.

While on my way out I looked at it and on the other side he wrote a note to me. I got really nervous at this point. My heart was racing and my face started to feel real hot!

So he wrote: “Hi Christina, ever since I laid my eyes on you I was smitten my your beauty and your heart of gold. Not one day goes by when I don’t think about you. I have never met someone who is so kind hearted, funny and beautiful! If you don’t find too cringe would you please go on a date with me?” Yours truly Ben

My heart was going wild and I don’t know what to do but don’t worry I will let you know!

My soul was crying and my light was gone, but now my soul can smile after a long while!

Your happy bee Christina