Love is Lost

Friday, October 4^th, 1985

Richard could not have ever imagined tonight would turn out this way. A friend of his had held a party earlier in the night at his house nestled by woodland. He usually hated attending gatherings but was persuaded by his girlfriend Holly to attend. She always claimed that he needed to “make more friends” and “be more social.” But Richard was not a fan of being social and having a vast group of friends, he was content with having a couple of buddies from work to have a drink or watch a football game with occasionally. But for the sake of Holly, he pushed through. The party was your standard house party, with people having banal conversations semi-fueled by alcohol. Richard floated through the party, having a conversation here and there, he was just waiting for it to end. This was normal behavior whenever he was at social events stemming back to his first encounter with Holly which was coincidentally at a college party. She saw him hugging the corner and walked up to him. She always liked talking to new people, it was considered “fun” to her. He gave a smile and from there it was history.

After hours of uncomfortably standing around, he walks over to Holly and asks to leave. “We haven’t even been here that long,” she says. Richard sighs, “I’m tired, it’s dark and it’s a pretty long drive back.” “But I want to stay,” Holly says. Richard realizes that she is steadfast in her decision. He thinks about accepting it and walking away but something compelled him to take a stand. “I think it’s better if we leave now.” Richard felt partly relieved and anxious getting that off his chest. “You are free to leave but I’m staying” she responded. Richard stunned, takes a second to say something. “What do you mean?” he asked. “I’m tired and I think it’s better if we take a break,” she said. Richard was crushed by what he just heard. He could not muster up the ability to give a response, just a look of confusion and agony before ultimately walking to his car.

That naturally threw off Richard’s need to be prepared. In any situation, he always needed to know how to act accordingly. He had a full stock of canned food in case the apocalypse ever hit. He had come to the party with a map but had ended up in Holly’s possession. Richard had not realized this until he was lost, in the dark streets with nothing but trees to guide him. At least, the drive allowed him to rethink his relationship, what went wrong, and what led to tonight. He realized that for some time now they had not been the happiest, but Richard was not one to notice other’s feelings. He was wrapped up in his own life, worried about whatever may come now, too busy to focus on the now. What Richard did know is that he had not felt heartbreak like this. He only had one other girlfriend in his life but that was in junior high. That ended with him moving schools, but it did not affect him as he did not care to be in a “relationship”.

After being deeply in thought and lost in the woods, Richard saw a gas station in the distance. Hopefully, he could get someone to give him directions, at least lead him to a main street, and then he thought he could return home from there. It looked unkempt, like no one had occupied it in years, and the gasoline fumes stained the air. He walks in and nobody is there. “Hello,” he yells. A gas station attendant comes from the back room. Richard looks at his nametag and sees his name is John. “Can I help you?” “Could you give me directions towards Charles St.” John gladly accepts and begins writing down directions on a piece of loose leaf. Richard found it hard to read as it was written in this hybrid of cursive and print. He did not want to bring it up as he did not want to offend him, so he thanked him and walked to his car.

He sat in his car trying to decipher the directions, he made out what he could and began driving. He began to think about a second chance with Holly. What if he had a chance to do it all over again? All these wishful thoughts of things he should have done in the past and maybe he would not be in this predicament. He then began to think about the future and how he could win her back. He thought about conforming his whole lifestyle towards her and becoming a chameleon in his eyes. He thought long and hard about this and considered turning back to wherever that may be and returning to the party. He could not do that though; he was lost in the woods. Within 30 minutes of making no progress he finds himself at the same gas station he was at earlier. He now realizes he needs gas and figures he could ask for better directions.

He walks into the gas station to find that exact smell lingering in the air, but something is off. As if the place had been slightly downgraded. He calls out for the gas station attendant. He comes from the back door, but it is not John. It is somebody different, he looks at his name tag and sees the name, Hooper. He found his name to be weird, something he would find in the movies. “What happened to John?” Richard asked. Hooper looks puzzled like he was asked to solve a calculus problem. “I don’t know who you’re talking about sir, I’m the only one that works here.” He considered going into an argument about it but figured it was important enough. He asks the man for instructions and gas on pump one. He writes down the directions on loose-leaf paper and it is the same handwriting as John’s. He wonders if this is some elaborate prank he is pulling on him just to mess with him. He instead asks him to tell him the directions and he will write them down.

He finishes pumping his gas and he begins driving again. He feels stuck in this monotonous loop not just driving but recently in life. He has been living in a routine for the past couple of years and realizes he has been living his life on autopilot. A few vacations here and there but always he would return to the monotony of his daily life. Richard never gave any excitement to Holly’s life. What reason would she have to stay with him? That thought saddened Richard, taking focus away from his driving.

He continues to pass waves of trees, he feels as if he has not been moving, he has been stagnant in the middle of the road. He had not seen another car in hours to deny his feelings. After a while, he thought why would he have to change himself? If he was comfortable in his skin, why try to switch to make someone else comfortable? There has to be someone out there who feels the same as him, comfortable with staying in, enjoying hours of silence. Is it fair?

All these thoughts dominate his brain, leaving no space to figure out how to escape the forest. This leads him back to the gas station. To this point Richard is fed up, he has been lost for what feels like days but was, in reality, three hours and has ended up in the same place for the third time now.

He walks into the gas station for what he prays is the final time to find the store empty. No shelves of disgusting, unhygienic snack food. No cash register and most importantly no gas station attendant, just the back door. He has entered a fever dream, pinching himself to wake up and still be at the party but he does not wake up. He is still in the gas station. He takes it upon himself to walk towards the door. Uncertainty rushes over him, he opens the door. Bright lights shine through nearly blinding Richard as he walks in.

He is shaking off the blindness. He smells a mixture of vomit, sweat, and beer. He realizes he is at a party, specifically the college party where he met Holly. It takes him a minute to figure that out and he is uncertain about what to do now. Should he approach Holly, should he leave, or let things play out how they originally did? These thoughts overwhelm him. He closes his eyes and tries to free his mind. He is taken out of his meditative state by the sound of a woman’s voice. He opens his eyes, and it is Holly. She asks him a question, but he has gone temporarily deaf, and he just smiles at her.