Annihilating The Bridge Transient
Going under the bridge is the best part of my daily run. This morning as I approached the entrance, I saw a figure in the middle of the path. He was a pale-skinned hobo who appeared to have taken up residence underneath the bridge.
This worthless pile of filth & disease was sitting inside of a stolen shopping cart, cradling his mucous soaked chicken legs with a set of nimble looking hands. His fingernails were long, black, & unkempt and looked like they could cause serious problems if duke got any bright ideas.
I was getting closer to the entrance but all of my instincts told me to turn back. I slowed down to walk so I could calmly analyze the situation without a racing heartbeat. I was moving closer to the haggardly beast with each step. If people saw me retreat I’d look like a bitch. Not on my watch.
My mind was spiraling out of control. Was I making the wrong decision? Is this intense & overpowering fear I feel at the sight of a hobo even justified? Fuck that bitch. I ain’t ever scared. I knew if I remained calm and used the logic bestowed upon my gender by evolutionary forces then I could act my way out of this nightmarish hellscape.
“Rational thoughts”, I mumbled as I entered the passageway below the bridge. The goblin was maybe ten feet in front of me and staggered slightly to my right. As I walked I was doing my best to avoid eye contact. I didn’t want to give it a chance to see my eyes and glimpse my emotional vulnerabilities before overpowering me under a secluded overpass. I assure you I had no intention of getting dommed. My movements were turning more mechanical which tends to happen when I become consumed by self-awareness, but I was still making solid progress with all things considered. Walking down the path in that moment it seemed like everything was going to be alright. But of course, as soon as I thought I was free the abomination grabbed me by the arm with an emotionless face ... BIG MISTAKE BUSTER.
Immediately I put my hand around his throat and lifted him out of his retarded alley-cart with one arm gracefully placed behind my back. I lessened the throat grip and grabbed him by the ear instead. I leaned him in close & whispered, “ever play with dolls guy?” “No”, he whimpered. “Yo ass finna be a ragdoll, MAGGOT! WE DON’T BREAK THE LAW ROUND HERE JACK!” And with that I began violently lashing his frail body against the concrete like he was a human sized whip; slamming him with extreme force and cruelty. Faint cries for help could be heard from his severely disfigured face. “I hope Obamacare covers plastic surgery for terrorists”, I asserted, as I proceeded doing what was right. WHAM! It felt like an eternity but I couldn’t stop, I’m a crusader for justice. A few minutes after the massacre began a small audience gathered around to witness what must’ve looked like the plight of an honorable man with an unquenchable thirst for justice & peace. My excitement peaked when I noticed there was a local media crew in attendance. This made my slamming even more rapid & impactful. Massive cracks in the concrete began to appear. I was drenched in blood. Blushing like a schoolgirl on prom night. “I hope they make me look cute. I’ve always wanted to be famous”, I thought .
The longer people stayed the more they were soaked in this terrorist’s blood. I’ll never know if this is what triggered the collective vomiting but regardless the entire pavement was a brownish-green color (definitely not cute on camera when mixed with my olive complexion) accompanied by an atrocious odor to it that only got worse as the weather grew hotter. None of it mattered. I was putting on a clinic. I was having an absolute blast! I hadn’t decimated a vagrant in a while and doing it under the bridge gave me a warm feeling of nostalgia. “Just like the good ole days”, I thought as the man’s body started making a new noise after slapping against the pavement. His body was starting to feel loose & sprightly, flexible, as if me liquidating his organs was somehow acting as a massage session instead of a gruesome homicide. “I’ll just send him the bill when I’m done lol..or I guess I’ll have to send it to his estate..LOL🤣”. That made me chuckle….
At that moment everything grew quiet. The birds were no longer lively & bird-like & offered no warning before they started falling out of the sky. Simultaneously, a swarm of locusts appeared out of nowhere & completely blackened out the sky. “Fuck... I hope this doesn’t ruin any reviews of my performance”, I thought as I began wrapping things up.
To help ease me into the present moment I became more in tune with my surroundings and watched as my rage levels quickly stabilized. I no longer needed the assailant.
“EEEK!”, a little girl let out a bloodcurdling scream as she fainted in a puddle of communal body fluid. “If that little drama queen steals my show she’s got another thing coming!” With my senses coming back to me, I looked at the hand I used to pulverize the frail homeless man & realized what made the little bumpkin diva shriek..whoops…..lol.. In my hand was the bridge-troll’s severed arm, completely detached from the rest of his horrible body! I threw the piece of shit’s arm over to the spectators (didn’t get the reaction I had hoped for) & canvassed the area until I found the rest of the murder victim’s mangled corpse. Jesus fucking Christ it was disgusting. His ribs had apparently snapped at some point in the melee and were now protruding through his flabby gut. “Shoulda done more crunches instead of browsing the black cargo pants section of Hot Topic, you fuckin nerd 😂🤣”. Its eyeballs had popped out the eye sockets & were dangling from his skull. His face looked like he had been skinned by Leatherface then set on fire. Its legs had been completely flattened and drained of any blood. I guess his weak bones weren’t meant to withstand the type of trauma I was putting him through. Should have been taking a calcium supplement. I thought about breaking the remaining bones in his body to turn him into a human jump rope which would finally give him a purpose in life, but thinking about the maintenance required for a genuine human-skin accessory made my logical man brain decide to leave it alone.
As I hovered over my trophy I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of fulfillment and masculine pride. A single tear streamed down my smiling face as I stared at the lifeless sex-offender’s gooey cadaver. He was built like a Korean female and had the psychology of Hannibal Lecter; just an absolute piece of shit.
When I started my jog that morning I wasn’t planning on annihilating transients. I had no idea I would be dismembering a body in front of a crowd of spectators (accidentally). I never imagined I would have the power to crush the bones of a victim into an extremely fine powder, or captivate a bewildered audience for nearly half an hour as the Book of Revelations unfolded around me... But the moral of the story is this: not all hero’s wear capes. I didn’t wake up that morning with the specific goal of ridding American streets of another insidious scoundrel who refused to pay taxes. I never knew I was going to murder a man in broad daylight, in front of a crowd of adorning fans & local members of the media. But when times get tough leaders step up & do what’s right. Evil comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s disguised as a turban-wearing Muslim shouting “Allah’Akbar!”. Or as an angry little German man with a homosexual mustache. Or sometimes, it can even take the form of a seemingly harmless drifter living out of a shopping cart underneath a bridge in a heavily populated part of town. The point is that whenever evil pops its creepy little head into existence you have to destroy it. Like I did with that piece of shit drifter for touching me on the arm. Or like Seal Team 6 did with Osama bin Laden. Or the allied forces against the Nazis. So unless you think you’re better than me, the Navy Seals, or the Allied Forces from WW2, you need to take a stand for what’s right and leave this existence on the right side of history. 💯