I'm Glad

August 14th, 2022:

My therapist has asked me to keep a journal. She says she wants me to write down everything I've felt glad about since it happened.

I suppose... I'm glad I have something to do.

I'm not sure there's anything else I could really be glad about right now. I don't think there ever will be.

August 16th, 2022:

... I'm glad it was the police who found Maddie, and not Dad. I overheard him say on the phone today that if he'd seen her, he'd have thrown himself in after her; then I wouldn't have a Dad or a sister. I'd have to live with Mum again.

August 19th, 2022:

I'm glad I don't have to wear black at the funeral. Maddie loved purple, so Dad helped me find a purple suit today. Not like a plum kind of purple, more like lavender. Dad asked for the flowers too. Mum turned up at the florists and said she wanted lilies as well. I'm allergic, but I think she forgot.

She's forgotten a lot about me. On my last birthday, she gave me a card with an eleven on it instead of a twelve. On her last birthday, she didn't get Maddie anything, or at Christmas.

August 22nd, 2022:

I'm glad Dad said I could bring my headphones to the crematorium today. I sat in the car and listened to Maddie's CD while Dad argued with Mum. He doesn't like how much she loves swearing. She swears a lot when they're talking about Maddie. She says 'hell' all the time, and a word Dad made me promise never to say. I'd heard grandad use that word once before when he got very angry at the television. We stopped visiting him altogether after that. Dad doesn't want Mum to stop visiting me, but I don't think she wants to anyway.

August 24th, 2022:

I'm glad Dad decided to start sleeping on the couch. He puts the TV on loud at night. I know it's so I can't hear him crying. I want to go and tell him that everything will be okay, but then he'd know I was awake past my bedtime.

August 25th, 2022:

We got Maddie's ashes back this morning. I'm glad Dad agreed to get the urn shaped like a boat. Maddie always loved ornaments, and this one looks like an antique. She lives on our mantlepiece now, underneath our TV, so we're always looking at her. She loved being seen. She used to dress in bright colours with lots of frills and jewellery, just like a supermodel. I love all the outfits she designed. She said she wanted to make clothes that anyone could wear, ones that made them feel amazing.

August 28th, 2022:

I'm glad I can still see her face around town. Lizzie painted Maddie's portrait - they put it in the window of the cat café where she volunteered, and in the craft shop where she bought her canvases. I love that Lizzie still lets me call her my big sister. Yesterday, she invited me into the café. She bought me a piece of cake, and let me play with the cats for a whole hour. I like Cici the best, she always comes and sits on my shoulders. She's all white, with blue eyes. Lizzie told me Cici can't hear very well - that must be why she purrs so loudly.

September 6th, 2022:

I'm glad Maddie's friends let me sit with them at lunch every day. Max says he plans to apply for a tutorship role after graduation, so I won't ever have to eat on my own again. And I'm glad I get to sit with Jordan - they always bring cookies and popcorn. We play cards at breaktime. The year elevens eat in their homeroom instead of the canteen. It's quiet, they have a coffee machine, and it's away from the people who say nasty things about Maddie.

September 8th, 2022:

I'm glad Maddie wasn't around to hear what Josh M said in English Lit today. Though I'm even more glad she didn't see me get suspended for giving him a black eye (and breaking my thumb). I told Dad what happened. He said I should keep my thumb on the outside of my fist next time.

September 15th, 2022:

I'm glad the teachers have given me longer to hand homework in. Maddie always helped me with art. I'm worried I won't be able to do it without her.

September 24th, 2022:

I'm glad I'm walking for her today. I'm glad so many people showed up. We're doing Maddie's Memory Walk to raise money for charity - our local cat rescue shelter, and the mental health crisis support hotline. Everyone was so nice, and we had tea and cake afterwards. A few people asked about Mum, but Dad told them she couldn't get time off work. I know she doesn't work on Saturdays; Dad told me to keep that a secret.

September 30th, 2022:

I went in Maddie's room. I'm glad nothing has changed, well, other than the photos, flowers, and teddies all over her desk. I didn't tell Dad that I took her favourite blanket. It smells like her body spray, and it still has some paint on it. I keep it on my bed.

October 6th, 2022:

My art teacher said she was really proud of the homework I handed in. I'm glad I looked through Maddie's portfolio. She had a lot of really helpful notes around her drawings, teaching me about cross-hatching and perspective. I hope I can be as good an artist as her one day. Dad put my work on the fridge; he hasn't done that since I was seven. I told him he didn't have to, though he insisted. We ordered pizza for tea. I'm glad he let me choose extra toppings.

October 11th, 2022:

I'm glad Dad found an old videotape of a holiday we had in 2015. We'd gone to a caravan park near the seaside. Everyone looked so happy - me, Maddie, and Mum. Dad had been filming, so he wasn't in any of the shots. We played mini golf, rode the dodgems at a theme park, and went swimming. Maddie made lots of really funny jokes. Dad and I laughed so hard watching them, but we did a bit of crying too. I miss Maddie's jokes.

October 25th, 2022:

I'm very, very glad that Dad took me out of school today. We went for a walk on the prom. He bought us donuts and hot chocolate, then we went in the arcade for a few hours. I won an alien key ring. I think Maddie would have liked it. When we went down to the beach, he gave me a hug. He said thanks for being strong through the divorce, and after Maddie's passing; that we have some difficult times ahead, but we'd get through them together.