Death of the Rising Sun

The last time I saw her was purely by happenstance. It was the day she was set to leave town and I aimlessly wandered the streets in an attempt to ease my mind. I thought about where she was and how much longer she would be on the road, how close she was to the next chapter of her life as I stayed behind, unable to turn the page.

I eventually found myself outside of a small hole in the wall cafe on the edge of the shopping district in town. It was her favorite place to get coffee and I would frequently join her on her many runs here. Whenever we would go, she would describe the particular taste of the different brews to me. I would simply nod as I sipped my hot chocolate while she told me of a brew’s ‘oakiness’ or acidity level. It never made much sense to me but I knew it made her happy so I played along. 

The smoky aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafted toward me and my heart began to ache. I looked at the sign and wondered if I would ever be able to come here again without feeling that pain. The door opened as a couple exited the building, the woman holding the door open for me. My body moved without thought and I thanked her as I entered the cafe. I walked to the counter and prepared to order what would probably be my last hot chocolate there when I found myself ordering a coffee instead. I wanted to give it a try, to understand everything she would tell me about it, to see what she saw. My first sip was bitter and difficult, lacking entirely of anything resembling "notes of chocolate". The second didn’t fare any better but I was determined to finish it. Maybe, I thought, I could find what I needed at the bottom of the cup. Maybe that’s where the oakiness was, where I can learn to see what I wasn't able to before.

The door creaked as it closed behind me. I looked out to the setting sun as a dense sheet of clouds were rolling in and I found myself unable to process what to do next. In my dazed state I turned down the street and saw her walking my way. My heart jumped and my chest began to tighten. She looked up from her phone and I could tell she felt a similar sense of surprise upon seeing me. A slight smile formed on her lips as she lightly waved. I raised my hand in response, unable to think or react in any meaningful way. We awkwardly exchanged pleasantries before I asked her why she wasn’t on the road. She explained that she had some car trouble and that she would be headed out the next morning instead.

As we talked, I felt something begin to take form in my mind. It was an ease I wasn’t expecting, especially given the falling out we had the week prior. The few days prior I was sure that I would never see her again, that my last memory of her would be through the threshold of her front door as I made my way out into the night feeling broken and hurt in a way I didn’t know how to handle. It felt as if fate had offered me another chance, to undo what I had done, if I could only seize the moment.

She mentioned that she was coming her for one final cup of coffee as this would be her last chance. I offered the one in my hand, jokingly saying that it was to be her going away present. She chuckled but I knew she was only humoring me like she always did. She looked up and in that moment, the world seemed to shift. Sound faded away and everything around us blurred. My heart raced as she leaned in and I followed suit. Her perfume enveloped me; the scent of roses gently caressing my skin as we drew closer. Our lips touched and an electric tingle raced across my skin.

I became lost in the flow of the river of time. Surrendering myself entirely to that blissful moment, I willed every sense I had to remember everything I could.

She pulled away and I opened my eyes. I held her hand in mine as I looked deep into her eyes. I could see something within them begging me to say anything, to give a sign that I had changed my mind. Deep within me, fueled by a fire I hadn’t known was there, a voice raged in protest of my silence. It tried desperately to force a change to make me see that this was my chance to set things right and follow a path that would lead me to happiness. Even if it didn’t, I would have at least tried and actually shown how much she meant to me.

The bright blue of her eyes, as deep and wondrous as the oceans themselves, wavered as tears began to form. I saw a shadow cast itself over those once calm and soothing seas. It grew, reaching out beyond space and time to snuff out the light of the next days rising sun, as well as every sunrise after that. A future collapsed right before me as the tears streaked down her face. I felt hollow. That sadness, that shadow, it was my doing. I took away that rising sun and smothered our future. My cowardice, my fear, my inability to go side-by-side with her as she outgrew this town and started on a new path in life won out against my desire for a loving future with her once again. For a second and final time, I hurt the one person I care for the most.

The voice inside ultimately faded as a numbing blanket of fear and shame smothered the fire that fed it. She turned away, our hands still lightly clasped, and began to walk away. When our fingertips separated, I felt a bottomless chasm open between us. My chest felt as if it was on the verge of collapse and no matter how much I wished the earth to swallow me whole, I remained on that sidewalk and silently watched happiness walk away.