Inbetween

TW: suicide, self harm, mental health, cussing

2:00:00     Only two hours. Her corpse stepped onto the tattered, musty floors, as her warm breath condensates in the frozen air. Into the toll clinks 75 cents, insignificant to the sacrifice already paid. The fluorescent lights flicker a welcome, as the girl with sharp eyes gaze around. In the seats are bodies, some alive, some dead, but all quiet. The girl takes her seat along the window and waits patiently for the journey to begin.

1:59:01     The bodies sway in unison to every bend and turn of the road while the humming of the engine begins to lull the  girl into a daydream of her own regrets. Two lives already gone. 

1:53:15     Her eyes trace the blur of darkened town scenery from outside the window, only to look back at the corpse in the reflection of the window. Why did she kill herself, again? She finally had happiness. She had safety and comfort. All of that thrown away and for nothing. Everything done was completely her decision, her actions alone cut the ties from once loved ones. Make no mistake, each carefully crafted lie she made planned her downfall, she saw her death coming for months, yet she continued on this road for no other reason than her own selfish boredom.

1:45:51    The notice of a body diverted her attention. A pale-skinned body that didn’t breathe, didn’t move. The girl attempted to take a glance at the body in discretion.

“It’s rude to stare” the body said softly. Its voice was slow and calm. It spoke quietly, yet its words cut cleanly through the static humming of the engine. The girl froze in the awkwardness of being caught.

“A-Apologies, I was simply curious, I didn’t see you before,” the girl responded. That wasn’t a lie. Its limbs did not sway with the road like everyone else’s.

“Curious? What about me makes you curious?” it responded. Her lips opened, but her mind was blank in thought. Unsure of how to respond, the girl shifted away in her seat, tracing her eyes to the blurry, foggy forest outside the window. 

“Are you curious to be like me?” it asked. What an egotistical thing to say. 

It continued, “to be me is to be able to witness the world and its joys but to never touch it, to never damage it.” Now those prospects were enticing. She softly bit her lips at the thought. The idea of leaving this world, and having it continue like you never existed, was… comforting. Too comforting.

“Who the hell are you? What shit are you trying to pull?” The girl asked with a threatening tone. Nobody can offer the impossible. Not without heavy costs.

“I am but a whisper of wind, a faint silhouette in complete darkness. More importantly, I’m someone who can come and go as they please is this world, without worry of leaving any loved ones behind”

1:42:36     This time the  girl looked straight at the pale-skinned body, studying head to toe. It wasn’t translucent in the slightest, and the only oddities was the lack of movement along with it phasing through the musty floors.

The body continued, “you left them all behind, your children weep in your absence, your lover wails in betrayal, all because of you.” The girl flinched at hearing her sin spoken aloud. Spears drove into her stomach, her guilt swallowing her whole.

The body leaned in closer, whispering sharply into the girl’s ear, “wouldn’t you like to forget? Wouldn’t you like to be free of these burdens?”

Everything she died for, was now being handed to her on a silver platter. She could move on, be unchained from her last life, but even if she could erase her consciousness of her own wrongdoings, it didn’t change the truth that she ruined their lives. She is the one at fault, she is the guilty and this is the sentence for her transgressions. She doesn’t deserve this freedom, if it even was freedom at all.

Confidently, the girl raised her voice, “no, I cannot forget, I will not forget. In time their faces may blurr, their voices warped, but I will not forget the anguish I caused them. Maybe, if I remember their pain, I can do better this time, perhaps I can be better.”

1:41:52     In a blink, the body was gone. Taken aback, the girl abruptly gasped in shock, she scanned for any evidence of its existence, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary, the bodies were all seated, still swaying to the bends of the road in silence. Where the body once stood, there was nothing. An uneasiness settled into her breath. She wasn’t crazy. The floors rumbled at the uneven pavement, the seat next to her was empty, and- in another blink, the pale-skinned body reappeared in a flicker, with its hand grasping at her throat.

Her head was pinned into her seat, blood rushed to her head and her eyes signaled for help from others on board, to no avail. Immediately, the girl grabbed at the arm that held her, digging her nails as deep as she could. Even if she lacked the strength to pry its fingers from her neck, she could at least peel the skin from its bones. She will make it feel pain. 

Her fingers clawed at the flesh, tearing the pale skin away like wet paper, revealing nothing but cracked, aged bones underneath. A light gasp left her lips in mild surprise, perhaps a final breath from the girl. However, the hand did not choke her, its claws instead gripped the sides and back of her neck, puncturing her veins, and holding her at the spine.

It pulled the girl in close, its clutch held tight despite its brittle bones. With a hushed, distorted voice spoke, “Ha, do better? You? You’ve already fucked your second chance, you won’t change, you’ll simply run again to your next life, burning down that world too. ” More of its skin tore off its exposed bones, and thick clouds of blinding smoke steamed from the cracks. A strong odor of soot filled the girl’s lungs. Its grip dug deeper into her neck, piercing every nerve into horrific pain. She wasn’t going to waste her third life this quickly, but the ghost wasn’t done.

The ghost gleefully laughed, “foolish girl, this is who you are, a disease to your own life. Admit it, you don’t care, you feel no love for anyone. You never did.”

Rage is something broken people like her rarely feel, they are simply already too tired for it. But it was rage that puppeted her every thought. She swung her legs up, kicking the ghost square in its ribcage. Skin and bones went scattered across the floors and smoke clouded the air. Warm blood dripped down from the back of her neck, sticking to her hairs and clothes. The ghost snarled in disgust, lunging for another attack.

1:15:23     Her corpse jerked up into her seat, as her rapid warm breath condensed the nighttime fog outside the window. The ghost’s laughter still rang in her ears. Blood pounded into her head as adrenaline pumped to her fingertips. The static lights hummed quietly, as the girl with sharp eyes gazed around. The bodies of people surround her, all lifeless like before. Her eyes darted around, searching for any clue of this reality, ready for the pale-skinned body to attack again.

The humming of the engine cuts off while a handful of corpses rise out of their seats and shuffle to the front. Her panicked breaths slightly outlined clouds of steam while her body phased out of shock. Stay calm. Stay calm. Despite her heart still running, she forced her chest to slow its movement. Her head started to clear, but her eyes kept on observing. 

1:13:39     A little part of her wished she took that cursed offer. She envied the ghost, its offer echoed in the far depths of her mind. No more lives, no more memories. It didn’t matter that this was a new life, the events of her previous life still did its damage. Her suicide was the world’s suicide and that was entirely her fault.

The ghost was wrong about her. The girl knew without question that she did love, she loved her better half, her children, she loved them all or she at least thought she did. Why is she leaving them then? Why did she betray them? 

Exasperated, she finally settled down, laying back into her seat. Outside the window were hallowed lights, dimmed and blurred through the cold fog. They followed in unison with the hazy outline of shops and stores. More bodies drift and float about, their silhouettes not seen, only their indistinct movements. The girl’s attention traced their motions before the moisture of her own breath clouded the window and the scenery left her own sight. 

1:10:03     A hunched back figure with saggy wrinkled skin approached the girl. She came in with the newest passengers.

“Is this seat taken, love?” Her voice was honey and milk.

The girl attempted to calm her voice before forming a response. She took a deep breath, concentrating on grounding her to the floors below.

“N-No, you can sit here if you would like,” the girl replied in a weary tone, clearly still disturbed from the recent events. She scooted herself closer to the window, giving more room for the old lady to get comfortable. The engine rumbled back on, and the trembling of the tattered floors returned with it. The girl focused her sight to the motions outside the window, trying to make out faces in the fog. There was no need to draw more attention from the old lady who continued to peer into her.

1:05:28     With some hesitation, the old lady slowly turned to her, folded her wrinkly hands, and asked, “Are you alright Miss?”

Timidly she nodded back, still trying to normalize her gasping breathing and racing heart, “yes, thank you- just not feeling too well. Can’t say I’m excited to be here, I don’t think any of us are.”

“...why do you not think so?” The old lady’s eyes squint with interest.

“I-I don’t know, a feeling of shame I suppose? It feels like we are simply running away- at least that’s what I feel like I am doing. Just selfish cowards, too afraid to be alive.”

“Speak for yourself,” the old woman huffed, “do you think of me as a coward?”

“That’s not what I meant ma’am, I only meant-” the old woman raised her hand, cutting off the girl. The lights did not flicker, but the floors were just as tattered and musty.

“I’ve lived many lives with many chapters. I’ve burned many pages and I’ve hurt the people I love, but I’m still here. We are not cowards, we are trying again by the only way we know how.” 

“By trying again, you mean run away from our consequences?” The girl didn’t mean for it to come out so rude.

The old woman chucked and shook her head. “No, we live with our consequences. We remember the hurt we inflict, we remember the tearing at our skin, we remember that guilt, but we also remember the promises we’ve made to ourselves and the buried apologies to our loved ones. We are not running away, there is no running away from ourselves”

“I know, that’s the worst part. I hate living with myself, I hate having time to think- I don’t want to ‘discover who I am’ or whatever bullshit.” The girl’s voice was stable now, she no longer quivered. “I’m scared of what might be found.” 

The old lady exhaled a deep sigh. She faced away from the window, and away from the girl before speaking, “then keep running. Whatever is chasing you darling, keep running, don’t stop for a normal life. Try again at a new life.”

The rest of the time was in a solemn silence. When her stop came, she nodded a polite goodbye.

0:48:40     Everything was so muddy. Everything was so hopeless. Try again? Was that even possible? Her dreams were sand slipping through cracks. Starting from smoldering ashes, where do you even begin? Nobody was gonna stay with her, not once they knew what she did. Outside were trench coats and briefcases bustling past the girl. The fog settled into dew, dampening the slick concrete. 

A face catches her eye immediately as her stomach drops in horror.

0:24:20     The moment the boy stepped onto the tattered, musty floors, guilt held her down into the seat. The lights flicker a warning, turning the girl’s stomach, as the wavy-haired boy approached the seat across from her and sat down. She wanted to run, escape, shatter the window and jump out, anything but mutter a word in the tense silence.

0:21:13     He spoke first. “You lied.” The girl darted her eyes away in shame. She had no defense and her pride wouldn’t dare to beg him for forgiveness. She didn’t want forgiveness anyways. “You used me, you deceived me for so, so long.” He croaked, his words were torn in sadness. “I believed in you- your trust, your joys, and especially your love. I believed your smiles, your kisses. You used me like a tool to betray the life you once had because you were too much of a coward to simply walk away from it with grace.” He wasn’t wrong.

The only thing the  girl could muster through her lips mutter was a quiet, “I’m sorry.” It was barely mouthed, no more than a sound of a breath.

“That’s it? You made every person who loved you feel like shit, every inch of me betrayed and ruined, and you barely whisper an apology?” He wasn’t shouting, but his voice flowed with hot anger. He curled his lips into a scowl and his eyes glared in solace. The girl still avoided his glance.

“No,” the  girl whispered, “I didn’t want to- but I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I know I did-” 

“-and you knew that you would.” he hissed back.

0:18:59     That also wasn’t wrong. “I am sorry.” This time she spoke clearly, her words danced on a knife’s edge. “I wanted the comfort and joy you brought me, and I knew you would hate me for deceiving you but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, so I thought if I simply didn’t, I could clutch onto you just a little bit longer.” The  girl shifted her legs up into her seat, curling into a ball. "I just thought a little bit of comfort wouldn’t hurt, before I burn down my world again.” Her voice shook in grief, tears welled up in her eyes, and her cheeks began to flush. She looked pathetic. “I didn’t want to, I promise but there was no oth-”

“Why did you do it then? Fucking why?” he snapped. “Why waste my time and care, why ruin me?” His breath was heavy, carried by every word. 

“I just wanted to leave, escape my life, an-”

“So you burn down your world, with me in it?” The pain that left his voice stung like daggers. He exhaled in her silent response, this time his breath was shaky. He leaned his hand to his head, wiping off his watered eyes. 

“Yea, that was the goal.” The girl sighed, trying to smooth her broken voice. “To leave every person I had in my life, to cut them all off and simply be alone again. You were perfect and I still love you to death, but I didn’t deserve that pleasure. You gave me perfection, and I loathed every moment of it.”

Her voice quivered as she finally collected her thoughts. She could still run.

“I just wanted to hurt myself. Even in perfection, I still wanted to die.”

The girl, drowning in tears, continued, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain. I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough, I’m sorry I burned you-”

0:16:42     She did not deserve forgiveness, and certainly not his forgiveness. She does not deserve to feel love in her arms or the sunlight on her skin. Yet, he embraced her soul, my soul, like a baby bird fallen out of its nest. Tears streaked down the  girl’s blushed cheeks and I could do nothing but curl up to his hold, sobbing, for the next eternity.

0:11:47     I drew myself back, my body folded upon itself, but my face was turned to him and in a corse, broken voice, I whispered, “Thank you.”

The boy sniffled a reply, unable to come to words.     

0:00:19     I take one last look outside the window before the bus jerks to a final halt. People stand up and shuffle about, gathering their belongings. A stone sits at the bottom of my stomach, the fear keeps me seated, but my chest beams in new found excitement and curiosity of this next life. I breathe in the warm air, relieved this journey has come to its end.