the boy she never saw

The sun is setting and I'm all by myself, silence creeps inside these walls as it gets darker outside. A dozen of notifications pop up on my screen and I'm so reluctant to respond to any of them. Only a few more hours are left till the year is over and perhaps start a new chapter. I take a moment to reflect on the moments I've spent, from making drastic changes like moving miles away from my friends and completely isolating myself to moving into a place I can hardly afford.

 My boyfriend's support has been of help but how much longer am I going to keep relying on him? Minutes go by and I'm still stuck in my bed, unbothered about my surrounding. I take a trip down memory lane all the way to the time a new year started, I can remember being happy and looking forward to all the things that I wanted to accomplish...guess I shouldn't have had a lot of expectations.

January 1st, new year didn't feel lonely..after spending New Year's Eve alone without the internet to keep me entertained, I went to bed early and hoped for a better day, a better year. Later that night my boyfriend came to visit, we had fun,talked more and made ourselves something to eat..it's funny how we work together even though we're complete opposites.. him been the loudest in this relationship sort of keeps me entertained don't get me wrong, I love who I am as a person but at times it's boring been all by myself 24/7.

The night goes so slow and I'm enjoying the moment I'm spending with him... until he pulls out a joke that changes my demeanor wholly.

"I've been having an affair with Brenda" he said, the words still play in my mind vividly each time I remember that night. Brenda the one person that introduced me to him, the one person I consider a friend..why her? Why cheat on me? I jumped out of my seat and questioned him over and over about it, sure played pranks on each other but not once have ever brought up cheating until that night.

The thought of him with her didn't sit right with me, I just couldn't imagine it. After a few moments of going back and forth he admits to it been a joke, seeing how upset I was he knew he took it too far and there was no way he could take back what he said. What a way to the year.

A week went by and since new year we'd never spoken to each other , apology messages were sent endlessly, a couple of friends came to apologize on his behalf including Brenda but that didn't stop me from feeling the way I was.

After what seemed like 2 weeks, I came to peace with him, and made him promise not joke about cheating again, even though his words still lingered in the back of my mind.

March 15 the apartment bills were due and I had no money in my account, being entirely dependent on my parents I leaned my hope on them, getting a job wasn't an option due to my hectic school schedule, been in an exam year made everything around me stagnant, I couldn't do anything until I wrote my exams which sucked being in that moment. I remember losing hope in myself and my family and seeking help from strangers, I was at risk of being thrown out and in that moment I knew I had to be vulnerable or I would end up loosing everything. After shedding tears night and day for over a week, help came through and I was able to pay my bills and continue my education.

April, I was in the lowest point in my life, been broke plus the added stress from the exams that were approaching really weighed me down. It was my birthday week and I wasn't looking forward to it given circumstances, honestly speaking I am not fond of my birthday, the thought of being a year older makes me feel older than i really am which would be nice if I was independent for once.

I remember receiving a message from an agency that offered me a one day job..modeling which was to take place on the day of my birthday.I was inexperienced but I was looking forward to it, I thought it was a sign, a breakthrough , a miracle , a saving grace I thought it was all that.. my boyfriend planned a birthday getaway for the entire weekend which I was looking forward but also wasn't too happy about and after modeling for the first time in front of many people I celebrated the rest of the day with my boyfriend.

June, it was the month of the exam and as scared as I was, I just wanted to get it done with. I spent months preparing for the exams, spending night and day going over the same thing and still feeling like I knew nothing. There was a possibility that the exam papers would be leaked but that was a 30% chance that it would happen and even if it did, I had no one but my boyfriend to rely on. From the moment I moved to a new place Brenda and I are not as close as we were, to this day I still wonder where we went wrong and why it had to happen..though there was a part of me that was holding onto what he had, another part of me had to let go.

June 29, the day of the exam had finally arrived, my head was overcrowded with so many thoughts, I was anxious, nervous,excited and scared at the same time..the thought of taking a break from studying after months was so relieving. I remember stepping into the exam hall and picking up my pen, flipping through the pages and coming across familiar questions was somewhat exciting. I felt confident leaving the exam room until later that afternoon, word spread across the students that some students had seen the exam questions prior to that day including my closest friends, I remember feeling shuttered, hopeless and betrayed. Upon receiving the document that had all the exam questions and answers I went back and forth trying to correct my mistakes, I finally plucked up the courage to do so and after going through 20 questions I stopped. I doubted myself and cried myself to sleep and since that day I knew I was on my own, I couldn't look at my close friends the same way again... though it was a bitter peel to swallow I knew I had to look past the betrayal and act as if nothing ever happened. How do you avoid people you're constantly around with either at work or school?how?

July, the results were out and I remember jump up and down for joy, passing the exam came in as a surprise especially after what happened. I regained my confidence and even though most people got higher scores based on cheating, I was glad that I passed because of my efforts it would have been nice to score higher but if I cheated I wouldn't have known how able I was to overcome such a difficult exam. I was free from school for summer and I had to start looking for a job.. another challenge to face.

September 9, a friend of mine referred me to a a job that needed some training before starting work. I remember being so excited about it and talking to my parents about it. School had already resumed so I had to learn how to deal with being a full time student and having a full time job..after a couple of days of training I felt drained and my body gave up on me,it didn't take long enough till I was let go before even starting the job.. and as sad as that was I felt relieved from all the stress that was weighing me down.

November, just when I thought I could get a break from all the misery problems arose again and I was faced with making the toughest decisions in my life... I was still job hunting and trying to fix my life at the same time which ended up not working out anyway.

December, still job hunting, still broke and still feeling doubtful about myself, dealing with betrayal while trying to overcome it has been one of the most challenging, time and time again I watch myself slowly drowning and pulling myself out, I know I don't want to live like this and I know that I can change the script.

11:59:60 seconds: here's to a new year, better decision making and to becoming the woman i envision myself to be, I know it won't come easy but I'll fight to get there. I close my eyes and reflect on my bad experiences...from this moment onwards I chose to let go of the ones that hurt me, I chose to believe in myself even when the whole world disagrees, I chose to be independent.. from this moment I chose to love myself. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year!!