Set Free

Can we talk? 

Those three words were like a bomb set into his lap as Alyx looked upon them on the screen of his phone. The number was unlisted, but he had long before memorized that string of numbers and the person that they belonged to. He didn’t expect to ever hear from her again and as such Alyx could only bring himself to look at the words that listlessly hung on his screen. He had options of course, simply delete the message and let the words eventually fade from his mind as all things would. Alyx wasn’t cursed with a photographic memory and he was thankful for that; his imperfect memory would haunt him for more than enough time. The words and their mere implications were captivating enough to remain branded within his memory.

Which is why he could not bring himself to look away from the words. 

Three years. He hadn’t heard from Morrigan Avros in three long years. Not since they dated, not since she broke his heart. Alyx of course wasn’t perfect; neither of them were. They'd both hurt one another as well as made each other happy until she'd decided it would be better for both of them if they went their separate ways. But he was happy for her at least. She had found someone new and he was genuinely glad to see her happy. But that was where Alyx found the past returning to him all at once. Whereas she had been able to let him go and be happy anew, Alyx Felspring lived in the past; yearning even if without conscious thought of things that were long since gone. He never found someone else to fill the space left in his heart in the shape of her and he didn’t think that he would be able to.

Because you never let her go he told himself as he shook his head and blew out an exasperated breath. His thumb hovered anxiously over the message that came from her and he was only torn about what to do. Making his way to his desk, he sat and opened the drawer on his right hand side. All the small storage spaces were full of random objects, messier than he may have wanted them but all shelves were full of things that no one knew exactly what to do with right? Ironically enough, the top most of these shelves next to his right leg was the cleanest; the contents of which he maintained since he couldn't bring himself to get rid of them.

The gifts from Morrigan were the contents of this small storage. Although the hurt still lingered ever so slightly, he could not bear to part with them. In his mind, petty and foolish as it may have seemed they were a form of proof that it was real; that they were real. That he loved her and she loved him and that it was good for a time for as much as now, three years later he couldn't bear to part with the gifts she'd given him. They carried far more weight than he cared to admit. Now the small gifted necklace he once always wore felt heavy like a ball and chain. His thumb fiddled with the pattern of the pendant and he sighed as he grabbed his phone and answered the message that churned his stomach with nerves. 

Two days later, on a Saturday afternoon, Alyx found himself at her doorstep. It had been a long time since he’d stood here and like ghosts that refused to let go of the living he recalled like it was only yesterday the bubbling nervous excitement that he got whenever he came to see Morrigan. But now the excitement was gone and only a nervous dread sat in the pit of his stomach like a weight. He could hear motion behind the door and his heart leapt into his throat and he felt the urge to vomit as the locks were undone and the door opened carefully. 

Morrigan Avros stood there in the doorway. It was cool this afternoon and as such she wore black sweatpants and a hoodie that was just a bit too large for her. It didn’t take a genius to guess that it belonged to her new love. Alyx reached up and rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he looked at her. She was still the most beautiful person that he’d ever seen but maybe that was still the past tainting his vision. The past seemed to taint the vision of everything about her both in a good way and a bad way but Alyx cleared his throat and forced himself to give her a small smile. 

“You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah I did, you can come in if you’d like.”

He followed her into the small apartment and as she locked the doors behind them he sat at the table in the living room. It was different being here after so long. Alyx was never claustrophobic but it was like the room would swallow him whole. Before he could do anything about it however, Morrigan was sitting across from him. The air in front of him seemed to grow stifling as though he couldn’t breathe. He was always nervous around her back when they were just friends, back when they were together and especially now that he was here in her house. 

“So you’re probably wondering what this is all about,” Morrigan said and of course he was wondering, it was the only thing on his mind when he got that freaking text from her. Alyx could see the faint flush in her face as he noticed the way that she looked away from him and cleared her throat. 

The past screamed at him, the last three years, those damn three years plagued him with a single message; a single question that he could not answer. An answer that only she could provide. 

“Why did you do it?” that question spilled out from him without his permission. 

Morrigan’s round face softened just a degree as she looked away from him. “Because… we weren’t right for each other Alyx. We tried making it work,”

“I tried and then you gave up on me!” tears stung his vision and he couldn’t stop his voice from cracking. 

Once more Morrigan sighed. “I know and I’m sorry about that,” her voice grew softer and even now he could tell that this wasn’t easy for her to do either. “But it was never you, Alyx. You weren’t difficult to love and you won’t be. I’m sorry for hurting you the way that I did and I’m sorry for making you think differently.”

Part of him knew that she was going to say that, he knew her well of course. Spent time getting to know her and how she spoke and how she felt. He knew, could hear in the way that she said it, see in the way her face twisted in hurt, and in the way that she couldn’t look him in the eyes because she could never look him in the eyes when they needed to speak candidly that she meant it. And it should have brought him solace. He spent years thinking that he’d done something wrong. That he was some kind of heavy burden to her and by extension to anyone else which he would have possibly learned to love. So why didn’t it make him feel any better to hear the words? 

“But I loved you Morrigan,” he spoke softly. “I wanted to be with you. To make you happy,”

“You made me happy Alyx. The time I spent with you was incredible. But I didn’t know what I wanted before. It wasn’t fair to you,” her voice went soft as well and Alyx reached up and wiped the tears forming in his eyes. “You loved me so openly, so fiercely and passionately. It terrified me in a way. I couldn’t love you in nearly the same way that you did me, so I decided that it would have been better if we weren’t together anymore. I didn’t want to take advantage of your love.”

That made sense to him and as he heard her say it, he could see the memories within his mind. She did love him then, and it was never a lie that he could imagine. He hoped that none of it ever was. But she was right, it was not fair to him to give so much of himself to her and not get the same in return. Lovesick as he was, Alyx could tell that even then it was not the same. He always gave more than what he got in return. Those words made something settle within him as he looked at her. He'd spent years thinking that he was wrong over something that she never explained to him. Years that were wasted living in the past trying to devise some form of answer. Anything that would be able to give him peace. To set him free. Morrigan cleared her throat softly as he inhaled slowly and held the breath within his chest for a few seconds. 

“Are you happy now?” he finally asked after thirty seconds of silence had settled between them both. 

“I am,” Morrigan answered with a small smile on her face and he could hear the truth in it. 

Even if it's not me, I really am glad you’re happy he told himself as he looked at her. The emotions in his chest were strange but in a good way. As though for the very first time Alyx had breathed clearly in years. So caught up he was trying to quantify this new feeling, he didn’t hear the woman in front of him. 

“Alyx?” 

“I’m sorry, I spaced out,”

“Are you happy?”

He considered lying about it, but he was a terrible liar and that went double when it came to Morrigan. “No. I’m not,”

“Is it because of me?” she wondered and he didn’t want to tell her that the answer to that question was of course. That she was the root cause of his lament and anguish. That the knowledge she had replaced him so soon after she deciding that he was not what she wanted destroyed him. But he was a terrible liar. 

“Yes,” Alyx whispered and he felt guilty even saying that much. 

Morrigan stood slowly and he followed suit as she gestured for the door. He’d already been here close to an hour, the time escaping him as it always did when they were together. He followed her out but as he left Alyx felt the gentle pressure on his wrist. He turned slowly and looked at Morrigan and her bright silver eyes shone like stars. The pressure tightened as she squeezed on his wrist and shook it carefully. For once, her eyes did not shy away from his and he could not be the one to look away first. 

“Promise me Alyx,”

“Promise you?” he echoed and she nodded. 

“I want you to be happy. To find love. To move on. Let me go.”

Alyx stared at her for another breath and he could feel the slight tug pull up on his lips. “Promise.”

With that, Morrigan let him go and he made his way towards his car and the door closed behind him; the locks clicking into place as he walked away. Alyx was happy for it however, this conversation that he had with Morrigan. She finally laid to rest the past that haunted him so badly. For the first time, Alyx could feel the cracks in his heart, the hole in the shape of Morrigan Avros, begin to mend. It would not be easy of course, it would take time until he was really able to keep up his end of the promise but he was going to do his very best to start. 

After years of being shackled by things that had long since happened, Alyx Felspring had finally been set free.