'Holding on or letting go?'

'Holding on or letting go?'

My vision was blurred. Tears had collected in my eyes. I knew I could not afford to let them fall down, after all, she was watching me. I looked at her face, it was blank as if she was used to it. I don’t know if that should make me relieved or concerned. I was lost in my thoughts when I realized the ambulance had stopped. I very carefully lifted her as if she was a flower a slight pressure would break her. Dr. Singh came running towards us and asked the nurse to put her on the stretcher. After that, the events happened too fast. I started to get this foggy feeling at the back of my head right before it fully hit me. In no time I found myself standing in front of the closed gates of the Emergency room. Once again. There was a constant tightness in my chest, my palms were sweaty and it felt like I was drowning in the water. I held my hands together to pray and as I was begging Him, A strong sense of déjà vu took in, it made me more and more helpless. Was He even listening?                         

The tic-tic of the watch was like a time bomb to me. After two long hours, the gate opened. Dr. Singh came out, the expression on his face gave me chills. Please say everything is going to be ok. Please.

“Mr. Charles, I need to have a talk with you”. What was that! What talk? Why are my legs shaking? I followed him to his cabin. I saw a skeleton hanging on the wall, “She looks the same", I mumbled. "Please sit Mr. Charles”                                                             

“What is it? She is going to be fine right ?”, I asked, almost stammering.                

 “Mr. Charles, I am going to be very honest with you, Angel’s condition is critical. I allowed you to take her home because she was feeling depressed but this time it is serious. We have done everything we could and I know she is in pain. Unbearable pain”

I got the hint, ‘UNBEARABLE’.

“I am sorry but you have to make a decision.”

“Decision?” I asked, though somewhere I knew the answer but still wanted myself to be proven wrong.

“Of holding on or letting go."

‘HOLDING ON OR LETTING GO!’, the words fell on my ears as arrows, it would have been so easy to stop listening and not hearing anything. I was trembling like a leaf. I was feeling regretful, dejected, angry, demented, and anxious at the same time and all this time my eyes were fixed on the skeleton.

I went to her, my legs were heavy, it felt as if I was dragging them. She was lying on the bed, eyes fixed on the television. I sat beside her and caressed her hair, few came in my hands. I don't know if it was inhuman of me to wish my wife was here with me, I needed someone to talk to, someone to support me. It took me some time to speak as I was building up sentences in my head.

“Angel?”

She did not respond. I continued with my voice almost breaking, “Does it pain?”

“A little”

A little? Was she trying to console me? It made me feel more dejected and hopeless.

“Do you want to fight and stay with dad or go and meet mom ?”. I said it! No, how could I say this? My heart is aching so bad. How can a father make his child choose whether to live or die? I was feeling pathetic.

“Mom”, she whispered.

Mom? Why is this heavenly word sounding so cruel? Was the pain too much to handle? She was not looking at me, I couldn’t tell whether she was crying or not, and also I did not have the courage to look her in the eyes. Dr. Singh came in, he looked at me. I knew what he was asking but making the decision was difficult. Almost impossible. The dilemma was too much for me. My heart was beating fast and my ears ringing. It was hurting so much, I don’t know where but it was. The memories of the past started flashing before me, the day Lisa died, she asked me to look after Angle and I knew I terribly failed. I looked at Angle, the needles poked into her fragile wrists, her lips were dry and skin was pale, faint moanings could be heard as she breathed. I don't know why but all I could notice was the cruelty and pain she was going through. I took in a deep breath and answered, “She misses her mom”. Dr. Singh understood. 

People say sadness passes with time but what about grief? Believe me, they are two very different words. It has been two years but to date, my head is full of questions and dilemmas.        

 ‘What if I had not given up? Would she have been alive and happy by now? Was I right? Is she happy with her mother in heaven? Is she still in pain?'

My heart still aches and always will. The feeling of her tiny fingers holding my thumb is still there. She and my wife visit me in my dreams and tell me the words I want to hear to ease my pain. Maybe He did listen to my prayers and answered them by taking away her pain forever. I know it is going to be difficult and these endless and unanswerable questions will always haunt me and my life is never going to be the same but when I look at the sky, I can visualize them smiling at me, a smile I could never witness when she was alive and this gives me the hope and strength to carry on. Every small event reminds me of them. Somewhere I feel comforted because I know that Angel is not alone and neither is her mom. Yes, there are moments when I blame myself and want to die but then I realize that I have to live, I have to live for her.