The Red Glow

I stared at the creases which scattered my cold, crisp palms and rubbed them together to create friction, the heat died in my hands. The beautiful evening sun set was shining upon my face, the star wept tears of golden light across the sky and the pure glow fell in droplets from the trees, scattering across my skin like sun kisses. I tried to hold the sunlight in my hands, to feel the warmth in my touch, to feel the comfort of a friend, but it was out of my grasp. All I felt was the dry skin which speckled my arms and loneliness of the dying sun leaving me behind.

The willow tree I sat beneath drooped in the shining rays of light, the burden of life clung to each leaf but freedom rung as the green stars fell down to greet me. Their choice to leave behind the roots they have made and leap into the unknown for one taste of freedom before they cripple and wither away into the many leaves that lay at rest beneath me. They cast shadows across my face as they wisp in the wind, but the sunshine flame still burns through their flesh and I see their new beginning.

My knees are pulled tightly to my chest, I hug myself in a desperate attempt to feel love. The warmth of my own skin, the heat of my body, the love I feel for myself. But I feel deathly cold. I shiver in the whispering wind as it blows past my ears and I cling to myself tighter. I see my dry, freckly arms, my loose shorts against my legs, my blue toes, and my shredded fingers. The remains of a great war spread across my fingertips; strips of skin peeled away from the nail bed and dried auburn blood embedded into the wounds. The light shone down on them in a spotlight, tormenting me on what I had done to myself. The orange shine highlighted the sunken, tattered hands which now clung to my frail body.

I lay my head back against the wilted leaves and stretched my body out to feel a sense of relief. The light now glowed upon my whole figure, the dips and grooves of hatred which burned into my flesh cast aglow by the heavens, they were on show for mockery. The wind couldn’t bare the sight of me, it flew past in disgust; the leaves falling from the trees followed and turned their spiny backs to me; the water from my eyes didn’t even want to remain apart of me and slowly ran down my face to escape the foul body which they were trapped in.  The light however remained, it shone on me as one last hope, the sun slowly falling from the sky was my last friend and she had witnessed my suffering.

I rolled over onto my stomach and felt the click of bones in my knees as they battled each other. I lay my sunken cheek onto the dry, crispy leaves and felt their scratches and cuts of revulsion as my hollow body lay limp against them. Across my vision I saw small creatures weaving in and out of the debris, working towards something, wanting to get home, wanting to be alive. Hiding beneath twigs and moss for shelter, hiding from the flames of light which might burn them, hiding from the glow which could uncover them, hiding in fear from the fire of truth.

I lay wide in the open, no part of me in the shadows, I knew the truth and I wasn’t afraid.

The red light came upon my feet as it sluggishly crawled along the ground, it was almost gone, the candle almost burnt out. I grasped my head in my skeleton hands and screamed a silent cry of help, I shook with pure dread. Tears poured from my squinted eyes, I wanted it to be over, I wanted the pain to end. The light edged towards my knobbly knees and set alight the bruises which patched my skin and littered my once perfect body. My breath became heavy in-between my wails and moans. I need help. I need someone to hold.

The loathing hung from my shoulders like a cloak, I lay crippled beneath it to hide the pain, to let people believe I was okay. The cloak slowly began to blow away in the breeze, the true reveal behind the mysterious disguise became observed by the sun. Frail, cold, hollow, sunken, and hurt, my shame spread across the floor and last threads of hope sinking beneath the horizon line.

I lay naked to the sun. Raw. I was seen for the first time for what I truly was, a mistake. I wasn’t supposed to lie with the leaves, I wasn’t supposed to stand with the trees, I wasn’t supposed to fly with the wind, and I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I didn’t belong. The blood red light swept across my thighs and up my hips, casting shadows where flesh should be, but only hideous guilt sat.

I choked on my own words, I coughed up my lies and I threw up my horrid words. I had told them I was fine; I had told them I would be better; I had been so mean. Blamed them for what I had done, for what I had become. I wanted to hold them, feel their warmth, and grasp their hands in mine. I wanted a hug but all I had was the arms of death wrapped around my shoulders.

The fire spread to my chest and neck. The time had almost come. I held my hands together for comfort, like they were someone else’s who cared for me, but they weren’t. I had pushed them all away in the desire to be left alone, to be hidden from the words of others.

I held my own hand as the red glow engulfed my whole body and my last tear wept from my eye. The time had come, I would relieve them of the weight they carried, I swallowed the pill that lay on my tongue. The sun dipped finally behind the horizon and I lay there in the jet black darkness of death.