The Star That Falls Unseen

“To the someone

who reads by flashlight

who sees dragons in the clouds

who feels most alive in worlds that never were

who knows magic is real

who dreams

This is for you...Mom.”

-Cienna Johnson

Stars Can Mean So Much

I remember…

I remember…

I remember…

That’s what everyone says, but “remembering” can’t and won’t bring my mom, or my soon-to-be little sister back.

Sometimes I just sit in my room, lying in my bed, thinking about how I will never see my mom laughing...or crying again, how I will never get to see my baby sister’s little hands and feet. On those days I just let myself feel depressed because I do feel a little better after a while.

I remember though that I was staying home with my favorite babysitter Maia. She’s really tall- and as my 4-year-old self would say, she could touch the moon if she wanted to- with honey-brown hair, green-brown eyes, and a boyfriend. I remember loving to tease her about him, but I had to agree that he was nice. He once came over and he was even taller than Maia (probably tall enough to climb onto and stand on the moon) with green eyes, ginger hair, and freckles. He only stopped by though because he works at American Eagle in the mall.

Me and Maia were playing our favorite game of hide-and-seek when I heard her answer her phone, “Hello, who is this?”

“... Yes, Dannys’ here… Yeah, sure.” She put her phone down, and called me over, “Danny, come here… She’s coming, what did you need to tell her again…”

And, what we heard next was unforgettable. “I’m sorry, Danny was it? Well, there’s no easy way to say this…” Even though the phone was on the speaker we both leaned in to listen. “Danny, your mom died in a car crash on the way to the hospital… Your mom was in labor, but the baby didn’t make it.” After a few moments of silence, the lady said, “I’m sorry for your loss…” and then hung up before I could ask about my dad. We both sat there for several heartbeats then Maia burst into tears, but I was too confused to be sad- I mean, I was only four, too young to even know how to count really, or that the moon wasn’t really made out of cheese.

After an hour of watching Maia sob, my dad came home with my grandpa. And, Maia went home, still crying.

I ran outside to meet them, already guessing why Dad needed to be picked up by Gramps.

I tried to run into his arms, so he could throw me around like he normally did, but instead, he sort of walked around me and into the house, so Grandpa picked me up instead.

“Gramps?” I whispered, cupping my hands around his ear like I normally do when I ask a question.

“Yes,” he asked back, taking my hands in his.

“Why is Daddy sad?”

Grandpa looked at me in a way I thought he never could or would, a look filled with grief and despair. “Well…” he started, scratching his head for a moment, “Well, sweetie, when you love someone and they pass, it’s hard to move on from it, so Dads’ just going to be a little sad for a while… Okay?”

I tried to wrap this around my head, but Daddy was never sad.

After Dinner (Which like most 4-year-olds, I didn't eat, because I wanted ice cream instead, I mean, come on, broccoli?)

“Goodnight, Daddy,” I said as he kissed me goodnight.

“Huh? Oh, yea… Goodnight.” Then he turned off the light, forgetting to shut the door how I like it, so as I get up to fix it and I heard a noise in the hallway. I peeked out of my room to see what it is- probably the cat getting stepped on again, I think. I remembered when I thought that would be fun, I did it and in the process, I broke a lamp, so my mom sat me down to talk about no stepping on the cat. (Although, I thought it was the cat's fault in the first place that the lamp broke)- but, it wasn't the cat, it was Dad, looking at pictures, wedding pictures, and he was talking softly around his sobs.

“Oh, honey… What am I going to do without you? You kept this family together, and now I have to take care of Danny and Dad all by myself... I don't know how to do this,” he admitted. And then he broke into a sea of tears.

Later that night, when I went to bed, I thought of all the stuff I don’t remember, but I do remember when my parents would sit in a daisy field, outside our house underneath a blanket of stars, and now I don’t think that will ever happen, so that night I went to bed in a blanket of darkness.

And, that’s why stars can mean so much…

Parents in the Moon

10 years later

“Buzz, buzz,” my alarm clock annoyingly went at seven in the morning. I lazily rolled over, not wanting to get up just yet. But after 5 minutes I finally turned off my alarm and got out of bed.

I finally get dressed in a comfy pair of mom jeans and an oversized graphic t-shirt and throw my long brown hair in a messy bun. Then I grab my backpack and glasses and head downstairs.

Over these 10 years, Maia has been “adopted” into our family, so she takes care of me now. When I get downstairs she’s already waiting for me. She has almost the same light ripped jeans on with an oversized graphic tee. If you didn’t look closely, you would think we’re sisters. But I have green eyes and I wear gold-rimmed glasses...kind of like Harry Potter!

We’re about to walk outside when everything all of a sudden goes black.

I’m in a place where I can’t be harmed, a place of peace. But...where am I? Just because I can't be harmed doesn't mean that I'm safe...

But, then I slowly start to forget everything that’s been bothering me for the last 10 years. My dad and his depression, Maia and her new drinking addiction, my grades, making friends, impressing my teachers, and when I’ll be able to see my mom again, but I guess that day was today.

I squint my eyes shut as a blinding light comes upon me, then I see them… a woman with the same long brown hair as me and a little girl with my bright, lively green eyes.

I burst into tears and run towards them, and as I feel their embrace, I close my eyes and breath in the sweet flowery scent of my mother.

I feel her pull me back and inspect me, just like she would when I would fall at the park. Then she hugs me again.

Now I’m crying rivers. So happy, but scared this is all a dream, and I’ll wake up to everything coming at me at once. But for now, I just stand here, never wanting this moment to end...but I guess my legs might get tired, and that’s when I realize, I can’t even feel my legs.

“Mom,” I ask.

She looks at me, “Yes?”

“I missed you,” and as I say those words, the scene fades away, and I’m in a hospital room. With beeping machines, a crying Maia, and paranoid doctors.

I cough, and say, “Maia?”

She turns and screams, “Danny! You're okay...right?”

I nod, and she squeezes me so tightly I'm surprised I can still breathe.

As she hugs me, I’m reminded of my recent visit to Heaven, and then I realize the thing I’ve been worrying about most, Maia replacing Mom, but she hasn’t replaced her, I realize, she’s only a comfort until I can move on.

To be continued...?