Waiting on an Answer

Are you there God? It's me... your child. Am I your child? Because I do not feel like your child right now. Aren't you supposed to be there for your children? Aren't you supposed to help them? Reassure them? Make sure they know that everything is okay? Well, it doesn't seem like that's what you've been doing. Maybe I am just too far away and I can't hear you. Maybe I've closed a door and I just can't see you. Well, whatever it is... are you still there? Because right now, at this point in my life I'm stuck and need help. I came to this place thinking I was doing what I needed to do for myself and my family, of course. But now it feels like I'm being pulled in the opposite direction of where I was trying to go. These weren't my intentions. I keep trying to practice patience because, "God is not going to give you patience, he's going to give you things to help you become more patient". At least that's the quote everyone has been telling me. Well, I've had all the practice I could possibly get and I think I get it now. I'm all patienced out, if that's even a word. I know good things have come from being here. I have helped people, I have grown, and I have learned so much about myself that I wouldn't have anywhere else. This place has brought out some of the better parts of me. And for that I'm grateful. But the light is slowly dimming and some of the worst parts of me want to slip between the cracks. I'm not allowing them to, but they're at the surface and I keep pushing them back into the dark. Why? Maybe this place is bringing out the worst in me. I don't want to be here anymore! Are you still there God? Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! Don't you get where I'm coming from?! I get it. I prayed for this. I asked for this. I wanted to be here. Well, this isn't how I thought it would be, and now I want out. Or at least a push in the right direction. Something. Anything. I miss my family and I feel like I'm missing out on being there with them. I'm not there to help like I used to be. Is this place really going to better me? Is this place really going to set me up for success? Or is it going to make me resentful for coming? "But you're part of the 1 percent!", everyone tells me. "You should be so proud!". Yea. I should be. And don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself. This place, this job, it isn't for everyone. I thought, if I could do this, then I could do anything I put my mind to! I can set myself up for success! But right now, it feels like I'm slowly losing my mind day by day. This place is draining. Mentally. Emotionally. I thought this is what I wanted. Is it still what I want? Maybe. I don't know. ...God? Are you still there? Sigh. I should be grateful. I shouldn't complain so much. So many people in the world have it so much worse than me. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, water to drink, a family that loves and cares about me, yet here I am. Complaining again, like I always do. I don't like to complain. I like to be positive and optimistic about things. But now all I do is try to get through the day, with no expectations that anything great is going to happen. Hell, I even keep myself up at night worrying that the worst possible things could happen. But I shouldn't think that way. I know I shouldn't. Things will get better. It can't rain forever. "This too shall pass...". Right? Isn't that what someone said long ago? I don't know. But just wait, you'll see. Come Monday, I'll be positive again. I'll have this great outlook on the week like something is going to change. Like maybe I'll get some news that I've been waiting on. Maybe I'll be with my family again soon, or maybe I'll actually get an appointment I've been waiting months for that no one seems to care about because do the people actually care here? I mean let's be real. But, just maybe I'll finally get out of here, get settled, have my medical needs taken care of, this will be a thing of the past, and I'll be happy. Will I be happy? When all this is said and done and I get what I wanted all along, will I be happy? Hello? Are you still there God? It's me... whoever I am. I still feel like I'm trying to figure that part out. No, wait. I need to stop. Why do I think like that? I know who I am. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom, a friend, and more. I'm just going through a rough patch. I'm going through a time in my life that is necessary. A time when I can figure my life out. Figure out exactly what I want and what I need to do. And although I hate it here right now, eventually it has got to lead me somewhere, right? Somewhere I'll love. Somewhere I'll feel fulfilled. Somewhere I'll be so happy I won't be questioning myself anymore. I just need to get to that point. I just need to make it there. It's so close. I know it is because I can almost feel it. Are you there God? Can you tell me how much longer this is going to take? Can you tell me that I'll be happy on the other side of this? ...Yea... I didn't think so. But it's okay. I'll find my way and figure out this crazy thing called life someday. Maybe I'll hear from you soon. I hope I do.

-Kameron