If I Should Die Before I Wake

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Suicide, violence, body horror

==========

March 4th, 2016, First Attempt.

It's Fyrex's birthday today, and I'm in charge of getting doughnuts. I'll have to leave early and swing by the bakery on my way over to the Hub.

Haven't heard of anything brewing today. We'll see, maybe I'll just get to enjoy a regular afternoon -- Angel told me she and Attacksia are planning to get together and watch a movie tonight, so I might tag along for that!

Anyway, heading out now.

===

March 4th, 2016, Second Attempt.

Hit by a car on Second at around 0740. It took the corner too fast while I was crossing and threw me into a lamppost. No-one else should need to be saved, fortunately, so I'll just avoid it.

===

March 4th, 2016, Third Attempt.

Well, there was a kid in the bicycle lane. That blasted car slammed into him instead. Threw him like a rag doll. I ran home and took my vial immediately.

I'm going to call Angel and Gladiator to see if one of them can stop the car today.

*

Success! Glad was able to net it before it got to the corner. The driver was a kid himself. According to Glad, he kept saying he "had to get away", that "they could taste him". Poor kid was probably high or something.

*

No major hero-work today, thank heaven. I did end up spending half the day doing clerical work for Mindkind (we are still behind after Miss Taker flipped out on Valentine's Day and tried to teleport every man she saw into a pocket dimension). De facto secretary to the rescue, I guess, even though it's technically Attacksia... To be fair, I am the closest to "normal" of us all, so it does make sense to have the squishy tactician do the paperwork rather than the girl who can paralyse with a punch.

Fyrex almost set Angel's costume on fire (he was making a dragon out of fire and didn't realise how close she was), but otherwise the party went well. Us three girls stayed at the hub this evening to watch our movie. Attacksia did our nails, which was a treat.

Third time was the charm, today.

===

March 5th, 2016, First Attempt.

Nothing much today, either. Saturday, so the Hub will probably be somewhat empty except for me and Gladiator (I'm still working on my strength training, to hopefully become a less squishy tactician). I'd swear the man kept a gym or something before his powers manifested, but of course he can't tell me if I'm right.

*

Trouble is brewing. Glad thought the TV was just glitching out, but I don't think so. There were shadows moving how they shouldn't be on a live news report. I don't know...I don't like it.

First time was the charm, today.

===

March 6th, 2016, First Attempt.

Turned on the news while I was getting dressed and again, too many shadows. The male anchor looks ill and the female anchor looks skittish. Something is definitely wrong. Heading to the Hub now.

*

Everyone else is here too. We've all seen it somewhere, the shadows that aren't right. We haven't been able to pin down who's doing it yet, but it seems like somebody's starting to manifest abilities that...well, either they can't control or they don't care to. I'm going to go home and drink my vial and see if I can notice anything more if I Loop.

===

March 6th, 2016, Second Attempt.

Watched TV obsessively today. I can't tell who's doing this. It doesn't look like it's tied to anyone in particular, at least not on camera.

Mindkind called and told me everyone else is going to be staying at the Hub until we know what's going on. I'm going to grab my vial and a few journals and go over myself.

*

It's late. I haven't been able to figure anything else out.

Second time was the charm, today.

*

Never mind. I can't sleep. I'm out on a couch in the main area, with a lamp on and some tea. Everyone else is in their rooms.

I need to think. Writing helps me think. It feels like I'm putting part of myself into the paper. Maybe that's why every Loop my writing stays, but electronics reset.

I used to love video games. Now I don't play anymore, since I never end up being able to make progress. I like movies and books though. Especially books. Books are Right.

My tea is gone. I should try to sleep again.

Second time was the charm, today.

===

March 7th, 2016, First Attempt.

All news channels are empty. There are shadows moving along the walls in a way they shouldn't be. They're all heading in the same direction, so I guess that's where we'll have to go too.

Everyone keeps glancing at me like I've got some brilliant plan. I don't. I have no idea what I'm doing yet, what with it only being day one. It usually takes a couple days before I know what I'm doing.

I hate the first day. There's always so much that goes wrong.

Anyway, time to put on a brave face and my earpiece and go pretend to direct a battle.

===

March 7th, 2016, Second Attempt.

We followed the shadows to the centre of town. They were pouring along the walls like ink, this silent mass of Wrongness. I kept us all together at first. I don't know how these things work, yet -- I'd rather not be splitting up until I know it won't get us killed.

Anyway, they were all congealing around this one figure in the middle of town. They were slithering over him, slimy and black, crawling in every orifice they could find, and as more and more arrived he kept growing darker, from the inside out.

There was so much screaming.

Eventually he started gagging before finally retching this black smoke onto the ground, and it wafted up into his eyes. These tendrils of smoke were trickling off him, and when his eyes went...well, he stood up and suddenly there were shadows streaming towards us from his arm.

We didn't stand a chance.

Today, going to try taking him down before the shadows take hold. We shall see.

===

March 7th, 2016, Third Attempt.

Did not work. Shadows ate us. Trying again, Fyrex and Angel from the sides this time.

===

March 7th, 2016, Fourth Attempt.

Nope, though it went a little better. I was able to escape this time. Took my vial. Trying again. Have more ideas. Going to log them in a separate journal to keep clutter down.

I can do this.

===

March 7th, 2016, Fifth Attempt.

I'm feeling...a strange sort of determined optimism, I guess. The only other truly complex fight I've had to choreograph so far was that one against Bloodbone, and just...I have so many ideas. So many variables, so many things to try.

I can save my friends. I will.

===

March 7th, 2016, Sixth Attempt.

Made it farther than we have yet. Only 4 died, Mindkind and myself were able to escape the battle proper (though he was devoured within minutes and I was caught shortly after that).

I'm going to start taking my vial with me. Getting eaten by a shadow is awful.

===

March 7th, 2016, 10th Attempt.

Died: Fyrex, Gladiator, Angel.

Escaped but caught: Mindkind.

Escaped: Attacksia, myself.

===

March 7th, 2016, 17th Att.

Died: Fyrex, Angel.

EBC: Mindkind, Attacksia.

Escaped: Gladiator, myself.

===

March 7th, 2016, 19th Att.

Died: Fyrex, Mindkind.

Escaped: everyone else.

===

March 7th, 2016, 25th Att.

Only Fyrex died today. We still haven't been able to beat this guy, but we'll get there. We have to. There has to be some way to do this.

I have to be able to save them.

===

M 7th 16 34 Att

Fyrex still dying every time. I can't keep him alive for some reason. Maybe he's just in the way and doesn't need to be there.

===

M 7th 16 96 Att

Tried without Fyrex...several times. Never worked. Never got as far. Have to put him back in.

I have to be able to do this. I have to be able to win this.

===

M 7th 16 102 Att

I'm not usually this remiss about writing here, but it's hard to write your thoughts and feelings when it doesn't really seem to do much.

It's been over three months now. I'm still playing with variables and outcomes, but it's really hard to not be getting discouraged. I'm tired.

===

M7.16.113

The others have started asking me if I'm okay. Apparently I don't look okay anymore.

===

M7.16.120

So tired.

===

M7.16.124

We've made it farther than we ever have. Fyrex has died every day so far, but I can pretty consistently get everyone else out. I just need to iron out the kinks and save him too.

===

M7.16.139

I got everyone out yesterday. It wasn't a success. The Shadow escaped the centre of town and went on something of a rampage. I had Angel track it. She said it was heading towards the radio tower and absorbing anyone else it happened across, including people in cars. She said we had lost anywhere between 1,000 and 3,000 civilians by the time it reached the tower.

It climbed to the top and just...held on, according to Angel. I had Gladiator check our own radio, there were black tendrils seeping out. It was at that point I took my vial -- I couldn't risk it contaminating me before I could Loop.

I need to try again. Regrouping and stopping it later is...not an option.

===

M7.16.205

Fyrex killed it and died in the process. Shadows dissipated and vanished. Sent everyone else to monitor camera feeds etc. Around half the town is missing their shadows and seem pale and weak, but everyone else looks okay (albeit rather rattled).

I feel like we've actually made a little progress, though we still don't know what made this happen. I'm going to Loop and see if we can determine what's causing this.

===

M7.16.213

Been able to piece a bit more together. The shadows are coming from all over town, but it seems that the man they end up taking over is a victim of someone else's powers, rather than someone manifesting his own. I don't know who is sending them or why this individual was selected.

Unfortunately, the man turns too quickly for us to be able to ignore him without massive loss of civilian life, so I think that for now I need to focus on killing the symptom before I can deal with the disease.

That's a problem for tomorrow...if tomorrow ever comes.

===

M7.16.243

I've nailed down the procedure to kill him, but Fyrex keeps dying. I need to keep tweaking.

I have to do this. There has to be a way...

===

M7.16.266

Mindkind pulled me aside today to ask if I'm doing okay.

I lied.

Then he asked how many times I'd Looped (he's the only one who knows what I'm actually capable of -- the others just think I'm a precog).

I didn't answer.

===

M7.16.278

I'm 3 months away from a year. This is the longest I've ever Looped.

I'm so tired.

===

M7.16.300

I can't stop him from dying.

This isn't right. This isn't how this is supposed to go. The only reason I'm here is because I can stop things like this from happening. That's literally my one ability. I can't fly, I can't shoot fire, I can't even throw a punch without hurting myself more than my opponent. All I have is being able to come back, and a whole bunch of books.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this, but I can't stop, either. I can't give up. If I give up then it stays this way forever.

I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up.

===

M7.16.333

I talked to Mindkind and asked what I should do. He gave me a couple suggestions. I'll try those next...

===

M7.16.351

I know the music. I know the steps. I know the dance. I think at this point I'm just praying for a different outcome to the same routine...

===

M7.16.365

Which is worse? Letting someone die that I might've been able to save, or holding the rest of the world in limbo and never giving them tomorrow while I try to save one man?

===

M7.16.388

I didn't know what else to do. I talked to Fyrex.

He listened. He didn't look at me like I was crazy. He didn't tell me I needed a vacation. He just listened. And then that stupid man told me to let him die.

I was so angry I almost cried. He was supposed to tell me how to fix things, not tell me to give up.

He told me I'd tried, but there was clearly only so much I could do. He told me that if he needs to die to bring this thing down, then that's his duty and he would rather die saving the world than live in a world that's not allowed to move on.

I told him it's my duty to save everyone, and that if he didn't have any useful ideas I was going to keep trying on my own until I got it right.

He just stared blankly for a minute, and then he nodded.

I hid in the bathroom to cry and to write this down. I need to go now and try again.

===

M7.16.389

That obnoxious man, he wrote himself a note. He came up and told me I need to let him sacrifice himself, and that it has to be me directing him because I'm the one who knows the rest of the battle.

I refused.

He turned and walked away without another word.

===

M7.16.390

The whole battle fell apart last time. Fyrex let himself die too early.

He asked me again to let him die.

I shouldn't have told him anything.

===

M7.16.400

Same story. Things keep falling apart because Fyrex knows.

I can't save him if he won't let me.

I think I have to let him go.

Not today. Next Loop. I'm out of time today.

===

M7.16.401

When Fyrex came to me this morning, I gave in. I told him that if he listens to me and does as I say, his sacrifice can win us the battle.

He agreed.

I cried.

*

It's over. We won.

I said goodbye to Fyrex after I gave him his last instructions. He smiled at me. Then he died.

The others are doing surveillance right now; as far as we know, whoever truly controlled the shadows is still out there. I have a crap ton of paperwork to start on tomorrow, and I'll need to debrief with Mindkind.

Right now, though, I'm on the couch in the Hub with a cup of tea. Mindkind said I'd probably earned a break.

I'm going to sleep tonight.

Four hundred and first time was the charm, today.

We'll finally move on to tomorrow.