Late night ponder

Sonder— the realization that everyone around you is living life as vividly as you are. I stumbled across this word a while ago and quite frankly it is incredibly insightful as well as beautiful. It’s clear that Mike’s life is as vivid—maybe more so—as mine. But why does it feel like it isn’t? Can someone just ignore how vivid their life's and continue myopically? 

For example, I am trying to understand that in his book about his life I might be a brief chapter or even a side character not even worth mentioning, I’m trying to understand that for Mike I might not exist or if I do then just to boost his ego. Hear me out, I give him everything he needs. I listen, offer advice, care for him, and love him unconditionally. Sometimes it feels like I’m a mere toy and going to be thrown away once he gets bored of me. Seriously, how can someone be so clueless about what other people are feeling? I told him, the other day, to look up the word sonder. I don’t think he did. It was another situation where he says that he did, but in reality, forgot about it. Oh, and every time he says that there is something I should watch, I do. Only because I want to understand him and his reality. I feel like the more I would understand how he thinks and goes through life, the more I could understand what he goes through or what kind of insecurities he might be projecting on arguments. The constant effort I put into this relationship is really tiresome, you know. Mike, he has everything. He runs his company with an iron fist, he has great friends and an exciting hobby. He loves airsoft—and he is super good at it, too. Whenever we go somewhere, he is always the talk of the party; so amazing, so handsome, so thoughtful, so successful. He says he loves me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel loved. 

I shouldn’t complain, I know. “I hit the jackpot”, they say to me. All I can think about is the emotional roller coaster I ride day in and day out. Does he want me? Am I still desirable? Will he abandon me? Am I good enough? To be fair, he might be the one making me feel like that, but doesn’t it stem from my childhood? IF so, then how is one supposed to deal with all that? If I would ask for constant assurance that it is good, then he might get annoyed after a while. If I voice all my insecurities, he might get worried he says something wrong around me—walking on eggshells around someone is not something I want either. So, what can I do? I think of him and how he sees his world. I think of what he feels and what influences his experience in life. I think of us and where I want to end up. I think of everything. 

When I think of his life, it feels like everything in his life is more vivid than I am. I think that he looks at me and everything turns gray. He seems happier when he looks at his car or airsoft gun. Am I being taken for granted? I just wish that sometimes it would be about me. For my whole life, it has never been about me. Maybe one day it will change. But hey, it shouldn’t be all about Mike. I matter, too. To think about it, maybe I could manage to be my own center of happiness and worth. Pondering about it all now, I feel like I have been so dependent on everyone else's opinion of me and I have never really considered that I merely have to be happy with myself. Maybe that is why my life doesn’t seem to be vivid? Maybe that is why I think he doesn’t look at me the way I hope to be looked at. The insecurities might be clouding my judgment. Maybe Mike was right, I am only seeing negative because that is what I grew up with and that is what I expect to see. I think he is right. I can work on that. 

How does one begin? From the beginning? And if that is the case, then where is the beginning? Why do we people even care about what other people think? Like Mike says, I might get too philosophical sometimes, but is it because of the society we live in? How did our society even got the point wherein we care about the likes we get? Or about who viewed our profile? What someone commented? Or who didn't comment? Why do we need that short-term gratification? I have always believed that being loved unconditionally and being able to love someone back unconditionally is the only gratification I would ever need. And now it turns out my own insecurities are popping up and prohibiting me from feeling eternal bliss. You know, sometimes oblivion is bliss. Our minds are weird and we honestly don't know how they work. I used to see only the positive parts of Mike and his effort. Maybe he is still trying and showing me love, but I refuse to see it due to my insecurities? I honestly don't know if he understands that my life is as vivid as his. However, I do hope that he knows that he is the biggest part of my book and I hope from the bottom of my heart that it will stay that way.

I might spend hours trying to see through his eyes and feeling like his side character, but maybe it really is because of me and my insecurities. If that is not the case, then I have made a huge mistake choosing who I want to be with. I hope by then it isn't too late. I hope that once I realize it wasn't me, I would have enough strength to stand up and walk away. I hope that at that moment I won't stay just because of the memories. I hope I will have enough strength to take the memories, cherish them, and still walk away. I hope I will be able to set myself as a priority.