10/27/21 - 9:11 am

At this point, I feel like if somebody hugged me long enough I would break down and cry my eyes out. If somebody just looked me in the eye everytime I said I was OK and told me "No you're not and that's ok" I would break down. I feel like I'm on a verge of a breakdown every single day. My days are getting worse and worse. I'm losing people in my life that I never wanted to lose. I'm being put in situations that I don't know how to handle. And it's getting overwhelming. I've almost cried I don't know how many times in class and I had to keep telling myself to hold it together. And everytime I get home I try to cry and let it out but nothing comes. Telling myself that I don't have to be strong isn't enough and it isn't helping. I feel rage and I'm angry and I'm sad and I just want to cry. But I can't. 

Yesterday, I was walking to class and this man just came out and said "hang in there" to me. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that. He had no idea that I wish I had people who would tell me that everyday. "Hang in there", "it's ok", "you don't have to keep holding your feelings in"... Because telling myself that makes it seem like a chore. I have to keep reassuring myself that I am enough because no one else will. I've had people walk into my life who said it at one point, but now I don't even know where they are anymore. So many friendships and relationships that I held dear to my heart gone because something wasn't working and we couldn't fix it. And those same people are the people who actually brightened my day when they spoke to me, when they looked at me, when they smiled and waved at me. And now they're gone my days are becoming more and more unbearable. 

Music helps sometimes. It gets my mind off of whatever problem life throws at me. But it doesn't help for long. Soon the lyrics start to have meaning and I think about whatever the problem is and I get sad all over again. If only people knew how much emotion I hold back everyday. If only people knew the face I put on everyday just to make it seem like I'm ok. But really... I'm not. And I'm dying BC the one person I want to talk to, the one person who might understand won't listen. It's funny how all I wanted, all I asked God for, was peace and he gave me turmoil instead. He gave me friendships that should've never lasted, relationships with people I should've never met, and agony with close bonds that broke because of one small incident. I just. Want. Peace and quiet. From all this. Mess.