Take This Journey With Me

“Where I come from, the past used to feel impossible to escape. But then, I slowly started to find hope. My mom and I are close now, but it wasn’t always that way.”

Caitlyn sighed and gave a small smile to her coworker, Ellie, who was starting to become her first real friend in Michigan. Ellie had noticed her sitting alone in the cafeteria about two months ago and boldly asked if she could join her. At first, Caitlyn was hesitant to say yes, but being that she was still struggling to fit in among her fellow nurses at a huge hospital, she agreed. They worked in different departments, Caitlyn in pediatrics and Ellie in the emergency room, so it was often hard to catch up at work. However, they’d exchanged phone numbers immediately after their first lunch meeting, and Caitlyn had finally opted to text Ellie and see if she wanted to have dinner when they had a night off. Now, they were on their first “friend date” and were happy to be spending time together in a restaurant without the interruptions of pagers and code team announcements.

It was also the first time Caitlyn was opening up to Ellie about where she came from. She’d moved to Michigan from Minnesota after feeling like she’d never completed her journey there, having dropped out of University of Michigan after one semester. She wanted a second chance now that she’d finished nursing school and had her mental health issues under control. Plus, Ann Arbor was a very livable area and she believed she could be at home there. 

“I think you told me your parents are divorced, right?” Ellie asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Oh, well that’s always complicated. Lots of people have divorced parents and have to deal with keeping both sides of the family happy and bouncing back and forth between homes when they’re kids.” 

“Yeah, well…my parents’ divorce isn’t that simple. My mom is an alcoholic. Although she’s in recovery now and has been for a while, it’s pretty much what ended the marriage. She became really depressed and withdrawn from us, she caused some financial damage, and she was hiding her addiction at work. None of her colleagues knew what she was doing behind closed doors. My brother Drew and I witnessed a lot of it at home. I used to hear her arguing with my dad or throwing up, or some nights she’d ignore us and just drink or sleep in another room. That is, if she came home or Dad didn’t get fed up and kick her out.”

“Anyway, Dad always said he wanted to make it work after she got back from rehab. She really seemed to know when she’d hit rock bottom and needed help, and she did wise up and vow to become more family-oriented. When she came home, though, it felt like they were two different people. They ended up mutually deciding to divorce. So, Mom moved out and Dad got temporary full custody, then eventually had primary. While Mom and I did find a new connection over time, it was also hard to get past all the stuff I saw and heard when she was drinking.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Ellie said, reaching for Caitlyn’s hand. “Sorry, I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“No, not at all.”

“The point is, I came to Michigan for college right after high school, but I only lasted one semester and dropped out. I got diagnosed with depression about three years after that, so sometimes I wonder if my illness showed itself earlier than my diagnosis. I was so happy to be away from the past that I thought everything would be OK, but I wasn’t ready to handle being on my own. I felt lost and unfocused, and my grades tanked as a result. I wanted to come back now that I’m an adult and experience life with a new perspective. I may not be able to go back to school, but I can still really feel like I’m starting over.” 

“So, are you close to your mom, or still somewhat distant?”

“It’s a little bit of both. Some days I feel really close to her and miss her, and other days I feel like I’m never going to recover and let go. I think moving away from my family will help with that self-discovery in a way.”

“This is too deep for a new friendship, isn’t it?” Caitlyn asked, feeling unsure of herself.

“I don’t think so,” Ellie replied. “There’s not a lot that scares me. I work in an emergency room, remember? I don’t know what it’s like in pediatrics, but at least downstairs, sometimes I feel like a social worker in a way. Especially considering we treat everybody. You never know what you’re going to get, and you can’t live in fear of what’s around the corner. Life’s messy and we all make mistakes and have skeletons.” 

“If you’re worried about telling me too much, don’t worry. You can change the subject or back off. I am curious about your mom, in a way. What’s she like these days?”

Caitlyn twirled her straw in her glass. “Underneath the addiction, she’s not a bad person. She’s a doctor; I was inspired to get into healthcare because of her actually, but I never wanted to do a medical residency.”

“Yeah, I can respect that. It’s way too taxing. What kind of medicine?”

“Family practice. She used to be really focused on work, and to an extent, she still is. But getting sober made her realize that she could’ve lost her whole family and everything that was important to her. She told me once she went to rehab and cleared her head, she decided to build a new life from scratch. She decided to work less hours while Drew and I were in school, and when he turned 18 himself, she started running a volunteer health clinic. She absolutely loves her work life now, and it’s even better now that she’s not hiding a drinking problem and trying to lie to others. She’s maintained sobriety for over ten years.”

“Wow. You must be proud.” Ellie said. 

“I’m even prouder of her for remarrying, actually. She used to say she never wanted to do that, that she was happy alone and taking care of herself so she could work on her recovery. But at church one week, she was talking to this guy—his name is Grant—and she told me he asked her out for coffee, just as friends. She was afraid to go with him, but I told her, you know, from what you told me he seems very kind and understanding, and you don’t have to tell him your life story on the first date. She agreed, and they had a good time. They went for coffee a few times after that, and then progressed to dinner, and she really started to see hope with him.” 

“Although when the time came where she felt she had to share her addiction, she was crying the night before they went out. She didn’t want to do it and wanted to cancel because she was worried he’d run.”

“The opposite happened, though. She called me the next day and she was so happy. Talked about how understanding Grant was when she told him, even if he was surprised at first. He said that whatever she needed to feel supported he wanted to help her. And he kind of said the same thing you just did: everyone has a past; everyone has secrets. But there’s nothing you can’t overcome if you love someone. They’ve been married for about a year now and she’s still over the moon. I don’t think either of them stopped smiling the whole wedding day.”

“We’ve all made our lives work. My dad is considering getting engaged to his new girlfriend too. I believe people can change. But when I was on my way to Michigan, I was wondering if I could too.”

Ellie looked up at Caitlyn. “Well, that depends on what you want to change in your life and why. Do you have concrete reasons and a plan? And personally…I think you’re great. You seem so compassionate and open-minded, you listen well, and you want to meet people. I am wondering, though…what are you looking for here that moving to, I don’t know…California…won’t give you?”

“I still want to be close to my family,” Caitlyn replied. “So as sunny as the West Coast is, I want to be able to fly or drive home and see them easily. I guess the other reason I want some space from them, though, is because I want to change the way I see my past. Mom and I may be getting along now, but it’s hard sometimes because I get flashbacks to when she was drinking. I know moving here won’t make the flashbacks go away, but if Mom and I don’t live too close together, maybe the wounds will feel less fresh. And I thought, if I come back to Michigan where I don’t really know anybody, I can work on building a life for myself that doesn’t include ‘adult child of a recovering alcoholic.’”

“I see,” Ellie nodded. “Life doesn’t work that way, though. If you want to move forward, you have to realize you can’t change the past. Even if you don’t tell everyone you meet about your mother, you’re always going to have that secret. You can’t just erase it or pretend it’s not who you are. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what are you going to do with that identity? You can bury it and ignore it, continuing to let the past eat at you, or you can decide it’s not going to define you and rebuild, similar to what your mom did. Look, if she can do it after all the damage she caused the family and your dad can find a new life…you can do this too.”

Caitlyn seemed uncomfortable and turned to look out a window. “Do you really think so? Or are you just being nice?”

“I believe in you. You came here looking for something new and better. While there are certainly people who move on a whim or look for an easy escape, I don’t think you’re one of them. Think about everything you’ve already been through and you’re still standing. You just need to take that step towards the life you deserve.”

“And besides, when the going gets tough, you’re going to need that friend who will bring over some snacks and watch movies with you, or take you out for some people watching, or just hold your hands and give you big hugs while you cry. I know I can be that friend to you, and after hearing what you’ve had to say, I want to support you. What do you think?”

“Hmm…:” Caitlyn scrunched up her nose while pondering Ellie’s offer. “Thanks for not saying bottle of wine, first of all. I don’t drink a whole lot given everything I grew up with. I like that you seem honest and encouraging, and I absolutely want to keep you around as a friend. I knew there was something different about you when you basically invited yourself to sit with me in the cafeteria. Most people stay in their cliques or eat in the break room on their unit, and you didn’t hesitate to reach out to me.”

“What can I say? You looked like you could use the company.” Ellie smiled.

“Thanks. That means a lot. You know…I revealed a lot to you already, and you weren’t even put off. I may want to take a step back for a little bit, but yeah, I feel comfortable with you in my life. I think we could have a great friendship.” 

Just as Caitlyn finished talking, their food was dropped off, and she looked down at her plate of chicken alfredo. 

“And on that note, I’m starving. So, here’s to new friends?”

“Here’s to us, and here's to fresh starts,” Ellie replied, and they both raised their forks and started to eat.