On the contrysides of Europe

 I should have been going to that party.

You could have gone there but it wouldn't have changed so much things in your life. Or maybe it would have, but now you have different curcumstainces, you chose a different timeline.

Well, but i would have preferred the other timeline. How does it look like?

It's interesting you thought I chose that timeline. I won't tell you if I did but let's see how that would have panned out just for your imagination and entertainment.

Okay... So you're kind of a fortune teller or what?

Don't accuse me of being anything, you're the one talking to the past.

Yeah well, I do it all the time in my head anyways whenever I'm not busy, so I figured why not talk to it in person maybe it's less distressing. Anyways, we'll se about that. Now, how would that have as you say "panned out" for me?

Well, let's say I went there. Close your eyes and picture this scene:

After the fight with your dad you go to that party and you end up sitting on the stairs, the same stairs you know already, except for this time when reflecting, you go inside the student party room instead of leaving.

That sounds good.

Mhm. Let's see. Listen, so you go up and you meet your friends. You tell Celia happy birthday and you confide that you haven't showered in some days and if you could take a shower there and have some fresh clothes. And also if you could have some fresh clothes for the day after when you have your first day at your new job. She smiles and gives you new clothes and tells you yes, you can take a shower. So you do and after you greet all her friends, leave a grant impression on everyone, get high of that feeling of being able to talk to everyone, finally, it's been going on like that for a while. And so after the birthday party the next day you leave a great impression on your new job and make a lot of money and the week after you go to France to start your Erasmus experience. Your friend Katy that you so admire visits you there and you feel like you're on cloud nine. You'll also visit Katy as she's also in France now, together with your other friend Cindy. You'll start taking singing classes and you'll found a band in Lyon together with other students. You tour around the world with them, even though no one knows you, but you rock the pubs of all these little no-name cities on the countrysides of Europe. You start liking the attention and you think no one can do you any bad...

I'm starting to think, this all sounds a little too much. Like my friends their names? Celia, Cindy, Katy? Is this some version of Sex and the City? And why are they not worried about me... not showering for days and then flowing through the air like some kind of superballon-sized star?

Haha, don't shame your past selve, she would have been a great star.

Yeah, one going down the hill for sure. I don't know, couldn't you have made this story sound more real? It all sounds kind of psychedelic in the end. Oh... wow.

Yeah. Exactly. See the circumstainces would have been the same, just different.

I guess. But being a supertstar sounds so much better than what happened to me.

I know. But see, you would have ended up in the same place.

Mabye, but it would have been more fun along the journey and not so horrible.

But then again imagine the downfall like you said some kind of Hollywood star crash into the abyss, kind of like a greek tragedy.

Wow, now you are the one overdoing it. Just because I wanted the best version of me possible doesn't mean I want a superstar for real, I was only joking before, you know that.

Well, in your mind you weren't. And besides, you were behaving like one, don't you see?

Well, if I were I would have gone to the party.

No, I mean you had already fallen into the abyss by then, before the party had started. Don't you see why the story is so blown? You could have never gone to that party, you just weren't ready to and neither was your state of condition you were in that night.

Mhm. Do you really believe in that it all happens the way it's supposed to crap?

Again, you're talking to the past, not me. And I don't, to answer your question. But i believe you make the experiences you make when you have processed everything that is blocking you from it, even if it is a disease.

Huh?

Don't you see?

What? Stop kidding me, for excuse me for the unfitting comedic phrasing here, God's sake.

Don't you see your disease was also a metaphor. For all the things you had been through before, all the things that made you so unable to go to that party room that night. It was something you had to process in order to have been able to get there.

Okay, now I feel really bad. I just couldn't go there, I wasn't able to, don't you see..

Yeah, exactly! Like you said-thank God- you finally get it. What I said is true it had to do with your past before the party, what you went through and did and didn't process, but I only exaggerate because you want me to, while only now you come to see either way your picture perfect plan in mind would have collapsed at some point earlier or later sinmply because you were..

A bit too much? To sad? To fucked up?

No. All that is what the human mind is at times.

A litle bit to heroic?

Getting closer.

Wanting to reach the stars?

Yeah.

Crazy about leaving my past behind, yet unable to do so because I was picturing myself to grand?

Ahah, mhm, you're closer.

Wanting so bad to become a metaphorical or real life superstar I turned out to be a broken one, idiotic and crazy, almost out of his mind?

Don't downtalk yourself. You're still here today, grand despite it all.

The way you said grand, I think I have to puke. It was all to grand, to big, to miraculous, kind of like someone who is absent from this world and in their own kind of ... psychotic.

Yeah.

Oh.

Exactly. Psychotic. There is nothing you could have done. You were..

Psychotic Yeah. Okay.

Do you even still want to know which timeline I chose? You sounded so excited in the beginning.

No, I'm good. I'll stop talking to the past, at least ear to ear on the phone.

haha. okay, good choice. Listen, take care. You need it.

I know.. now.... thank you for making me realize.

Yeah. All good. Let's hear each other. not never because that would mean you are sick again not thinking about the past at all - so hopefully.. more seldom.

Yes. To talking to each other more seldom.

To talking to each other more seldom.