Alienation

I pause at the door, uncertain whether to knock or turn to leave. A wolf howls in the distance. I startle at the sound, and the wind's icy fingers clasp around me, a cold vice, making the decision for me. I’ll stay and see this through. I wait for an answer, glancing at my watch. I have exactly three hours left. Finally, the door opens, and I’m shocked by the shell of a woman I see before me.

“Hello, David.”

“Marianna.”

“Come in, I'll make us some tea.”

I say nothing and don’t move an inch, but then I follow her to the small table. I hate this woman.

“I’m so happy to see you.” She doesn’t move to hug me but smiles as she looks down to the floor and waits for the water to finish. I say nothing. I hate every fucking thing about this house. The crumbling walls, the dirty floor, and the cracked windows. It smells. It’s rotten, just like the woman who stands at the stove.

“David, you look so much like Paul did at your age. It’s uncanny, really.” She places the two cups on the stove and puts the tea bags inside. A small cat walks into the room and notices me. After a pause, it approaches me, rubbing against my leg. I don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary.

“As I promised, I came today to give you this.” I take the folded envelope from my pocket and place it on the table.

“I’m so happy you did. I’ve prayed every day to have a chance to see you again. Thank you.”

“Take a look and let me know if you have questions.” Her back is to me as she pours the boiling water over the bags. Her back is still, rod straight. I can still see the ghost of the woman she once was. Refined, cultured, beautiful. When she turns with the cups, she fades back into the living corpse she’s become. She daintily covers her fist over her mouth as a ragged, prolonged cough escapes her. She doesn’t open the envelope.

“Please drink your tea.” I stare at it. “It’s safe, the water is safe when boiled.” I don’t touch my cup.

“Where is he?” She takes a sip of her tea. Her eyes are downcast, but her gaze flicks to the window.

“David, your father is buried in the garden. Do you want to see?”

“No.” She frowns at my words.

“Unfortunately, I can’t stay long. Would you like to read it and let me know if you have any questions? You may not be able to ask them later.”

“I don’t have any questions.” I fight the frustration that threatens to boil over. Her eyes meet mine, and I see the tears.

“Aren’t you going to say something? Explain it to me. Make some kind of fucking excuse.” I cringe at my curse, instantly regretting it.

“I’ll answer any question you have, David. I don’t have anything to prove to you. I love you.” I stare at the envelope, grab it, and open it. I lay the contents on the table. Ignoring them, she stands and walks to the door, pulling on the tattered sweater hanging nearby.

“Let’s take a walk.” I don’t move. “Please.” I stand and zip up my jacket, not enthusiastic to go back into the frigid air before it’s time to leave. I follow her out the door into the small yard. Surprisingly, the land is fertile and green, almost flourishing. It’s a mirage as everything here is dead, and I’ll join them if I stay too long.

“This is my home, David. It’s all I know." Like a zombie, I follow her silently as she moves us toward the outer fences of her property. She points to the horizon.

“The forest is brimming with life, deer, bear, birds.” She moves lightly across the yard, talking as she walks, her voice airy and youthful. She’s a witch, a fairy, something unnatural.

“What they’ve told us are lies. There was no reason to go or let you go.” I bite down the bitterness of her words. Instead of biting back with the acrimony I feel, I take in a deep breath.

“It’s too late to make you understand, but I still want you to know I never wanted to give you away. It felt like we had no choice. But we were wrong. We were lied to, driven by fear.”

“Marianna, you should have left too. You threw away your own flesh and blood for what? This trash?” I swing my arm, pointing at the decomposing house.

“It’s all we had, David, and there was nothing for us there. We put you first.” She pauses. “At least, that is what we hoped we were doing. Laura and Mark were good to you, no?”

“They were the only f—parents I’ve ever known.” Her breath hitches.

“I’m so sorry. If I could change what happened, I would. But we don’t have that power as humans. We can only make the next decision a better one.” I don’t immediately notice we’ve stopped walking. The roses catch my eye. I look down and see the tombstone. Paul Valler.

“He loved you too.”

“I’ve got to go. Did you have any questions for me?” She nods.

“I understand. They’ve told you you’ll be poisoned if you stay too long.” She sniffles. “It’s not true, David. But thank you for coming. Seeing your face is a blessing, the only thing I still dream of.” I want to get out of here, but my heart is beating out of my chest with regret, urging me to say one more thing.

“I forgive you, Marianna. I really do. Be well.” She moves toward me to hug me, and I let her. Her frail, bony arms circle me, radiating a tiny ember of warmth eager to burn before it completely cools. I take one last look at her hollow eyes and gently move an errant curl that escaped her meticulous bun behind her ear. My fingers pause, then I pat her shoulder and turn to leave.

She says nothing more as I walk toward my jeep, which is waiting for me on the other side of the fence. I’m going to make it back a few minutes early.