Fully charged and ready to go

Fully charged and ready to go, that’s how the day begins.

Morning assembly breezes through, well figuratively. Standing under the scorching sun, listening to the continuous drone of the principle, reciting the weekly itinerary of recent events and curriculum changes was in no way pleasant, but it helped me pace myself for the day up ahead and set up a mental filter to remain sane as the day chugged along.

And so it would begin. I would have to remind myself to school my face to not look miserable as I joined the chirping group of my classmates headed towards the biology class. “Aren’t you glad we are finally back on campus?” they would ask me. Yes I couldn’t be happier that summer vacations were finally over. Who wouldn’t want to leave the comfort of their room, a warm mug of tea in hand, and about to set out on another journey thousands of miles across the globe through a book in your lap?

“Oh hey, hi, hey it’s been a while, damn I’m glad to see you, hey hope you’re doing great!”.

I would hear the giggles from my friends, as I walked ahead greeting people as they walked by. It took a lot out of me, each greeting. But I couldn’t help myself, I wook up each and every day and told myself that I would not be that person. The person who didn’t care much for what I had to say in a crowd, even though I was the only one talking. Who knew I was scared of being invisible. I knew how it felt and I never wanted anyone to feel that too. If a simple hello could allow them to know that they were remembered and seen, for someone who found it hard to talk to people, I’d do it.

It was funny, I was told I know everyone. That I’m too social, I have too much energy to spare, why would I want to remember the names of the people I met around campus. I just found it tiring to explain why I had to, I had to because I knew how much it hurt when I was told I could easily blend into a crowd, no trace left behind, that I’m not  memorable. 

I’d have to deal with it one battle at a time. The war was getting through the entire day with as little bumps and scratches as possible. To not let my anxiety strike the winning blow. It had been hard from the start, the first day of college we were all lined up in the auditorium, ready to be separated into groups and taken to our respective classes. Id looked at myself in the mirror that morning and told myself this is a new start. I will not, I repeat, will not blend into shadows again. And so here I was standing next to this girl who seemed scared, so I pushed myself to reach out and talk to her. She’d looked at me weirdly at first, how was I willing to talk to a stranger so readily. I’d had to rub my hands on my uniform multiple times because of how clammy they had gotten, she hadn’t noticed. But there it was, my first step to a new start, I’d make friends this time.

When classes finally began, we were told to seek help from our seniors to locate the labs. I had pointed at one of our seniors, sort of leaned forward and hurriedly asked him where the biology lab was. Later on, he told me, he’d been taken aback by my enthusiasm to converse with a complete stranger, I hadn’t seen it. It felt unnatural to me, alien even. But it was working people thought I was comfortable in social situations!

Then came what I considered to be the boldest decision I could have made. I signed myself up for the debating society.  None of my friends batted an eye, why wouldn’t the girl who didn’t hesitate to take the first step in any conversation not join the club. I managed to avoid stepping onto the podium the first week, every day was torture. My nerves would be a wreck and my hands would shake in anticipation. But that winning streak didn’t last, and there I was facing my peers in the audience. We had to talk about animal rights, I was good with words, I  could have written a 3000 word essay on that topic, but when I felt all those eyes on me I froze, I jumbled up my words, I unknowingly agreed to the oppositions ideas but I made it through the other side. I could hear the snickering when the practice session ended, but I couldn’t have been prouder of myself. 

Id finally been able to confess to my best friend my struggle getting where I was, and it had helped as the years progressed. I got a prefects gown final year, they said I could deal with people. Even the juniors knew me, I organized events with friends. It had all come up to the final event of the year, the Annual Science Competition. I knew I had to look professional and strong. And I did what I could to achieve that, my hair in a high bun, straight posture, a serious tone. It was when the day finally ended that my best friend came over and said, “You know, the funniest thing happened. The team I was monitoring asked who that girl, the one who was walking around like she knew everyone, like she owned the place”. Id asked her if she meant the head girl, and she laughed and said that they had pointed at me. We laughed, but I was elated. I’d done it, Id stood out of the crowd. I conquered the waves, I’d pushed through the fear. Id won this war. Another one would come with the rising sun, but for now a good read and some warm tea would do. I am an introvert after all!