The Cost of a Promise

I

“Are you there God? It’s me… you might not remember, it’s been a while, but I’m still here. And…and…and I… Damn it!” He yelled. “I don’t know how to do this.”

The moon shone too bright for the tormented fog that encircled Ari’s mind. He stood on the edge of his balcony overlooking the finance district of Chespi and felt nothing but shame. It was his district, it was his actions that moved mountains in the market, it was his glory that made him feel so validated through years of managing the highest returning portfolios in the galaxy. His career, his ego, his position at such a prestigious firm, his years of success, his confidence, and his life all felt like they were slowly falling out of his grasp. Trickling, trickling, trickling on to the pavement so far beneath him which he feared he would end up calling home.

“Are you alright sweety?”

“I’m fine, Ana, just go back to sleep.”

She approached him regardless and wiped away the cold sweat that flowed down his pale cheeks.

“You look terrible, Ari. Let me get you some tea, honey.”

“No, no, it’s not necessary. I’ll join you in a minute.”

Ana held him briefly in a warm embrace and kissed him gently.

“Whatever it is, you will be okay.”

He smiled at her as if it was true. As if the life that they had built together would not tumble the moment his success waned. He would not be able to look at her nor their kids the same. All the shame in what he had done could be hidden behind success, ignored by a bliss of material happiness. Tucked away in a dark recess of the mind where one can convince themselves every action is a justified necessity for their success. What he feared most of all about his impending loss was the man he would see once the shroud was lifted.

She did not deserve him. She had been nothing but a good wife, raising wonderful kids. What was he? How could he justify his action to them once he had lost it all?

Ari was again alone on the balcony. So lost in thought he had not noticed that Ana had left or how long ago that might have been. He returned his gaze across Chespi, tears swelling up from depths he could never reach, and he resumed his prayer.

“Please God, have mercy on me and save me. Save me from losing everything. Save me from the disgrace of the man who never deserved his confidence. I know I have been terrible and am not worth saving but save me none the less. Please, God.”

He waited for an answer that he knew would not come and cried out again, snot blowing off his upper lip.

“I promise I’ll change. I promise I’ll finally be a good husband and father. I will be faithful to my wife. I’ll stop neglecting my children. I’ll stop doing drugs, partying, and lying about it all. I’ll stop… I’ll stop trading. I’ll quit. I’ll end this terrible obsession with money. I’ll be done. Please God, just this one last success. Save me God and have mercy on me.”

II

“Ari! Did you see the announcement?”

“Ari you son of a – “

“Ari! Get over here. How in the world?”

“Silence!”

Ari did not mean to scream, but his mind could not provide any other alternative. He had enough of the bombardment from his coworkers. He had not been in the office more than thirteen seconds before he was surrounded by an overwhelming hoard.

“I haven’t checked anything! I don’t want a single word from anyone until I say so.”

Ari sat down at his desk and slowly got all his monitors in order. He waited for as long as he could before he finally checked the position that had kept him up all night. It was two minutes until the market open and he needed to be ready to execute, no matter what his action would be.

The position he took was in a new company called Oak Genetics. In a wild act of publicity and hubris, he liquidated the portfolio of the richest Kentrolian on the planet and bet it all on Oak Genetics. If there were profits, he would get 10%, if there were losses he would be thrown in prison for misappropriating someone else’s funds without their consent. The only reason he had not been arrested already was because he was Ari, the best financier in the galaxy.

As of the market close the night before he was down 93%.

“No,” Ari said, preparing the trade he was about to initiate. “This can’t be.”

The market opened and Ari executed his selling strategy. He sat without a breath, nose and mouth covered by his shaking palms.

He was rich. In fact, he was now the second richest person on the planet, after the person whose portfolio he used.

He looked up, short of breath and noticed the eager eyes of a swarm of people standing around him.

“How?” He asked anyone who had an answer.

“You seriously didn’t hear? Oak Genetics announced last night that they had the first successful human mind transfer into a clone.”

“When was that announced? I did not see it last night.”

“Must’ve been around 4 in the morning our time. Ari, congratulations you genius!”

The crowd around him erupted in euphoric cheers, sharing in joy at his success and hoping that they might be able to take part in it. One by one people came up to him and congratulated him until at last he was alone and rich wondering what to do next.

His mind was answered when she approached his desk. She was tall, thin, and beautiful. She rested on the edge of his desk, breasts propped up on her crossed arms as she leaned in closer with a smile.

“Quite the lucky guy.”

“Always am.”

“We’ll see about that.”

She winked at him and came around behind his chair, resting herself on its back, head resting on his shoulder.

“Quite the trade. I don’t think you will ever beat that.”

“I don’t either.”

“I mean, seriously. You must be the luckiest man alive to recover from such a loss. That had to be an act of God or something.”

Ari shot up, hands running quickly and repeatedly through his hair, as he tried to calm himself. It was not working. The deep breaths he was forcing himself to make became shorter by the second. He fell forward, arms bracing himself against his desk.

Then, in a split second of calmness he stood up, straightened his shirt, and screamed…

“Shit!”

Ari ripped a monitor off the frame of his desk and whipped it across the room. It shattered with a loud crash against the desk of a trader who was too deep into her work to notice.

Ari scrambled over to the windows and tossed them open leaning over the sill in order to get some fresh air. A security guard rushed over to him and grabbed him by the wrist, placing a bracelet around him that would connect to the frame of the window if he tried to exit it.

“What are you, crazy? I’m not going to jump. Get this thing off me!”

“I’m sorry, Ari, you’re scarin’ people.”

Jaimo, the closest thing to a friend Ari had in the office, approached them with deep concern.

“Ari, buddy, what’s all this about? You know you’re clean, the feds have been tracking you endlessly and have found nothing. We know that trade was good, fair, genius even. And you know what? You’re rich now buddy. Why don’t you start acting like it? We’ll go get lunch or something. See any place out there you like?”

Ari ignored him and scanned the streets as far as his eyes could see. Jaimo would not understand the situation he was in. Worse yet he would not care to be friends with the person Ari promised to become.

“Jaimo, it’s not even 8:40 in the morning. Why in the world would we get lunch?”

“Look buddy, I’m just trying to help calm you down. You about scared Becca half to death with that stunt. We can go for breakfast then. Yeah, that’s what I meant. As stressed as you were walking in, I know you didn’t eat.”

“I don’t need to eat.”

“Then what do you need?”

Ari’s eyes wandered back to the same building on every scan. A humble building with a low domed roof, much beneath any other in the city. The few rays of sunshine that could sneak through reflected off the metal-plated mosaics on the exterior of the building. It was a twinkling light beaconing him to come.

III

Ari’s heart pounded as he built up the courage to enter the church. The stained glass, once beaconing, now threatening. He took a deep breath and attempted to push out all the bad thoughts his mind kept hidden before entering.

An overwhelming scent of incense made his heart beat even more rapidly. Everywhere he looked, the eyes of holy figures were peering down at him with disgust. He was frozen and lost within his own mind. Why was he there? What did he hope to accomplish?

A firm hand gripped his arm and brought him back to reality.

“Oh, yes. I would like to speak to a priest.”

The woman that broke him from his trance said nothing. She adjusted her grip to be a little bit lower and then began to pull him. She brought him to a room that was much less daunting, only a few eyes could now glare at him.

“Did you hear me? I need to speak to a priest.”

She smiled at him pleasantly and left the room, only to return a moment later with some coffee and a plate full of pastries.

“Are you hearing me? I need to speak with a priest!”

It took all the might he had not to curse at the women.

“She doesn’t speak standard.”

“What? How is that even possible?”

Ari changed his attention to a second woman that had entered the room. She wore the same hooded attire as the first woman except her robes were lined with maroon.

“Why should she need to? She can speak to God perfectly fine, why do you feel entitled to the same treatment?”

“Okay, I didn’t mean any offense. I was just trying to tell her I need to speak to a priest.”

“And why is that?”

Ari was not sure what to say. He drank some coffee to give himself time to think about the best way to approach the issue.

“Well… I made a foolish promise and I’m not sure what to do.”

“What was the promise?”

“That is between me and God.”

The woman laughed joyfully, taking a seat across from him.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. What is your name?”

“Ari.”

“Ari, what do you expect the priest to do? Convince God to allow you to go back on your promise? I don’t think that will work out as well as you may like.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. You don’t know me, but I’m a terrible person. I made a promise to change and it’s… it’s… it’s just not possible. I will always be who I am. God held up his end of the promise, but I know I cannot hold up mine. I’m terrified of what that will mean for me.”

The woman sat pensively, slowly tapping the table.

“Look, ma’am— “

“Amma Tanya.”

“Look, Amma Tanya. I wish I could write it off as coincidence, but the success I had was… beyond luck. I’m just feeling lost, confused, and rich.”

“You asked for wealth?”

Ari nodded.

“And what did you offer in return?”

Ari shook his head, he still did not want to tell her.

“It’s alright, Ari, you don’t have to tell me. The priest is away today. You’ll have to come back tomorrow if you want to speak with him.”

Ari stared hopelessly into the softly flowing steam coming out of the mug which he wrapped his cold hands around. He could not last a day as the new man he swore to be.

“You’re not lost, Ari. God does not put up obstacles that His people cannot overcome.”

“What should I do?”

“Whatever it was you promised.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

“Fine, I can. I don’t want to.”

Amma Tanya broke into a big smile and got up from her seat. She walked over to him, patted him on the back, and left the room. In the doorway she stopped and turned back around and offered a small prayer for him, silently, before she spoke.

“Good luck Ari. Feel free to stay as long as you like.”

IV

“Are you there God? It’s me again. Thank you, I guess. You really held up your end of the bargain, unfortunately” Ari said, signing and pressing his weight forward onto his balcony’s railing. “Ugh, what am I doing? I don’t know how You expect so much from me. It’s a cost I don’t think I can pay.”

The first night as a rich man and the moon’s shine was the same. The sky was clear, and the night was beautiful, celebrating for a man who was unhappy with his success. In every twinkle of the stars, in every light flickering across the city, all Ari could imagine was the blinking of a watchful eye. Watching, waiting, wishing that he would mess up so everything would be taken away from him. Whether that was out of fear or wishful thinking he was not sure. Life would have been easier had he lost it all.

“Hey sweety, what’s wrong?”

Ana joined Ari on the balcony and wrapped herself around his back in a comforting hug.

“I just can’t believe it.”

“Believe what, Ari?”

“That it worked out. That we now have more wealth than I could have imagined.”

Ari turned around and held her back. They stood there silently embraced in the cold emptiness of the cheerful night.

“Ana, I can’t keep living how I was. I can’t explain it but with this success I must change.”

Ana said nothing, swaying with him to the flow of a smooth breeze.

“Ana, I’m sorry, I’ve done such terrible things. I’ve--”

Ana wiggled her arm out from under his and pressed her finger firmly on his lips.

“I know, Ari. Don’t say it.”

“I’m sorry. No matter what I do now, any change I make to my life, I’ll be burdened by the sins of my memories. I feel it would be easier to hate myself in the present than to be happy in the present but disdain my past.”

“Time will overshadow any disdain. You’re now and always the man you will become, not the man you once were. I know you’re sorry, and you have the rest of our lives to be a man you can be proud of. I know you can do it.”

“I don’t think I can. I’m in too deep to correct my wrongs in two lifetimes let alone one.”

Ana laughed at him.

“That’s a little much, Ari. Let’s get some sleep.”

“Okay, I’ll join you soon, I just need a moment.”

Ana freed herself and gave him a gentle and understanding kiss. She walked away with elegance, beauty, and understanding. He did not deserve her. He never felt that to be so true as in that moment. Yet there they were, together as he hoped they always would be.

Tears started to slowly stream down his face as he grappled with an overwhelming sense of despair. He let himself believe those feelings for only a moment before regaining his confidence. He stared down the watching sky and saw strength and promise in his future.

“I promise, God, to hold true to my promise, but… but…” he pleaded, hands locked together, desperately. “But I cannot do it alone. Give me strength to be the man You know I can be. Give Ana the resolve in mind to forgive me and please help me forgive myself. I want to change, and I cannot do it alone. Please, God, please, give me strength and have mercy on me.”