Love lacuna

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire, smoke splayed in arena shooting towards Azure. My garden was already burned but now fire was heading straight to the West. The fire was surely not an accident. My beautiful autumn evening turned into a nightmare today I was going to tell Alex how I feel about him but as always whenever I try fixing rotting things in my life my world falls apart, leaving me in pain and misery.

It was vivid who had done it. As if everything was not enough already, these maniac girls came all the way from college to destroy the last resort of peace i had. Just a couple of days ago i dared myself to fight this gloomy life and surpass the barriers holding me tightly making me fall in the black hole over and over again ...i succeeded even though just for a day......my painting was loved, my hard work was appreciated and i thought things would change but trouble came knocking at my door. The firestorm engulfed the hut the paintings i had been working for most of my time, my master piece to be presented in the contest helding tomorrow got destroyed in a matter of seconds ...its was not a hobby nor escape, it was the only part of me that was alive. Memories of my mother, her last paintings even the scent of her presence was still alive there...in that very hut.

My breath hardened and heart sank. ‘No….. no…. no… it cannot be happening’ tardy as always but I cannot let that part left of me alive be burned. With all the strength i had I darted towards my hut aghast, earth seemed to be dragging me down, my feet heavier than ever before. All I could hear were just chuckles, laughter and round of applauses. 

‘Hey freckles! Told you I would crush you under my feet...don’t you dare show this bloody face to me ever again...I would rather burn you next time’...hahahaaaa

I did not know who said that.....neither did i care they have already crushed me really hard. Little did they know i was already a living carcass. what else they can do...my college life became hell due to their courtesy but funny part nobody ever managed to witness how terrible they were to me instead they succeed in proving me ‘the maniac’. I would run from my college and enter this little world of mine to breath but now...i have lost everything. I wanted to cry, yell and jump in the fire...their laughter driving me crazy. Their wont be any cure for my aching heart its a malignant cancer that would consume me before demolishing. Fire rose higher and higher even though I tried very hard to save the coloured part of my life but everything was deceiving me, fire leapt engulfing it all. My struggle was useless, limbs frozen. I wanted to vanish in the fire. I ran. Unable to stop running straight into woods but that’s not what i wanted. All I could see was just a bunch of trees but the view even narrowed when tears made everything blurred My feet strangled and I bumped into a tree knocking my head against a Boulder. I couldn’t stop it anymore, tears rushing down my cheeks, hair nestled… ‘No, no, no… why is it always me God? Why did you abandoned me? You have taken my mother already but why can’t I let go of her? Why do I still feel the warmth of her, the night when we sat in the bed enjoying the evening serenity when mom read me the Peter pan’s tale while I laid in her lap, staring at her wishing the moment to last forever… why is this memory ever so vivid? Why the world pushed me in the corner like i am a waste of space? Are you going to leave me alone too? Mama used to say, ‘God never abandons his child’, why have you abandoned me here all alone, just take my life as well…for heaven’s sake God let me be with my mom’, for a second I wanted to say more but I choked with tears, left to cry and curse in oblivion.

The vision went blurry and then black a moment of relief when I breathed peace I could not see fire burning my paintings, mom’s souvenirs burning and mingling in mud. I opened my eyes, ‘woah’, lèas Falling through leaves unravelling the cerise Earth underneath my feet, lilies on sparkling fresh water, Swans dancing and niran beauty of the place. I was back into paracosm. Maybe this is the heaven... God didn’t left me alone after all…… smiling for real after all those years felt so strange. Overwhelmed with joy to finally broke free of the cursed world, meet my mom, to sleep in her lap, to feel the warmth of her love I yelled, ‘Mom… mom… mom…….’the divine heaven erupted with my cries but there was not a single soul to reply… tears trickling down my cheeks, ‘mom’, I screeched with pain. Stumbling on my feet, desperate to see the glimpse of my beloved mom but it felt like even caelum was betraying me. I must have been eccedentesiast But I never had eunoia… it wasn’t a vague feeling of sadness but a suadade…in which I always have been drowning . When my mom died a part of died with her ‘why didn't I die?......I don’t want to live but I’m happy in my paracosm, lost in the maze of my brain I always knew this was going to happen, I’m better dead Because everything I ever wanted just got ruined...... nothing......not even my last wish Alex who I dreamed of, even he is not mine’. Storm of emotions blinding my mind. Failure and misery cursing my mind...‘Silly you, why would you even think about Alex...this fire incident saved you from his rejection which would have killed you anyways'

The fragile network of life seemed to be shutting down...’are you okay, look....look at me...Sierra wake up, please ,wake up’ even before the words could hit me gentle hands approached me, snapping me out of my unconsciousness. Oh god! Is it Alex...? My world started to spin and the vision became blurry and then everything collapsed a beam of ablazing light fell on my face making me open my eyes. Blonde hair, deep blue Oceanic eyes, muscular body… it was Alex standing beside me. His face as white as ice, eyes all different...not bothering to hide sympathy and frustration...

‘What were you trying to do...lying bare in this deadly forest’, he said. His eyes fixed at me. My mind all frozen and numb, body shivering with cold i tugged in his jacket...where did he come from? Was it another illusion of mine. I wanted to break free the ocean of tears that i always held back and show him the shreded pieces of my soul intead i said, ‘Leave me alone...i don’t want to suffer anymore...’tears cascading down my cheeks. With his hand on my face , wiping my tears softly he said' ‘its going to be ok.'

‘Ok???’ I muttered under my breath...’they burned everything...i have got nothing left...’

With a slight smile on his face...he said, Don’t worry, there’s nothing lost...your masterpiece is safe....sorry i only managed to grab that...and cisco have already handed those drunks to the police...’

‘But how’? Confusion clouding my mind, nothing make sense.

‘Sierra, long story......cutting short if you had not opened your heart today...i would have. Do you know how long i have been waiting for this moment." He took a deep breath" Sierra, your last wish had always been granted” I choked and eyes widened startled at the sight that i gulped my own breath. Still not able to make sense out of it....all I knew was he is with me.

At the very thought of it I couldn’t stop blushing.