A Beginning's End

I once heard a quote by a Roman philosopher that has always stuck with me. “Every new beginning comes from another beginning's end.” I never knew what that meant until today. The last eight hours have been a crazy ride of emotions and the beginning of a new journey. A new me. I’ve never been good at goodbyes and here I am standing in a waiting area of the airport in Miami, Florida making my second of the day. Somehow this one, harder than the last.

“I guess this is it,” I say, feeling myself get slightly choked up.

What is wrong with you? Pull it together Alex. You just met this guy. 

“I guess so,” he says, returning my gaze. 

“Goodbye Alex,” he says. 

“Goodbye Josh,” I reply.

***************************************

8 hours earlier

***************************************

I lay staring up at the cold white ceiling. I’m so lost. Why am I here and how did I let myself get to this point? On paper it would seem as if everything is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect house, perfect job, perfect friends, but yet I’m just not happy. I need something more. Something exciting. This is all just so… standard. It’s not my dream. It’s not where I wanted to be. It’s where everyone else thought I should be. 

“I just can’t take this anymore!” I yell into the cold empty room.

I know what it is I have to do. I have to make a change. I have to go now. I glance at the clock sitting on the perfectly polished bedside table next to the perfectly made up king size bed. 2:13 P.M. The numbers seem to scream at me in their tantalizing red color. I have a little over three hours before Ben gets home from work, which gives me just enough time to grab what I need and get the hell out of here.

I toss what little clothes I need into a bag, grab some personal belongings from my drawer, then sit down at the large wooden vanity and pull out some of my stationary to leave a note. I look down at the light pink paper with the monogrammed LH  at the top, for Lexi Harwich. My real name is Alexandra, but I’ve gone by Lexi since I met Ben and started working at his parents’ law firm. Apparently it sounds “more feminine and professional than Alex.” At Least that's what his parents told me. Ben of course agreed. He agrees with everything they say. 

There’s a pang of guilt and hurt in my stomach as I start to write. Should I really be doing this? I think to myself. I stare at the unrecognizable person in the vanity mirror. Her made up face, sleek straight hair, waxed and shaped eyebrows. Her eyelash extensions and filled in lips. This is not me. I give a deep and resolute sigh. I sit up straight and tear my gaze away from the fraud that is staring back at me. I start to write, more determined than ever knowing this is what I have to do. 

Ben,

I just can’t live like this anymore.   

I’m sorry.

Lexi

Next, I head over to the safe that hides behind one of Ben’s terrible art pieces. I open it and grab out the emergency card and stuff it into my wallet. I pause for a minute and touch the ring on my left hand. I think of everything that has happened over the years. Was any of this ever real?  I shake my head and remove the ring, placing it gently inside the safe. I set my sunglasses on top of my perfectly bleach blonde hair and head out the door.

***************************************

I arrive at the airport an hour later. The only stop I made on the way was at the bank to drain the emergency account. I came up with a story for needing such a large amount of money on the drive there. I told the bank teller it was our vacation account and that I was surprising my husband with a trip to Tahiti. 

“He’s been having such a hard time with work and we haven’t taken a break since we got married three years ago. We’ve poured so much into this “Vacation Savings” account and he just can’t seem to commit to a time and place to go!” I remember myself saying sweetly to her.

I park the car and grab everything I need. Ben should be able to locate where it’s at by its tracking device and come get it later. I should be on the plane before he even gets home. I grab out my bag and purse and slam the doors closed. I take a deep breath and stare at the airport ahead of me. 

This is it. I’m doing it. I’m not turning back now.

As I walk in, the airport is buzzing with life. People are rushing past me at all speeds. Some on phones, some dragging kids with them, some with confused looks turning circles looking for their gate. Voices and conversations are echoing from every direction. I hear one announcement after another coming over the loudspeaker. As I walk up to the counter to purchase a ticket, the nerves set in.  I step up to the desk where a middle-aged woman is waiting for me. Her dark curly hair is pulled into a bun on the top of her head and her lips are set into what looks like a permanent scowl. I swallow hard.

“I’d like to purchase a direct flight ticket to Miami please,” I say, my voice shaking slightly. I wait for what seems like an eternity as she types something into the computer.

This was a bad idea. They’re probably booked full. There’s not going to be a seat! 

I glance at my watch. 3:28. 

If I leave now and drive straight home I should be able to get there before Ben and rip up the note and…

“I have one seat left on a flight leaving at 5:30. Do you have any bags to check?” she asks.

“Yes. Two.” I answer, holding up my bag and purse.

I can’t believe this. One seat left. I’m really doing this. It must be meant to be. Right?

***************************************

It doesn’t take me long to find my seat after I board. It’s a window seat, my favorite, which makes me feel even more like this is meant to be. I stuff my bag in the overhead compartment and squeeze by the two other people in my row. I push my purse under my seat and sit down. I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes, trying to relax. 

 “Excuse me dear. You seem to be in the wrong seat. The one you are sitting in is mine.”

I open my eyes to see a lady of about sixty. Her face is creased into a kind smile, showing all the laugh lines and wrinkles from years of living. She’s looking at me and patiently waiting for an answer.

“I don’t think so,” I reply. I lean down and pull my ticket out from my purse. “See right here. Seat 12A.”

The lady’s smile falters. She turns and makes her way back up the aisle.

She must have realized she’d read the ticket wrong and went on to find her real seat. I lean back again in my seat and close my eyes again. An image of Ben enters my mind. A huge wave of guilt rises from the pit of my stomach and falls hard in my chest making my breath catch in my throat. 

He’s home by now... he’s surely found the note...

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes yet again to see the old lady, but this time she has a flight attendant with her. 

“Ma’am, I’m sorry,” says the flight attendant looking discomfited. “We seem to have double booked this seat and since she…,” making a motion to the old lady beside her, “booked this seat months ago… I’m going to have to ask you to leave the plane.”

I can’t move or speak. I’m staring at them both in shock. 

I have to have this seat!

“Of course we will issue a full refund…” the flight attendant is saying. But I’m not listening .

“But I need this seat.” My voice comes out as a small squeak. “Please, you don’t understand. I have to have this seat!”

I look from face to face. They’re not backing down. It’s clear I’m not getting the seat.

“Okay.’” I manage to say, feeling defeated. My legs feel like jello as I stand to grab my bag in the overhead compartment. I wrench my purse back out from under the seat and trudge up the aisle with the attendant. 

“Please, I beg you,” I grab the flight attendant’s arm as we get to the door of the plane. “I’m running from something… someone,” I quickly amend when I see the look on her face. “Please, I just need a seat.”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry.  A direct flight to Miami is a pretty popular flight. We fill up quickly and every seat is filled. I’m going to have to ask you to leave the plane.”

“She can sit with me.”

I start at the sudden voice behind me. I turn around to see a guy who looks to be in his early thirties standing there. He’s dressed in a business suit, perfectly fitted over his muscled body. His face has a hint of stubble and his soft brown hair is swept back in a business like manner.  

“I booked two seats in first class, and as you can see it’s only me, so you can take one of the seats,” he says to me.

“Oh no, no… I couldn’t.” I stammer.

“I insist,” he says, smiling one of the most handsome smiles I have ever seen. 

I can feel myself turning red. My whole body is prickling with heat.

“My name’s Josh by the way.”

I pause for a second before answering.

“Alex,”  I say, following him through the curtains that separate the sections. 

Alex. It feels right. 

***************************************

I’m in a daze. I have flown a few times in my life, but never like this. The fancy plush seats recline back far enough to use as a bed. There are only two in each row and each seat is divided by a small console that contains a drink holder for fancy drinks, a small button at the top you can press to call the flight attendant, and a slot at the front that holds magazines to read. And not the boring airline ones that you usually have shoved in the back of a regular seat, but real ones!

“Um… thank you,” I say, after we put up our bags and take our seats. “I really appreciate it. I needed to stay on this flight.”

“So I gathered,” he says, a grin slowly forming on his lips.

I feel myself start to turn red again. 

“I’m guessing you heard me pleading with the flight attendant then?’ I say. “Definitely not my finest moment.”

“Yes. I heard your groveling,” he says deadpan.

“I was not groveling!” I retort, laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. 

“Oh, it was definitely groveling,” he shrugs. “But it worked. I felt sorry enough for you to give you my extra seat in first class.”

“Okay. Maybe I was. Either way I really do appreciate the offer.” I say.

It’s not long before the pilot comes over the intercom to announce that we are taking off. I feel the movement of the plane quickly gathering speed, then leaving the ground. 

When we are safely in the air I grab one of the travel magazines, figuring it might make me seem cultured, and recline my seat  back. 

After a few minutes of silence I sit back up.

“Why did you have this extra seat?” I ask. “Was someone supposed to come with you?”

“Um… well… not exactly.” He takes a drink of scotch looking slightly uncomfortable.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” I say, immediately realizing that I probably shouldn’t have asked this question.

“No,” he chuckles. “It’s okay. I just like to sit alone.”

“What?” I ask perplexed. “You buy two first class tickets, so you don’t have to sit by anyone?”

“Yep. Makes my flight a lot more peaceful. No one continuously talking or asking me personal questions,” he says, glancing sideways at me as he finishes off his drink.

“Got it,” I say, a bit more snarky than I meant to. 

Fine. If he doesn’t want any conversation then I won’t do any more talking or asking questions. I’ll show him. I can be quiet for the next…

I glance at my watch.

5 hours!? Maybe he should have just sat alone…

I cross my arms and stare out the window.

After about 10 minutes of this I hear him sigh.

“Fine,” he says “Tell me your story...”

And that’s how it starts. We end up talking about everything for hours. He tells me all about where he grew up in Missouri, how he went to college for Communication, then ended up moving to New York and getting a job, then getting transferred to Miami. He informs me that his job requires a lot of travel, which is why he was in Denver. 

Then it’s my turn. I tell him everything. I tell him about Ben and his family. How critical they are about everything and all the hurtful things they have said over the years. How I had dreams to be a photographer and writer, but that wasn’t practical to them. How I changed and lost track of my true self, then started to question my love for him. How I couldn’t take the life I was living anymore so I just left.

When I’ve finished. He stares silently at me for a few seconds.

“I’ve only known you for a few hours now,” he says. “But I can tell you are a good person and don’t deserve for people to treat you like that. And for what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision.” 

I just nod. 

“So… thanks again for offering me this seat. Now you understand why I couldn’t really turn back…”

“I’m really glad I offered my spare ticket to you. Now, if you don’t mind I would like to sit and relax in silence now,” he looks at me and smiles another amazing smile. I feel myself smiling back. 

“Okay, fine!” I laugh, leaning back in my seat again. “If you insist.”

“I do,” he replies without hesitation. 

 He grabs a business magazine as I roll my eyes at him, and leans back in his seat also. As he does he lets his legs fall open and his knee stops to rest on mine. I feel the familiar heat he brings on, rising through my body. I push back with my knee just a little and feel myself start to relax for the first time in a very long time.

***************************************

I’m startled awake as the pilot’s voice comes over the intercom.

“The time is now 9:24 p.m. We will be making our landing at Miami International Airport shortly. Please fasten your seat belts and stay in your seats until landing is complete. Your flight attendant will arrive shortly afterwards to help with flight departure. Again thank you for flying with us today. Hope you’ve had a great trip.”

“Did you sleep well?” Josh’s dreamy voice asks as soon as the pilot is done.

“I did actually,” I say, as I stretch out my arms and legs. I can’t believe how much leg room there is in these seats. 

“So what are your plans now?” he asks.

“I really don’t know.” I tell him. “I’m going to find a place to stay, I guess. I think I may enroll in some classes at the university. I meant it when I said I’m starting over. I’m ready to just be me for a while.”

“I think that sounds like a good plan,” he says,  as he takes my hand in his.

I can’t move or breathe. I’m paralyzed as sparks fly through my whole body. I’ve never felt these feelings before.

***************************************

We are both silent as we walk along the jetway towards the airport. I can tell neither one of us wants this to end. 

I just wish we could continue walking together forever.

But as this thought comes into my mind the jetway ends and we’re left walking into the airport. It’s still fairly busy even as late as it is. We dodge a few people as they hurry by and walk over to an empty seating area. It’s the first time I’ve looked at him since we landed. 

“So I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for sitting with me. Even though you talked the whole ride, I still enjoyed the company,” he smiles at me and gives a little wink.

I laugh at how goofy he looks when he does it. 

“And your company wasn’t that bad either,” I say.

 We stand there for what seems like an eternity saying nothing. Just looking off into the distance.

“Let me take you to dinner sometime,” he says. 

“I would like that,” I say, giving him a weak smile. 

We exchange numbers, then grab our things. 

“I guess this is it,” I say, feeling myself get slightly choked up.

“I guess so,” he says, returning my gaze. 

“Goodbye Alex,” he says. 

“Goodbye Josh,” I reply.

We both turn and head in different directions. I can’t turn back to even look at him. I know he’ll never call and nothing more will come out of this. It will just be an amazing memory. The beginning of the journey to finding myself again.