The Great Family Spat

Before Aspen could remind herself to keep her cool, a menacing, yet delicious pie flew right at her face. Aspen’s nose twitched in anger as she angrily removed the saucer from her face.

Sandra looked apologetic enough, but revenge was clearly still brewing in her mind. “I’m sorry Aspen. I was aiming for Terrah.”

And this was only last Christmas. Who knew what was going to happen on this Thanksgiving, the biggest they would have held in a while.

Really, they should have learned by now. If Aspen’s family couldn’t control themselves with just 5 extra people, why invite the remaining 30 relatives? Most of which Aspen did not know, yet still claimed to have changed her diapers when she was an infant.

Aspen couldn’t place all the blame on her family. It wasn’t like her cousin Terrah didn’t call her sister, Sandra a slut, causing the whole pie disaster.

Not this year though. This year, Aspen was determined to keep a low profile.

—------

Aspen wore a white dress to Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe not the best choice, considering the pie incident, but that was how confident she was feeling about dinner that night.

She spent all morning building up confidence.

It took 5 minutes to break it down.

Aspen took a deep breath before putting her hand on the doorknob-another deep breath- okay good- and she was outside, almost immediately bumped into someone with flowing black hair like hers and a glass of champagne in hand- her mother.

Aspen scurried down the stairs and examined the place.

Mother really went all out this year, she thought.

So far so good. Although it wasn’t the greetings and smiles that counted. It was time for dinner.

Sitting Sandra and Terrah together was a recipe for disaster, so when it was about to happen, Aspen added herself to the middle of the menu and smiled at each of them.

All she had to do was smile, nod, shake a few more hands for a few more hours and-

“So, Sandra, when are you going to find a nice man?”

Aspen cleared her throat, and glanced over at her sister for any sign of resentment. 

“I’m uh, getting there.”

“I’m sure you are, sweetheart.” Aunt Indie said from across the table.

Sandra looked over at her aunt and smiled. “Huh?”

Low profile, low profile, Aspen chanted in her head.

Aunt Indie put down her fork and shrugged. “I just mean that nobody is rushing you to go get someone. It is not as easy as it sounds. Move at your own pace, Sandra.”

“You think it’s hard for me to go out and meet someone?” Sandra asked, her tone filling with resent like it was stuffing.

Oh boy. “Aunt Indie didn’t mean it like-” Aspen started to say.

Aunt Indie spoke up, “Sandra, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant-”

Naturally, Grandmother chose to impose at that moment. “Indie, if you can’t explain, don’t try to explain to the girl that you don’t think she can date.” She laughed.

The whole table got quiet. Grandmother had obviously meant it as a joke, however, she quickly read the room and cleared her throat.

“Mom!” Mother hissed under her breath. 

“Hey! I’m not the one who said it!” Grandmother snapped.

Aunt Indie looked offended. “Look, I didn’t want to offend anyone-”

Cue Aunt Mindy. “Why can’t we just have a nice family dinner?”

“I don’t know. Why can’t we, Mindy? You think that’s my fault too?” Aunt Indie snapped.

Aspen looked around panicked. One by one, each of her relatives shot up something to say in the already too big of a storm for more arguments. It brewed like a tornado at the top of her heads, but they just kept adding more.

It was almost as if someone was afraid of being left out of the huge family spat. Maybe the feeling was contagious. Aspen almost felt like throwing in a 'YEAH!" even though she didn't know what she was agreeing to. Soon, they will all be picking sides.

“It’s not that big of a deal, Indie.” Mother tried. Aspen and her mother were similar in that way. They both just wanted peace and for everyone to get along.

Unfortunately, everyone else begged to differ. Literally.

Aunt Indie gaped at mother. “No, because now I feel bad and now everyone is attacking me, and I didn’t..."

Aunt Indie's voice trailed off in Aspen's head. She looked down at her white turtleneck dress and wondered if she was going to have to change after all.

"Aunt Indie, it's okay." Sandra was saying while Aunt Indie was arguing with Aunt Mindy.

Aspen breathed a sigh of relief. Sandra said it was okay. She was the source of the spat. Maybe now that she said it was okay everyone would calm down and-

"No, no, you're right, Sandra. You don't have to act like you're calming down a crazy woman-"

Aspen couldn't take it anymore. "No! She said it was okay! Why can't you just accept that? Do you want to argue with your niece, because I sure don't want to see it."

Maybe her outburst was uncalled for. Maybe she overreacted. But boy, it felt good to yell at her ridiculous family.

Now she could calm down and keep her cool before someone really tested her patience.

"Aspen, that was a very rude thing to say." Aunt Indie snapped.

Aspen gasped in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? I am trying to stop another family spat. 2 more minutes and Terrah will be throwing pies, and you will all be cursing like sailors." Aspen gestured around the room to illustrate her point.

Aunt Indie's husband started to get up. Aspen sighed, "Please sit down, uncle."

It was Aunt Indie's turn to gasp in disbelief. She turned to mother and whispered, not so quietly. "This one might have a bit of an attitude problem."

Forget about keeping your cool. Aspen got up and threw the pumpkin pie in Aunt Indie's face.

Everyone gasped and Aunt Indie reached for the napkins.

Ironic, isn't it?