The Hibiscus Tree

The Hibiscus Tree

A moment in grief

The wind was rustling through the hibiscus tree, swaying back and forth, softly dropping the pink flowers into the sparkling pool below. I watch the birds dancing in the branches as I sit in the grass, letting the wind whip my hair around my face. I hear my daughter calling my name, searching for me, bringing me back to reality.

The backdoor slides closed somewhere behind me “Mummy, what are you doing, I was looking for you!”

I take a breath and gather myself as she walks over. I look up at her sweet face as she arrives in front of me. She sits herself in my lap, putting her arms around my neck.

“I’m just enjoying the wind my love” I say looking into those blue eyes. I’m secretly hoping it will just blow away my problems.

She giggles, “You’re so weird sometimes mum!”.

I squeeze her tight, just enjoying the hug. I feel my phone vibrate on the ground next to me and look to see who is calling. “Emmy, Nana’s calling so run inside and I’ll be there in a sec.” Emmy squeezes me and runs off back inside. “Close the door” I call out, but she’s already gone.

I stand and answer the call. I immediately hear my mother “Hey, how are you going love, I just thought I would check in while I’m driving home.”

I start pacing around the yard, “Yeah mum, it’s been a lot. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how it’s already been a year.” I keep pacing back and forth, hoping it will stop the tears breaking free.

“I know, I’m quite emotional this week too, it’s just so tragic for everyone involved, how’s Emmy?”

“Yeah, Em’s ok, she’s been better lately, not having as many nightmares.” I look up at the sky as the sun begins setting, lighting up the horizon. “Mum, I just need a break for a minute to breath, a couple weeks of silence, go to a retreat or something, a change of scenery.” I’m met with silence. I stop and just stare at the sunset and take a deep breath, hoping she will offer to take Emmy, even if it’s only a couple of days.

“She needs you; you can’t take time off from life, unfortunately this is the reality now, alright lovey I’ve got to go I’m just pulling into the driveway” and she hangs up the call.

I close my eyes and rub my face, it’s not the first time she has disappointed me, and it won’t be the last. I look down at my phone and see several messages, all asking me what the plan is for tomorrow and if we are going to do anything for it.

I sigh again for what feels like the millionth time today and consider throwing my phone across the yard, I look to the pool, maybe I should just jump in fully clothed. Neither of those things will fix the problem. So, I just turn and walk inside.

The birds have already finished singing when I open my eyes the next morning, the sun shining through the gap in my curtains. I glance at for a moment before I roll over the other way and close my eyes, as if I can pretend today isn’t the day I’ve been dreading. My body knows, it still feels exhausted, I just want to sleep through the day, so I don’t have to deal with it. I can hear Emmy pottering around the house, so I pull myself out of bed. At least I can try and help her have a somewhat normal day.

I wander through the house, heading straight over to the coffee machine once I reach the kitchen, maybe the coffee will do its job today. I place the pod in the machine and wait for it to pour, I stare out the window, into our backyard. I just stand there, not feeling, not moving, frozen. I just stare at the hibiscus that is the backdrop to my life. So many nights around the fire, days in the pool, the hibiscus framing all the memories.

 I forget about the coffee and head outside. I jimmy open the shed, in search of the pole saw, my robe gets caught on something as I move through the shed. I turn and unhook myself and see the skateboard leaning on the golf clubs, I look away taking a breath and spot the pole saw. I grab it, attach a battery and hurry over to the hibiscus, I look it over, turning the pole saw on, getting ready to cut it apart and I stop. I can’t do it. I put away the pole saw away and grab the small shears.  Staring at the hibiscus, I find the most perfect shaped flowers and snip them off.

Emmy runs out to see what I’m doing, “I’ve already had breakfast, and made my lunch” she says. I just nod absent mindedly and walk back inside, placing the flowers next to the coffee machine, and finish making my coffee.

“Do you think I will get lots of homework this year, year 4 is going to be harder than year 3, don’t you reckon? Emmy says climbing onto the kitchen stool.

I sip my coffee and look at her, really look at her, does she remember what today is, is she ok or is she just excited for the new school year to start?

“Maybe babe, we’ll have to wait and see, won’t we” I lean over the bench and kiss her cheek.

“The bus will be here in a second, I will walk you out the front and don’t forget I’ll pick you up today.

“Yes mum, I know!” Emmy says, rolling her eyes. I lean down to grab her bag and help her put it on, she turns and wraps her arms around me tight. “Love you mummy”

“Love you babe, have the best day” I do my best to smile.

“You too mum” she says as she rushes off to the bus stop. I stand and watch from the door, sipping the warm coffee. I watch as she gets on the bus, and it drives off down the street.

I dump the coffee mug in the sink before quickly getting changed. I run around the house looking for my shoes, I slide the first pair I see onto my feet and grab the flowers off the kitchen bench and run out the door.

I pull into the cemetery, parking as close as I can to where I am going. I sit there gripping the steering wheel, not ready to get out yet. I see an older woman placing flowers on a grave a little bit away from where I’m going. I continue watching as she places a picnic chair in front of the stone and begins chatting. My heart hurts just looking at her.

I take a deep breath and grab the flowers and head over the grave. I walk slowly, looking at each headstone until I get to his. I read the headstone, taking it in, like I have never seen it before. I bend down and gently place the hibiscus in front of the stone.

“Hello, my love, I miss you” The tears threatening to come, I feel like a damn about to burst, but I try to hold it in. I sit down in the grass in front of his stone, crossing my legs.

“I brought the hibiscus from our backyard, it’s as big and overgrown as ever. I can’t believe it’s been a year my love, it feels impossible that you have been gone so long. I don’t even know if Emmy knows what today is, she just ran off ready to start her first day back, I didn’t want to ruin her day by reminding her. I don’t know if it was the right thing, I just hope she’s ok.”

I take a deep breath, holding myself together, but it’s not going to work. Everything I have been holding in, is going to come out.

“Did you see Callum and Lou got engaged, bit soon don’t you think and Jay and El are having a baby, finally! I am so happy for them, but also…I’m sad. I guess it feels like everyone’s life just keeps moving forward and I’m just stuck, frozen here in time, wanting something I can’t have anymore. I just really miss you; I hate this life without you, it feels so empty. You are irreplaceable, and I just can’t do this anymore without you. I wanted our future, the one we talked about, the one we planned, the one we worked so hard for. We worked so hard for so long and it was just about to get easier and then it was ripped away in an instant. You went to work, like any normal day and you didn’t come home to me! How is that fair, we didn’t deserve this, you didn’t deserve this.  I didn’t even get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to tell you just one last time that I love you, I wish I just heard your voice one more time.”

The tears are sliding down my cheeks, I’m struggling to get the words out, but I keep going.

“You were the only one I could really talk to, the one who saw me, all of me and loved me. You always knew what to say to get my head out of a spiral, you kept me grounded and now I feel like I’m just flapping around in the breeze. No one gets it, I’ve had non-stop messages all week asking me what the plan is for today, like I want to reminisce with them, they don’t get that we aren’t grieving the same person. They are grieving a friend, and I get it. That’s shit, but they get to go home at the end of the day and console each other, they all have each other. But I don’t have you, I get into an empty bed every night. I’ve lost a piece of me, my husband, my best friend. You were it for me, I would have followed you anywhere. None of them asked how I was or seemed to be checking in with me. Nobody gets it, I’m so fucking mad, I’m so over this. I just want you back!”

A loud sob comes out and I try to wipe the tears from my eyes. “Nobody gets it, I’m not me without you, and I don’t even have a second to myself to try and figure out who I am anymore or who I need to be, who Emmy needs me to be. I just need a second to process this without having to shove it down so I can get through the day”

I hang my head and just shake it, trying to pull myself back together.

“I don’t know, I just don’t know. I just love you; I love you; I love you, I love you.” I whisper.

I sit there, staring at his stone, reading it over and over, his name, his birthdate, his death date, over and over and just find myself staring at nothing, just sitting there.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and someone sit down beside me. I look to the side and see the picnic chair woman, with tears in her eyes, she squeezes my shoulder, and we just sit there, in silence together for a little while.