Just Friends

Over the echo of the music, we poured ourselves a second shot of tequila. The bar was nearly empty, but that was not going to deter me from celebrating. Tonight was the first time that he had come to visit. Out of our twenty years of friendship, Bennet had never expressed as much interest or put as much effort into seeing me as he did tonight. Usually, I would have to make the first move.

When we were younger, our parents would meet a few times each year and bring us along. Sometimes we would play in the backyard, letting our imaginations run wild. Other times we sat around a bonfire on the beach and roasted marshmallows until it was too dark to find our way back without a flashlight. Then, as we grew older, I saw him less. Now, once every summer, we would spend a few hours and follow our usual routine together. We’d grab sandwiches from a local shop and soak in the summer sun for as long as possible. Then, I would drive a couple of hours back home where our contact would become limited to the occasional drunk call or text.

Either means of communication was not conducive to upholding that same mirage of comfort that the beach provided. I missed being able to talk to Bennet about my life. I longed for our childhood and the past that we built together. But above all, I missed being a part of his life. Whenever I picked up those rare phone calls, the conversation was artificial.

Bennet would slur his words over the hum of the background and express his grief about the pitfalls of his last relationship(s). Initially, he’d lament about how Kelsey left him. I couldn't remember how many times he mentioned the same issues. In return, I’d give the same advice. Eventually, he stopped listening.

The damage left in Kelsey’s wake meant that after a while there was no way to decipher one relationship from the next. All Bennet could focus on was the feeling that he had lost his “one true love”. I heavily considered leaving pre-recorded messages for him instead of losing sleep. But, without fail, I would always pick up.

Bennet gave me a slow smile. Raising his shot glass, he asked, “Are you sure?”

I responded by clinking my glass against his and downing my shot. The tequila was sweet but burned my throat as it went down. I hastily grabbed a lime out of the bowl on the table and cursed myself for not being better at this.

Bennet’s glass was still in the air, and he waited until he had my attention again. In one smooth motion, he winked and took the shot without the lime or salt. I could feel my face begin to heat up. I tried to look anywhere else around the room, remembering just how much more experienced he was at drinking. However, looking like the next star football player couldn’t hurt either.

“Do you really have to show off?” I tease.

“No, but I do have to out drink you, at the very least,” he drawls.

He towers over the table as he stands up. “Do you want me to buy the next round?”

More alcohol sounds like a terrible idea. I fumble around another bowl filled with pretzels, pulling one out and popping it in my mouth. I’d do anything to get rid of the taste of tequila.

“... I think I’ve had my fair share for right now,” I say. He nods.

“Why don’t we get going then? Didn’t you have somewhere you wanted to take me?” He asks.

“Oh! Yes!” I exclaim. “I wanted to show you the pond.”

The pond I want to take Bennet to is away from the bustle of downtown, located in the center of campus. Like any other pond, it's inhabited by year-round geese. Yet, its architecture is what sets it apart. There are two water fountains near the center of the pond, but they rarely work properly. Then, on the east side lies a small island that protrudes from the murky water. This island has two bridges that connect it to the pond’s banks and is a popular destination for students in between classes. As I jump up from my seat, I check my phone. There was a text from Cam that read, “Are you still coming?” I shot back a quick reply, “yes.”

Looking up at Bennet, our eyes meet. But he seems uneasy and runs a hand through his hair.

“Ready to go?” I ask.

“Whenever you are,” he says. I grabbed his hand without thinking and led him out the front of the bar.

Further down the street, something stops Bennet in his tracks. I stopped alongside him. He looks on either side of us before bending down to tie his shoelace.

“What are you doing?” I ask. He could have easily stopped and fixed this before leaving the bar. Instead, he’s now sloppily untying and tying the same knot. He’s got to know this is annoying.

“Are you in a rush to go somewhere?” he asks coyly. I groan in frustration and look at the time on my phone again. It’s now 9:35 p.m.

Before heading to the bar, we met Cam for dinner at the dining hall. While it didn’t offer the same atmosphere as going out to a restaurant, it was far cheaper. Besides, the dining hall also provided an opportunity for Cam to meet Bennet.

In my mind, it was important that they got along if Cam wanted to continue our relationship. We had only been seeing each other for a month, but it felt like this could be something long-term. So, over chicken stir fry and vegetable rolls, Bennet and I had promised Cam that we would be at his fraternity’s place on Olympia Terrace before 10 p.m. While Gamma Omega wasn’t known for shutting down early, I still wanted to make a good impression. Also, the earlier we arrived, the more time they would have to get to know each other.

By the time that Bennet is done tying his shoe, the lights up ahead at the crosswalk are just about to turn red.

“You made us miss the light,” I whine. Bennet shrugs.

I try to jog the last few feet before the crosswalk, but my feet ache. I resign myself to walking again. Bennet strides alongside me and suggests that we’ll just have to wait.

“It can’t be that bad Ava,” he asserts. “We’re almost at the pond, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just up ahead to the left.”

It’s tempting to jaywalk, but I don’t trust anyone on campus. I sigh.

“Well, we’ll have to pass the time with some more conversation then. It’s not like we’ve talked about everything yet,” Bennet says. I stick my tongue out at him. He knows he’s right.

Before I can open my mouth to ask about his plans after college, a car comes to a skidding halt at the light. It’s chaos inside the vehicle. There are four boys inside, screaming the lyrics to “Mo Bamba,” while one smokes out of a bong in the backseat. They are keenly aware of Bennet and I standing at the corner. Unnerved, I take a step closer to Bennet.

The driver must have noticed, because as the light turns green, he yells, “Just kiss her already!” They cheer and holler as they speed away.

My mouth drops open and I look at Bennet. Even though the sun is well beyond the horizon, I can’t tell if his cheeks are red from the tequila. He quickly looks away and clears his throat. Too many questions run through my mind, but I bite my tongue. So, we walk in silence until we reach the east side of the pond.

Cutting underneath a few pine trees, I cross the first bridge to the island. Beckoning Bennet to follow, I make for the bench that’s precariously balanced on two legs. During the day, this bench is the best spot to grab a few moments of peace. At night, it’s even more serene. The water in the pond is completely still except for a family of ducks floating in the water. Bennet takes a seat next to me. He’s so close that his leg is touching mine.

“The pond is beautiful, isn’t it?” I ask. Out of the corner of my eye, I can feel his gaze on me. I ignore it and continue to look straight ahead.

“It really is,” he whispers. He moves to brush a strand of hair away from my face.

I start counting the ducks and ducklings in front of us. We are on the precipice of a conversation that is long since overdue, and I’m not sure that I want to have it anymore.

Five years ago, I asked Bennet to go as my date to Prom; I had just been dumped. When he agreed, I made it clear that we should go as just friends. There was too much at stake if something went wrong.

When the night came, we had a great time. We made small talk with my high school friends, critiqued the DJ, and nearly avoided slow dancing. However, things started to change on the way home. As he pulled into my driveway and parked the car, we stared at each other longer than friends would. Without warning, he started to lean in and I didn’t stop him. Instead, I kissed him back. We never mentioned it again.

A voice inside begs me to ask him, “why now?” After years of conversation about Kelsey and empty promises to visit each other, it doesn’t make sense that he’s here now. It didn’t seem to bother him that we’ve never talked about the kiss before.

As I’m lost in thought, Bennet clears his throat.

“Ava, what are we?” he asks. I freeze.

“Bennet, we’ve been friends forever,” I say unconvincingly.

“Not really,” he adds. “We haven’t been since we kissed.” I shift my body so that I can see Bennet clearly. The moonlight casts a soft glow that allows me to take in how attractive he truly is. He never had any problems dating. In another life, I might have swooned at this sight.

“Honestly, I thought we would ignore that for at least a few more years.”

He rolls his eyes. His leg is still touching mine.

“Ignoring something does not make it go away. Trust me, I would know,” he says.

“How could you know,” I ask. He runs a hand through his ruddy hair and sighs.

“Ava, I’ve been in love with you for a while. No matter how much I ignore it, it doesn’t go away.”

“Oh,” I breathe.

Shit. This is exactly why I avoided this conversation at every turn. While I had an inkling that he may have felt this way, I thought it would eventually dissipate. I didn’t think he’d hold out for this long. Even though I desperately tried to change the way I felt that kiss was the worst kiss of my life.

I stood up. There needs to be some physical distance between us if I’m going to try and preserve this friendship.

“Bennet, I know there’s never a good time, but you know that I just started seeing Cam. Why would you mention this now?” I ask. His eyes close.

I begin to pace around the island while waiting for his response. I continue to count the ducks and click my phone for the time. It’s 10:10 p.m. We’re late.

Suddenly, I feel two hands grab my shoulders. Quietly, he turns me around and stands in front of me, holding steady. My mind races. The timing of everything has always been so wrong between us. If he lived closer… If that kiss never happened…Bennet interrupts again.

“I figured things might be different. But, how will you know if you never try?” he whispers. He pulls me tight, kissing my forehead, then lets go of me just as quick when I don’t say anything in return.

Trying to compose himself, he asks, “I guess we’re going to be late to Cam’s, huh?”