In Another Life

The dinner was finally over. John and I were picking up the dishes in the kitchen. Not a word was spoken by him and I could feel his anger boiling up inside him. He avoided even looking at me, which made me feel worse. 

I didn’t know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut and focused on the task at hand. I placed a stack of plates in the sink and turned on the water. The moment I turned away from him, I could feel his eyes on me, burning holes in my back. 

I hated when we went to bed like this, with him angry and not talking about what was really bothering him. It’s like there’s an elephant in the room we’re both pretending not to see.

I decided to let him do the dishes and go to put the kids to sleep. As I was tucking the kids in bed, I could notice that they also felt the tension between John and me. They looked at me with their big, blue eyes, silently asking if everything was okay. I didn’t have an answer for them. I kissed their foreheads, but that didn’t ease the tension between us. I could feel the weight of John's anger still hanging over us like a thick fog.

As I walked down the hallway toward our bedroom, my heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn’t bear the thought of going to bed with John still angry at me. It wasn’t even a fight, but those unspoken words felt heavier than those ever said before. 

I was getting ready for sleep when I heard his robust footsteps on the stairs. My heart rate picked up again, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I wasn’t ready for whatever he was going to say.  

John entered the room and I could feel the cloud of anger following him, like a heavy perfume. He was silent and the silence was stabbing me like hundred daggers. The silence was too loud for this little bedroom. I was trying to breathe, but it seemed like I forgot how to.

"It was a nice dinner. Thank you," he said finally with his voice like a knife slicing through the air.

I was stunned for a moment, my mind was racing to catch up with what he said. 

“Is that it? After everything, that's all he has to say?”

I felt my own anger starting to bubble up. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment.

“Thank you. Huh.” 

I couldn’t even imagine that we would end up like this. He was always supportive, telling me that I should pick the specialty I want, no matter how demanding it was. And then I get these outbursts of hatred. Pure hatred that was pouring out of his eyes, his words.

I’m furious. I could handle yelling and shouting, but not this. Not a fake calmness that was making things even worse. 

He had never looked at me with such despise. As if he couldn’t believe with whom he had lived for the past ten years. His words, his look… they just hurt. I felt exposed, asking myself probably the same question he was asking himself. I wanted to scream. From pain, from madness, from delusion. Couldn't he have told me that before everything? Before children. Before we both vowed to each other and said: ‘’I do.”

I felt a surge of frustration and anger rising inside me, and I clenched my fists at my sides. 

"I can't just quit my job," I said "I can't just be your perfect little housewife, either. I have my own dreams and aspirations, you know."

I turned around and saw John going to sleep. 

“Did I say it? It seems like I didn’t. I definitely didn’t.” I managed to catch up with some of my thoughts but had no energy to spill them out.

Feeling like this made it impossible to fall asleep, so I took a sleeping pill. Or maybe it was two sleeping pills.

I turned off the lights, and even though everything was dark, my mind rambled through my life, remembering the last fight, and making up scenarios, until finally the darkness took over my mind and I fell asleep.

***

I woke up to a sunny morning, feeling a throbbing pain in my head. I rubbed my temples, trying to shake off the grogginess. I glanced around the room, feeling disoriented, and then I remembered the previous night's “argument” with John. In all that anger, I forgot to put the curtains on. 

I looked over to John's side of the bed, but it was empty. 

“Is he already gone?” 

The bed was made, and everything in the room was so… perfect. 

I got out of bed, feeling a sense of unease. As I walked down the stairs, I noticed that everything was different. The furniture, the artwork on the walls, and even the architecture of the house itself. 

No toys, no mess.  

I checked my phone and saw a flurry of messages and missed calls from my colleagues at work. 

‘’Are you coming?’’

’’You’re going to be late!!”

I was confused. Where was I supposed to be? 

I desperately searched for John's phone number, but I couldn’t find it in my contacts list. I tried to dial it from memory, no signal. My panic began to rise. 

“What the hell is happening?” 

I decided to call Kate whom I saw among those numerous missed calls and text messages.

“Emily, where are you?? Is it possible that you’re going to be late to your own award ceremony?”, she yelled at me from the second she picked up the phone.  

“Award ceremony?!” I was already screaming in my head, but still couldn’t understand what she was talking about. 

‘’What award ceremony?’’, I asked her. 

She hushed, then laughed a little and answered: ‘’You really have a great sense of humor. Look, we have no time. Pull yourself together and come! You have a photoshoot scheduled. Remember? For the CA? Also, you’re not bailing the party tonight. It’s in your honor since you won the award. And yeah, have you prepared your speech?” 

“Uhm, yeah, yeah. See you soon.”, I just muttered while I was still trying to piece together what was going on. I was completely confused – how could I have won an award that I don't remember anything about? I don’t even know where my family is. 

I rushed to the kids' room, hoping to find some answers, but instead, I was met with a sterile workspace. There was no sign of our children's toys or belongings, only stacks of research papers and a computer with my name on it. I felt a sudden wave of dizziness, and I had to sit down to steady myself. 

I forgot I was still on the line with Kate when I heard her saying: “Are you there? Is everything okay, Emily?”

I just replied: ‘’Yeah, yeah, I’m coming”.

I got closer to my desk and saw the research article on it. “Is it possible? I had an idea about immune cells attacking the cancer cells, but John and I agreed that I should spend more time with kids, at home. The paper was long forgotten in the drawer, wasn’t it? A photoshoot for the CA? A party? What in the world?” 

As I tried to make sense of the situation, a strange thought began to form in my mind. 

“What if this is all a dream?” I was scared of that. But as I pinched myself, the pain felt all too real. I closed my eyes, then opened them again, but nothing happened. I was still there.

“Had I slipped into some alternate reality?” I couldn't believe this was my life. The life I always wanted. 

I lifted the paper from the table and stared at it in awe. 

“I will do it. Whatever’s happening, I’m gonna do it. It isn’t like I didn’t deserve it, right?” That thought made me smile. It made me feel truly proud of myself after a long time. 

I took a quick shower and picked a suit I never thought I could have. I felt powerful. I haven’t felt like that for years. Knowing I was already late, I hurried to the garage only to find myself blinded by the beauty of my favorite car ever which I never got a chance to have, as I was always in charge of dropping off kids. It’s not that I could do that with McLaren P1. I smiled to myself and thought “If this is a dream, I would like to never wake up. Thanks.” 

I arrived at the venue, and as soon as I stepped out of the car, I was greeted by a swarm of photographers and reporters. ME! They were all asking me questions, but I could barely process anything. I just smiled and waved, hoping to get through this as quickly as possible. I felt like a little girl finally making her dreams come true.

As I was lost in thought, I heard someone call my name. It was Kate, looking radiant in a stunning dress. She greeted me with a big hug and a smooch on my cheek. "Congratulations, Emily! You deserved this more than anyone.", she said. I could feel people looking at me as if they wanted me or wanted to be me.

The shooting went great, but the big thing was yet to come. I went home to prepare for the ceremony where everyone was going to acknowledge me and give me the award for one of the most innovative discoveries ever. 

The place was never so quiet and clean. And it was mine. From my obviously new wardrobe, I chose to wear a long mint dress that goes wider from my hip area, with a black ribbon in the intersection, highlighting my tight body. I felt delighted. 

I could never imagine that I would be the center of an event like this. They served the wine that tasted like it was made somewhere out there in the Universe. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I went out and chatted with people that it wasn’t about diapers or the best detergent for atopic skin. We talked about things that I had no opportunity to talk about for a long time. How mutation can cause different syndromes and different types of cancers. How natural killer cells are the neglected part of lymphocytes. 

The ceremony was about to begin and as the announcer introduced me, I felt like I was on top of the world. I walked up to the podium, took a deep breath, and began my speech, thanking my colleagues and mentors for their support, and talking about my passion for finding the cure for cancer. As I spoke, I felt a surge of confidence, and my words flowed naturally. 

When I finished, there was a thunderous applause. It all felt unreal. And then it hit me again. 

“Is it unreal? Am I dreaming?” 

When I came back home, I couldn’t dare to fall asleep. I didn’t want to wake up in the reality I was living till today. I wanted to live every single moment of this day, to cherish it, and to never end it. 

I laid down. My head was spinning from all that fame. Or was it the wine? Or maybe both? Soon, I felt sleep sneaking around the corner, and I finally couldn’t resist it. 

I fell asleep.

It was 7 a.m. when I heard the alarm going off.