If Nothing Else

I can’t sleep. I just keep playing the day’s events over and over in my head

***

Michael: Caden.

Caden: Yeah?

Michael: Do you remember me?

Caden:  Oh. Yeah. Hi.

Michael: Hi.

Pause

Caden:  How are you?

Michael: I’m ok. How about you?

Caden: Not bad.

Pause

Is there something you want?

Michael: I was just wondering…

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I was just wondering if maybe we could go have a soda together somewhere and talk? Just for a little bit?

Caden: Oh, well, I have track practice ‘til about 5.

Michael: Ah, I see.

Caden: But I don’t have anything to do after that.

Michael: Oh, ok. How about then?

Caden: Sure.

Michael: We could meet at Son of Laurice if that’s ok.

Caden: Sure, sounds good.

Michael:  Great! Well, I’ll see you in a couple hours.

Caden: Ok, see you then.

Two hours later

Michael: I can’t believe how much you’ve grown.

Caden: Yeah, well…It’s been a pretty long time.

Michael: I know it has. 

Pause

Eight years.

Caden: Are you still married?

Michael: Yeah, I’m still married.

Caden:  How’s that going?

Michael: It’s good. It’s really good.

Caden: I’m happy for you.

Michael: Thanks.

Pause

I’m sorry if this is awkward, but it’s just so surreal for me. 

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I’ve thought about doing this for so long, but I never knew if it would actually happen or not. And if it did, I didn’t know how it would go, or how it would feel.

Caden: How does it feel?

Michael: I’m just so glad to see you.

Pause

I’m sorry, I’m trying to hold it together.

Caden: You’re fine.

Michael: I just want you to know…

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I just want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t keep in touch.

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That I couldn’t keep in touch.

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I thought I always would. I thought Lisa was ok with it.

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But she wasn’t. She just didn’t think it was appropriate.

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Oddly enough, if you had actually once been my stepson, like legally through marriage, I think she would have been ok with it. I always referred to you and Anna as my stepkids because I truly felt that’s what you were to me. But since I was never actually married to your mom, she didn’t see it that way. 

Pause

All along, I thought she was on board with me staying in touch with you guys, but she wasn’t. I didn’t find this out until after we had been married for a while. I think possibly at first she thought she would be able to handle it, but as time went on, she realized she couldn’t.

Pause

And for the sake of my marriage, I had to let you guys go.

Pause 

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my whole life. Maybe the hardest.

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But a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought about you at least somehow.

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I never stopped loving you.

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And I never will.

***

Will that be the last time I ever see Caden? I really don’t know. I’m glad that I was able to keep my promise from a few years ago, that I would one day see him again. And I’m relieved that I was finally able to explain myself. 

I’ve loved Caden and his sister, Anna, as my own since shortly after I met them. I never imagined there would come a time when I would go days without seeing them, let alone years. But it just didn’t work out that way. I thought eventually they’re mom would grow up and put down the booze, but I finally had to accept that that was probably never going to happen.

I started writing Anna a letter last year shortly after I knew she had graduated high school, but I never gave it to her. I didn’t really have any way TO give it to her. But here’s what I wrote:

“Dear Anna,

I know it may be a little strange hearing from me, but if I’m not mistaken you’re graduating high school right about now (YAY!!!), and I just wanted to reach out to you.

I want you to know that I think about you often and I miss you everyday. I have no doubt that you’ve developed into an amazing young woman with a very bright future!

I also want you to know how much I enjoyed the years we spent together! We had so much fun! I wish I could’ve been a part of your life forever. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t usually work that way in these types of complicated situations. But please know that having to let go of you and your brother was one of the absolute toughest things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I will never, ever forget either of you and the wonderful memories we made!

Maybe it’s not my place to say this, but I’m going to anyway: I’m very proud of you! I always have been, and I always will be. Nothing will ever change that!

I hope you have a great summer (and beyond!) and, who knows, maybe our paths will somehow cross again someday!

Good luck in all you do, Anna Bean!

Love always, 

-Michael

***

Part of me wishes I had never met them or their mom. But another part of me is so grateful for every single moment I was lucky enough to have with them.

Right before their mom and I went our separate ways I remember telling Caden that things were probably going to be different soon. I told him that if his mom got a new boyfriend, we probably weren’t going to be able to see each other as much. I don’t know how much of that he really understood at the time—or if he even remembers. He had just turned eight. It was literally half his life ago. 

I also remember telling him (while barely being able to hold back tears) that I wished I was his real dad, so that we'd never have to worry about getting to see each other. I hope he remembers that, if nothing else.