The Performance

September 18th, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

I learned two things today.

First: when auditioning at Falkland High School, you audition in front of everybody. You aren’t taken into a separate room with the theatre teacher, everyone in the club watches.

Second: I hate that.

I know, being a “theatre kid,” I’m supposed to love when people watch me, and that’s true! Partly. I love when strangers watch me. But people I know? Not at all. I wish I could say more, but my brain is weird, and my memory goes black anytime I try and think of the audition. Did I screw up the monologue? I mean, I know I probably did, but by how much? To what degree did I fail? I don’t know. I’m going insane.

Speaking of going insane, I think that Mare is doing just that. I was talking to her today and she said that she’s replaced her contacts with glasses because they “don’t take time to put on.” She is taking 5 APs, captaining the debate team, doing theatre with me, and trying to start her own charity. Good God. On the one hand, I’m inspired by her, but I’m worried too. Diamonds are formed under pressure, I guess.

Today I tried to make more eye contact than usual with Jason during Math class. Mission failed.

I hope I got a callback.

September 18th, 2024 (shortly after)

I GOT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!

Called back for David, Lucas, Martin, and Stevie, also known as ALL THE LEAD MALE CHARACTERS!!!

Okay. Writing that out, it feels weird. All the male leads? I worked so hard to prepare for the audition, but did Mrs. Yelinski only see that I’m a boy? Not my acting? I know that theatre is easier for boys and that theatre people like me purely because I’m a boy, but does that mean everything outside of my masculinity is unimportant?

Also, I’m a junior. Maybe she has a thing about upperclassmen getting leads and so I’m a lot more likely to get called back because of that.

Well, no matter what, I got a callback!

Yay.

September 19th, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

Today was a weird day.

First of all, the callback went well! I’m sitting by my phone right now waiting for the cast list to be posted, so I’ll let you know what I got the SECOND the notification comes.

The weird thing was Math. Jason and his friends, all boys, walked up to me and asked me what it felt like to be gay and why I chose to be gay when I could just be straight and happy. I felt like I was centerstage and had forgotten my line. I wanted to say something about being a normal person but nothing that I thought of would work, so I just said: “why are you so interested?” and that shut them up.

I hate that Jason was with them. Why him? He didn’t seem to really be part of the conversation, though. Jason is a football guy. I need to remember that more.

That conversation weighed on me all day. I don’t know why. Maybe because of the word chose. If it were a choice, I don't think anyone would choose to live with this kind of scrutiny. Not at our school, not with boys like them around.

I GOT THE PART!!! I’M PLAYING MARTIN AND MARE IS PLAYING EVE AND IT’S GOING TO BE AMAZING!

September 20th, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

I don’t know whether I’m overconfident because I got this part or if I’m self-conscious because deep down I don’t think I deserve it, but I do know that getting the part messed with my head.

Rereading the script is totally different now that I know I’ll be playing Martin. I think Martin’s the biggest role I’ve ever played. And maybe it’s because of this that I talked to Jason today. That’s right. TALKED. I said hi. GUESS WHAT HE SAID BACK. That’s right: hi. Heck yeah.

He didn’t even look confused or upset that I, the gaybo, talked to him. He wasn’t on cloud nine, but he didn’t hate me. Neutral, that’s how he looked: neutral. Nice!

I talked to Mare about it, and she told me that Jason had a girlfriend. Ellie. But she broke up with him a few weeks after school started. Something about weird files on his computer. Videos, she said, of men dominating other men.

I’m not sure what to think about that.

September 23rd, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

I went to Math early today so I could see Jason. Not even to talk to him, just to observe. He looked at me, smiled, and looked away. I’d gotten a crumb, and suddenly I wanted more. So much more. I walked up to him and pretended to need help with a math problem, I think he knew I didn’t really need his help, though. After I’d asked, he looked at the paper and did this weird smirk thing. He let out a noise, kind-of a chuckle, but more satisfied than that. He didn't need to say anything to tell me, I know exactly why you’re here.

But what I couldn’t tell was why he was so satisfied. If he thought: I like you too! We can get together and I’ll show you off to all my friends who’ll stop being homophobes and everything will be amazing and I don’t like you actually I love you let’s get married and move to the Barbados together, or if he saw me coming as a sign of him having control over me. Hearing about the videos on his computer confused me. He might be one of those people who needs power, control. He could’ve thought: That’s the power I have. I do nothing, and you crawl to me. I could break your finger, and you would thank me for holding your hand.

God, I sound insane. I’m making him sound insane, and he doesn’t deserve that. In my mind it’s one or the other, he loves me or he wants to own me, no in between. I know that’s not true, but that’s how I see it.

I think Mare is worried about my thing for Jason. Of the two Jasons, she sees the second. The domineering, dangerous, depraved Jason. That Jason is the topic of our conversations, not any other possible version of him. It’s kind-of getting exhausting, talking to Mare.

But all this worry is based on the idea that he even likes me to begin with. He might not even know my name. He might not be gay or bi or whatever. He might be playing a joke.

I hope he’s not playing a joke.

September 24th, 2024

Today we did a full read-through of the script.

I’d never realizes how masculine of a character Martin was until then. He struts about, saying the women he loves are “his” and flexing his muscles. Some lines feel so unnatural to give, I’ll need to learn to man-it-up.

Meeting everyone made me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself, and that felt good. Theatre is a good place.

Note to self: work out and get muscles.

September 26th, 2024

Sorry I forgot to write yesterday. Nothing much happened, Jason and I said hi to each other, that’s it.

I feel numb. I’m going to try to write about what happened today chronologically because it’s the only way I’ll get everything out.

I said hi to Jason in the hallway today and he didn’t respond. I think he’s less expressive with me when he’s around his friends. I wonder if he didn't want to be seen with me.

But after school, he messaged me on Instagram. “You free? Let’s meet.” I told him I had rehearsal; he said he’d pick me up after.

He was late, all the cars had gone by the time he’d gotten back to school, but whatever. He drove me to a parking lot without any cars. He was fidgeting when he told me that he’d seen me staring at him from my seat during Math class. He said that I made him “feel things.” Then he grabbed my face and kissed me. I leaned into him. I kissed him back, and when he broke from the kiss, my lips followed his desperately until he’d pulled away too far.

I only want to remember that his lips were warm and soft, but it's also true that my eyes were wide open when his were closed. When we kissed, he put his hands on the space between the back of neck and my shoulders, like he'd expected me to have long hair, a woman’s hair.

He looked at me for a long time after that.

Then he told me I was awful. I felt like a piece of meat on display. Naked, rotting. I couldn’t breathe, but for some reason I wasn't surprised. I don’t know how I didn’t cry. He said I didn’t answer last week when his friends asked me why I chose to be gay. He looked scared, not of me but of himself. I said that people can’t choose, they just are. And then he asked: but how do you know?

I gave him the answer I’d prepared since they’d asked me that question a while ago: “I used to hope that my mom would send me to conversion therapy. That way, I’d know that my feelings for men are real, that I can’t control them. Because if I could be different, why live this way? But then I realized that that wasn’t going to happen, and that’s for the best. I’m very fortunate. So instead, I just follow my heart.”

I shouldn’t have said that last part, it sounded stupid. Then he told me not to tell anyone that we kissed. Never ever.

I wonder why he called me awful after he kissed. It didn’t really make sense to me until I opened this diary. The “dumb diary.” I don’t call anything else dumb, in general I don’t really use negative adjectives. Which makes me think: maybe I'm only honest with something after I’ve degraded it. Before giving it something that could be used to hurt me, I need to hurt it first. Maybe that’s what Jason was thinking when he called me awful. He wanted to speak his truth and needed to be more comfortable first. Or he thinks that I corrupted him with my gayness. I don’t know. For some reason, though, him calling me awful didn’t really change my opinion of him. His kiss was electrifying. I still feel it.

When he’d brought me back to my car, right before I left, he kissed me on my left cheek. Then under his breath he said: “Ellie,” his ex-girlfriend's name.

When I got home, the first thing I did was find Ellie’s Instagram. She wore cardigans, had hair in the spot where he’d touched me earlier, and wore natural-colored lipstick.

Tomorrow, I will wear one of Mom’s cardigans.

September 27th, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

Nobody other than my family and Mare were surprised to see me wearing a cardigan. Mare asked if I was okay, and if anything weird was going on. I told her that I’m good.

Jason stared at me for a bit during math. After class he messaged me. “You look so good,” he said. Mission success!

I’m so lucky that he’s gay. In retrospect, all I needed to do was dress femininely, and I got my first ever compliment from him. Doing what needs to be done, I guess.

I guess that makes sense. He is a masculine guy, and I’m the first boy I know of that he’s... been with? Dated? Kissed? I don’t know what we’re doing or what we are. Maybe he wants me to be more girly, so he feels manly even though he likes me. So that he can dominate me. I want him to keep kissing me. I think that’d be great.

I think I’m screwing up the show. It’s so hard to focus right now. I keep forgetting things and changing things and ruining things. Lines that should be manly are coming out wrong. Other people are depending on me to be good. I need to be better.

September 30th, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

Jason didn’t message me today, so I called him. Mostly so I could hear his voice on voicemail. Fun fact: his voicemail is: "Hey, it's me. Leave something funny!" I wonder if he just has a bunch of voicemails of me breathing now. I cried after I hung up.

Mare knows something’s up. I can’t tell her anything because I promised Jason, and it’s driving me insane. I didn’t text her at all last weekend. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I wanted to talk about anything other than Jason, but I knew I couldn’t talk about Jason without letting slip about our kiss. I can’t believe I haven’t told Mare about my first kiss.

When Mare looks at me, I feel like she isn’t looking at my face, but at something deeper. That even though everyone can see my exterior, she can see far deeper into my mind and soul. She understands my intrusive thoughts. And she understands how they’ll hurt me.

She’s been texting me, saying that she’s worried about me. She wants to talk, to understand what’s happening. If I told her, Jason would hate me. I can't have him hating me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that there aren’t many scenarios where this Jason thing turns out well. I wore a normal outfit today, and he completely ignored me. But the thing is, I don’t care. I don’t care if he only likes another version of me. I don’t care if he hardly thinks about me at all. He made me feel good. I’m going to chase that.

October 2nd, 2024

Dear Dumb Diary,

I went in Jason’s car again today! He kissed me and told me that I was his and that he loved the crop top I’d worn today. At one point, his hands grazed the part of my back that was bare because of the crop top. My mind went fuzzy. I felt so high.

I’m not sure that I’m good at being happy without him anymore. I depend on him. Without him, I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. With him it makes more sense. Writing this now, it feels like I’m writing about something that didn’t happen to me, but to another version of me. I’m trying to find time to be myself, but I’m coming up empty.

Martin is a hypermasculine character. He thinks with his fists, marries the girl, and shoots guns. In between rehearsals and trying to appeal to Jason, I don’t know who I am. If I really like wearing crop tops, or if I only like electricity of his hands meeting my skin. If I really should be speaking in a low tone and calling women “girls,” or if I don’t mind, and maybe even enjoy, when Jason calls me one.

It’s becoming more difficult to play Martin. I haven’t even been trying to do this, but my voice has been getting higher the past few days, and it conflicts with the character. I suck. That’s it. I’m the worst.

October 3rd, 2024

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day that we rehearsed the kiss between my character and Mare’s. It was weird. I haven’t really been talking to Mare. She’s been texting me, but if she sounds worried, I don’t respond. I don’t respond often anymore. We were in room by ourselves (Mrs. Yelinski said to “figure out what’s comfortable and come back when you’re done”).

We’d reached the point where my character kisses her, and I couldn’t do it right. In retrospect, I think it was because I’ve never kissed anyone, only been kissed. On Jason’s terms, not mine. The idea of starting a kiss felt so foreign, I couldn’t do it naturally.

I started crying. Not loudly. Silent, ashamed tears. Mare pulled me into a hug, and she made me feel warmer than I’d felt in weeks. I felt so heavy, and with her I crumbled to the ground.

I told her everything about Jason. I was worried she'd judge me or tell me to stop, but she just held me. I think she already knew, but I'm glad I told her. She told me she loved me, and that she was sorry. For what, I’m not sure. After I’d sat for a moment, we looked at each other and laughed. Everything in that moment felt so ridiculous. There were so many things to be. I could’ve been Martin, kissing her unflinchingly. All the while wearing what I’d found from my Mom’s dresser. Think of that! In the end, I was on the floor, being nothing, and Mare loved me anyways. I felt more from her friendship than I’d felt in weeks.

Mare spent the night at my house. It’s a school night, but she made her parents let her stay. We made fun of Jason’s teeth, his grades, his everything. I know that’s rude, but it felt so cathartic to talk about everything he’s awful at. He’s not nice, smart, or even good at football! I think I built him up to be something that he wasn’t.

At one point, he texted me: “You free?” laughed and showed Mare the message. We responded with a selfie of us flipping him off. Then she took my phone and blocked him for me.

I’ll see him tomorrow. I’m going to ignore him and I’m going to love it.