If I were

If I were a human, I would give You a family, a home full of love

I pick up my eraser, but it doesn’t work. My scrawly writing just blurs and smears on the paper. I scratch it over with my pencil. No use. The lines and dashed and half hidden letters are mocking me, glares at me behind my futile attempt to erase them from the face of the earth. They laugh, maliciously. As always.

With an exasperated sigh, I pick up the useless paper and crushes it in my fist till I would have had half moon shaped cuts in my palm leaking blood, if i were a human. But I’m not. And I will never be.

The sigh transforms into heartache built on desperation, sadness and uncontrollable fear that You will never be mine. Fear that undoubtedly would have led me to do something irrational and cost me my life, if my life could be taken. I’m not granted that privilege.

My hand opens and drops the hateful paper ball on the ground, next to all the shredded papers left from a time when I still had the strength to rip them apart. If tears could leak from my eyes, I would already have drowned in this room.

No paper left. Where did all my fresh, blank papers go? I force myself to pick up the ball from the ground and flatten it out on my table. Turn it over. Pick up my pen. Lock my fear behind bars in a dungeon deep inside me. Where they belong.

If I were a human, I would give You a family, a home full of love

If I were a comet, I would give You the stars

If I were a tree, I would provide You with oxygen and shadow

If I were a bear, at least I would be fluffy for You

If I were a cloud, I would rain on You when you wanted, hid the sun when You wanted and disappear when a clear sky is Your deepest wish

I cry my nonexistent tears, hide my transparent face with my transparent hands, throw the paper and the pen and the eraser and everything within reach at the wall. But I cannot throw myself, because the wall would always let me through as if it will never learn its job. Just like my heart will never learn to forget You, and my soul (if I have any) will never learn to trap and extinguish my fear of not having You. I wish I didn’t have a heart. Or anything else.

Can I drown in fear instead of tears? Will it kill me, or is there no way at all to escape this existence?

I remember the first time I saw You. You laughed. Laughed at a joke someone told You. I don’t remember if it were a friend or a parent or a partner (because as perfect as You are, how could You not have a partner?). You smiled and was the happiest person alive. I wanted to see that smile forever. I want to see that smile forever. You had a yellow rain coat on with matching rain boots and played in the puddles with a couple of children. Maybe nieces and nephews? You didn’t care that You got wet, didn’t care that You got dirt on Your clothes, didn’t mind that Your hair was a mess. You lived, as living should be lived. I envy You that every day of my existence.

I cannot get wet, cannot get dirt on my clothes, my hair cannot be a mess. Is there a chance that I can fly into a living person and possess that body, become a human? But it won't work. Others like me have tried it. No one succeeded.

Lie. I lied. My biggest fear isn’t to live forever without You. It is that if You see me, if You hear me, if You touch me, You will be afraid. That I will scare You. That I will cause You nightmares. That the mere image of me will haunt You, day and night forever. You will be scared of the dark, afraid to be left alone, constantly searching Your surroundings. If that happened, I would never be able to forgive myself.

If I were a human, I would give You a family, a home full of love

If I were a dog, I would give You happiness

If I were a troll, I would give You gold and treasures

If I were a dragon, I would give You the experience of flying

If I were a vampire, I would show You the beauty of night

If I were a werewolf, I would show You the beauty of day

If I were a mirror, I would show You have beautiful You are

If I were a genie, I would grant You ALL Your wishes (no limitations of three)

If I were a book, I would bring You to unforgettable places and adventures

And if I were a strand of hair or a drop of water or a little speck of dust, at least I could touch You

I float through the wall, through the roof. The wind doesn’t affect me. No elements of nature have ever affected me. Never. I’ve missed so much experience of living, and I am the one destined (forced to without any say whatsoever) to live for eternity. Maybe I can hide on the moon? Could that be of any use? I’m pathetic.

No. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. I don’t listen to myself. Against my better judgment, I float into the night, searching for the right house. The right window. It takes maybe half an hour, but I can’t risk being seen by anyone.

There. Finally. I land on a tree, more specifically on a branch I’ve begun to call my own. The one I’ve occupied several evenings a week for many months now. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t torture myself like this, but I can’t help myself. Just seeing You through that window makes me smile every time. Even though it is a pathetic, heartaching, sad smile. But when I see You through that window — wearing an oversize cozy sweatshirt, Your hair in a messy bun — I am not afraid. Because You almost feel like mine. Almost. I hate not being able to cry.

If I were You, I would never choose me