Snapping of the Steel Twig

They say boys destroy those that women hold dear, but that’s not always true; it’s just a fairy tale parents tell their kids to keep them away from prying eyes. They say rumors take a toll on your personality, on your soul. They say it’s never too late. Never too late to do this or to do that. Yet, they never specify what never really means. To say never is to imply that it’s irrelevant to time. But time is unbending by no man or living thing on this earth. Some say to let things go. But I don’t want to let go, not yet. 

I was her Betty and she was my Veronica. I even still have my costume hung up in my closet from that Halloween. Still cut my hair the same, though she's grown it out more since. 

Too many memories I wish we could have had. All those late nights never spent playing Zelda, long forgotten. 

Too many times I told myself that we’d work it out tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day and nothing could stop us from being a dream-accomplishing duo. But tomorrow never came and now we are at graduation. In separate rows, dozens of people apart. Our time together snapping like a twig as the ceremony continues. Speeches of others reaching exciting heights and new goals; making lasting friends and unforgettable experiences.  

The speeches of the overachievers reach their inevitable end and now i'm forced to wait until our names are called in this auditorium, packed with classmates and families. There goes time again, rubbing in the passing of every moment just as piercing as the last.

An hour that turned into a day and a day that turned into weeks. Weeks turned to years. One would think that one of us would have stopped the breaking of the twig or try to hold onto it, even if it continued to snap. I guess we had similar thoughts though, because three years passed and this is where we stood. 

And now I look at her and those friends we shared. Those heartbreaks we endured together, forever a distant memory. Her last words, still swarming in my ears. The hateful comment I thought wouldn’t be our last. My anger would fade, of course, because we were inseparable. Afterall, nothing could snap a twig made of steel. 

But as time progressed the scowls still show everytime we hear each other's voice. If only I could have said what I wanted to say that day. If only I could have been a better friend. If only we wouldn't have let the twig rust completely in two. 

It’s funny, that time elapses making us grow unlike we once were. Time being such a ruthless one and yet, it’s my heart being fickle. Her heart being fickle. Funny only due to our own undoings.

The tears I’ve lost, the pain I've felt, the fake smiles, the fake laughs. I’ve lied. Not only to her, my dearest friend but I’ve lied to myself. Because you see, as her name is called for the last time in this place, I couldn’t help dispense one more tear. 

I lied, pretending it didn’t hurt. Thinking that moving around in these blue gowns wouldn't bring back memories of when we first met. Back in grade school, when everything was so silly and pure. And a graduation meant nothing more than a new teacher and cake.

I lied thinking there had to be a big reason we’d grow into this. I wanted it, searched for it, creating things that weren’t really there because I couldn’t bear the pain of losing her the way I did. And I'm sorry for that.

It wasn’t one thing, it wasn’t a boy. It wasn’t a fight, a betrayal though, that would have been easier to bear. But no, it was something much more gut wrenching. Not because it was life changing. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Dull, much like a candle long past its string of life.

      It wasn't one moment in time. It wasn’t something small and insignificant. Though I wish. God, I wish, it was. 

If it were only one thing. A fixable thing. An erasable thing, like the silly little mistakes we used to make as kids. Just one thing I could tell myself, as I always did. If only it were a boy. If only I didn’t listen to the rumors. Then I’d be able to carry on, to move forward. 

Now it’s my turn, my name to be called and her turn to watch as I grab the piece of paper that kept us together. It hurts. And I can’t help but shed just another tear and this time I hope it’s my last. I hope she feels the same way. Not because I want to hurt her. Not because she deserves it. Only because I’m too weak to deal with her moving on, closing the door, taking her half of the steel twig with her. I just can't help how I feel.

That’s why I don’t turn to look at her, not even when we throw our hats in the air and walk out the doors, our final exit. If only it were a boy, if only I knew how to fill this hole. I just wish time would bend, just this once so I could find the thing I could pin this pain on.

I may have fixed it if she didn’t like the way I spoke, the words I used. I’d change my hand gestures. I would’ve tried tennis, though I hated it, it was her passion. I’d reschedule work and make it to a game, every game, each one. Even her practice games, I would’ve gone to, if it's what she'd ask of me. I wouldn’t have fought over any boy. She was the spunkier of us two anyway. I would’ve checked that romance book out in my name; so she didn’t have to pay for my mistake. And god I wish she knew, I wasn’t the one who started those rumors but I did pass them along. My regrets almost seem never-ending. So, I’ll say just one more time, I’m sorry. Truly sorry.

I know I wasn’t the best person. She wasn’t either. She broke my computer and told our friend that it was my fault. She made sure no one would believe me; not even my parents and I know it was from fear because let's face it, neither of us are free from environmental undoing. 

Even so, we could have done better, we should have done better. And given the chance, I would be better. Or I wish that of me but deep down, I still groan every time I see her having fun with her new friends. Trying new hobbies. Not inviting me, though I never wanted to go.

 Despite everything, I would say she was worth it. Saving myself the pain would have been nice, but those memories are irreplaceable. So yeah, I would wish to do it all over again. From grade school to graduation, the outings, the enduring of relationships gone wrong together, the end of our relationship. 

Sadly, time won’t turn back and those words will forever haunt me. Not the words she said but the voice she used. It’s like somewhere deep inside I knew, those would be her last to me. 

Hurtful? Most definitely. 

However, I’ll wish to hear them again someday, if not in my daily life then perhaps in my dreams. Where I hope to see her and cherish my best friend like we did the first time we wore blue gowns, and ate cake. We ate so much that day.

And I'll miss it. I do miss it. I hope she misses it too. At least a little. And I know those memories are nostalgic and shaped us into the people we are now. Though it stabs my heart today, someday they'll be fond memories. Core memories with her, my closest friend. 

So today, I’ll thank time for giving me this path to choose. Though my heart shatters as I watch her car pull away from the lot, for the last time. It's more than I can bear now, but I know I’ll look back someday and love the time we shared. 

So it’s okay, that it wasn’t one thing. A boy, a rumor, a mistake, or a lie. It’s okay that it’s painful now. I’ll cry if I need to. Let it out, like they tell me to; not for them and only partly for me, but because I know we need to go our separate ways, to grow. To thrive.

And I won’t question the beauty that time gifts us. So thank you, time, for giving me this life. Thank you, to her, for choosing me as her best friend. Thank you, to me, for growing into the person I am today, and thank you, reader, for reading the story of letting my best friend go.