Cat/Dog

Daddy keeps asking church engines weird things about me.  I see weird TVs and these TVs talk back to this owner and I don’t know what he’s talking about.   I’ve had different masters.  Three different masters.    Now, you might think that’s because I’m a bad dog, but it’s not.   I’m a good dog, shit just happens and I just have to roll in it.  

     Like one time, one of my owners had a fenced backyard.   Or “Invisible Fence” back yard.   This guy taught me if I went too close to this invisible fence, I’d get a shock around my neck.   I don’t want to be hurt.  I just want to be loved.   That’s why God put us dogs on Earth, to love and protect humans.   But, we’re just dogs.   we’re carnivores.  So, I chase squirrels, rabbits, raccoons, even insects in our backyard.  My job is to protect the abode.   Not sure what an abode is, but it’s my job to protect it.   I also chase other people’s dogs off of our property.   

     So, one time, there was a small black dog or maybe it was a cat.   But, it was in the backyard on my master’s property.   So, after I marked my territory on my tree (maybe abode means tree?) and this black dog/cat was on my master’s property and I rushed over to bark at it, bite it, maybe even eat their liver (that’s what the alpha dog gets to eat), but as I raced towards it, it turned its back towards me.   Good.  That means it’s afraid of me.  But, instead of having its tail between its legs like animals do when they’re scared or sad, it lifted its tail up and this cologne came out of its ass, but instead of smelling like flowers, it smelled like stink.   See, us dogs don’t mind most smells.  We like how piss and shit smell, but we hate the smell of vinegar and whatever came out of this black dog/cat’s ass.   Then, I was the one who had my tail between my legs.   When my former human let me back in, he was upset and he made me take a bath.   Plus, even though I did my business outside, he didn’t even give me a treat.  

 *

     Now, some dogs hate baths, but I don’t.  My first human knew the right temperature to put the water and massaged me with a warm towel.   So, this guy worked rough.   He got his scrubber and his hose and he scrubbed hard.   When I came out, I shook myself hard.   This master didn’t care.   He just smelled me and said, “Shit!”  

     He picked me up and we’re walking and he’s cursing under his breath.   Then, we go in our garage and he opens the garage door.   I hope he’s not abandoning me.   He puts me in the car, though, which I hope is a good thing.  

*

    We get there and I recognize this place. This is where he got me neutered.   Not sure why he did that.   But, I’m here and there are other animals here.   I’m hoping that dog/cat isn’t here.  If they are, I’ll try running away from then then.   But, me and my master are waiting.   Usually, people ask if they can pet me, but nobody asks me that this time.   I get to go in before all the other dogs/cats.   Maybe they could fix the dog/cat.  

    They weigh me and then they put this metal thing up my ass and take some shit out of my ass.   They’ve never done that before.   Maybe it’ll get the stink out of me.  But it doesn’t.   My master talks to this doctor.  But, the doctor doesn’t do much to me, which is good.  I’ve had a bad enough day today anyway.  

     Then, this master takes me back to our home, but he locks me in the laundry room and goes to the attic.   He comes back in about 5 minutes with the cage he put me in when I was a puppy so I wouldn’t have accidents on the floor.   He shoves me in there and says something about not spreading this stench through his new house and new furniture.  

    I give the sad eye look and whine and moan, but he just gives me a guilt trip and says I should have thought of that before I attacked the skunk.   I wondered how he knew the dog/cat’s name was skunk.   Maybe he owned the dog/cat before he adopted me.  I bet I’m a better dog than Skunk was.  

  *

     He came back from the place with foods and plastic bags, but there wasn’t food in there, I think.   There was stuff called, “Febreeze” and “V8” and a bunch of scented shit.   Then, after he let me out of the cage, I tried to jump on him, but he put his hand on my head and stopped me.  Stupid cat/dog.  

    Then, he takes me to the bathroom.  He doesn’t turn on the warm water, though, but fills it half-way with tomato juice.   Then, he puts me in there and I’m wondering if he’s going to stew me, like he does when he’s cooking chicken.  But, he rubs it all over me, closes the door, and leaves.  He leaves the light on, thank God.  

*

One hour later, he comes back, drains the V8 and fills the tub with warm water.  Another bath.   Then, he dries me and smells me.   He mumbles son-of-a-bitch under his breath.   That night, he takes a torn pink towel, puts it in the cage, and leaves me there.   I moan, but he doesn’t care.   I smell my behind and my groan.  It still smells cat/dog.   Damn it.  I put my tail between my legs, curl up into a ball, and start to go to sleep.   I see the light, though, and it’s harder for me to sleep.  I hope this smell goes away so my owner will love me again.  

*

     It stays like this for 5 months.  He gives me good dog food, but I can’t watch tv with him, he doesn’t throw the ball for me anymore.  It’s like we’re divorced but still living in the same home.   What if he brings in a new dog?   Or worse yet, a puppy.  Then, what’ll happen?   When he comes back, I do all my tricks; I beg, give him my paw, roll over, everything.   He tells me he knows I know my tricks, but he’s waiting for the stench to leave.   But, will it?   Will it leave?   I don’t know.